Pirate Smash
by Split Infinitive
Summary: Maybe the strangest Legend of Zelda story you'll ever read. Yes, that's an accurate summary. You wanna make something of it...? COMPLETE! No, really.
1. Secret

**1 – Secret**

 _Fifteen minutes._

Moonlight silvered the sloshing waves of the sea as the little boat made its way to the walled island. One hand on the rudder, the other gripping the boat's bow, Link of Outset Island stared ahead, face rigid with granite determination.

He wasn't going to let the captain down this time. The three Stones of Katomb had eluded Tetra and her pirate crew for months. Two of them had been lost already – thanks to Link falling short both times – and had been snatched up by a rival pirate by the name of Sneer.

It didn't matter. One of the Stones would be enough to fund the rest of their voyage, their search for a new Hyrule. And Link would capture the last one now.

The boat's keel ran up against the gravel and sand of the island's shore with a groan. Jumping out, Link risked one last glance back towards the sea. Lightning forked the night sky in silence. The azure light briefly illuminated the shadow of Tetra's ship, dubbed _The Harkinian_ by King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. A flash of orange light bloomed out from one of the ship's cannons.

 _Eleven minutes._

Link drew himself up to his full height. He was clad in a replica of the green outfit his Grandma had given him so long ago on Outset Island. He'd outgrown the original now.

Link turned and strode toward the dark shadow that rose up from the island's floor. It was a high, wall made from roughly-hewn stone blocks. No-one knew who had made it. Not many people even knew it was here. Beyond the wall lay the last Stone of Katomb.

His boots left prints in the soft sand before he came to a stop. Link took off his hat and rummaged about inside. Fabric rustled, metal clinked against metal. His hand felt the touch of rough fibre and, satisfied, Link pulled the item out.

A grappling hook.

He snuck his hat back on. It didn't really have to be said that his hat was enchanted, with a cavernous interior that allowed him to store all the treasure he'd found in his many travels. Before King Daphnes had cast a spell on it, Link had been forced to lug all his things around in a pack strapped to his back.

 _Nine minutes._

The wall wasn't the only thing protecting the Stone. A sea serpent usually lay coiled around the outer perimeter of the island. Link could see the slimy traces of its presence on the stone before him.

Tetra's ship would be distracting it right now – hence the firing cannons - but from experience they knew it always returned to the island with a set period of time. Link needed to be back in the boat and away by then.

 _Whup whup whup…_ The hook chopped the air as Link swung the rope. With a grunt, he threw and the hook clattered high above before catching. Link tested it with a sharp tug. It held.

Link scampered up the wall. He was over to the other side within minutes. Two, in fact.

And there it was. The last Stone of Katomb, smooth and spherical, sitting on a pile of straw under the moonlight. Link grinned, and made to move toward it –

When the soft sound of weeping made him pause.

 _Six minutes._

Link peered to one side. There was a cage, shrouded by shadow, and from within there peeked out a small, dirty face streaked with tears. A little boy.

 _Five minutes._

Link looked from the Stone to the boy and then back again, his chest tightening as indecision riddled his heart.

The little boy sniffed. An image of his younger sister Aryll flitted into Link's mind. He sighed.

Link ran over to the cage, landing into a crouch at the last moment.

 _Three minutes._

"Hey," he said. "How did you get here? Where are you from?"

The boy wiped his nose with a dirty arm. "I'm scared."

"Don't be." Link smiled. "I'm a pirate."

"Pirates are bad."

"Not me," Link replied. "I'm a helpful pirate."

"Do you have anything to eat, Mr Pirate?"

Link paused, then pulled off his hat and struck his hand inside again. Captain Tetra would frown if she saw this. She always said that keeping food in his hat was just plain gross. Link had argued that it was an emergency stash and they'd need it one day.

He pulled out some bread, sniffed it to make sure it was still good – it was – and handed it to the boy, then put his hand through the bars to pat him on the head. The child wolfed the bread down.

 _One minute._

"Watch out." Link drew his sword and struck it against the lock. Sparks flew. The door swung open and the boy tumbled out.

Now all he had to do was get himself, the boy and the Stone off this island without the serpent catching him. Link turned to the boy –

And found no-one there.

Even better – the last Stone of Katomb had vanished as well.

Panic bubbled within him. Had it been all a trick…? A distraction to keep him at bay as the serpent made its way back…?

Link flicked a glance toward the wall. The serpent would return any second now. He clenched his fist and hissed. _Failed again!_

Link spun up from his crouch and gripped the pommel of his sword hard. He would have to fight the beast.

"Mercy deserves mercy."

Link turned on his heel at the sound of the voice. His eyes widened. A woman in a long, flowing cream-coloured dress approached, almost gliding as she moved. She trailed shimmering light behind her, and she seemed to shift from being translucent to being opaque and back again.

 _No one's supposed to be here…_

Link's thoughts were snuffed out when the strange woman smiled. He felt transfixed. His sword clattered noisily to the ground as his grip loosened.

"I've watched you for a long time, Link," she said, raising her palm. The Stone of Katomb sat in her palm. It had begun to glow, matching the woman's ethereal presence. "Kind, brave, generous and gentle. You deserve to know the secret." She paused, as though bracing herself. "Take it!"

A beam of pure light shot out from the Stone and struck Link straight in the forehead. He stumbled back a few steps, inhaling sharply as knowledge poured into his mind. Link's jaw slackened.

"But…" he gasped as his eyes began to water. "So…real…"

And that was when Link of Outset Island realised that his life had changed forever.


	2. Arrr

**2 - Arrr**

 _Months later…_

Mist shrouded the Great Sea. A dark, rippling shadow appeared, solidifying as the fog cleared for a moment, revealing a ship, sailcloth taut and bulging where it caught the wind, its keel turned green from being far too long in the embrace of the ocean. A bell rung from the deck to warn other vessels of their passage. Written on a silver plate high up on its hull was the name _Harkinian._

Sunlight pierced the haze. A golden shore of sand came into view. The _Harkinian_ began to decrease in speed. The sailcloth disengaged, and just before the vessel came to a full stop, a loud splash followed that ended in a dull _thunk_ \- the dropping of the anchor. Ropes flew over the side and then Captain Tetra and her pirate crew slid down, whooping and hollering, until their boots hit the beach below.

She scanned the shell-strewn surface of the land, searching. A grin broke across her tanned face. Tetra pointed."Treasure ahoy!"

"Aye!" her crew chorused in unison.

They ran toward a half-buried chest of dark, varnished oak as the mist poured into their line of sight once more. Tetra's boots kicked up sand. The sun peeked overhead, the haze finally dissipating once and for all -

Just in time for them to see a group of men slam pikes into the ground just in front of their goal. Tetra and her crew skidded to a stop. Banners tied to each pole fluttered under an orange sky.

Captain Tetra folded her arms. Her crew fanned out on either side of her, hands dropping to their weapons. All except one, that is. _He_ was busy eating an apple.

Tetra returned her focus to the newcomers. They were pirates, too; that was clear from their general state of hygiene.

 _Or the smell, to put it bluntly._

One of them stepped forward, the rings lining his thick, black longcoat tinkling. Tetra recognised him instantly. Her eyes thinned.

"Sneer," she said.

"Captain Sneer to you," her opposing number said with a tip of his hat.

"Doesn't make it sound any better."

"Cute." He stepped up to her so closely that his face was mere inches from her nose. Blackened teeth stood in a wide, crooked mockery of a smile set in a face pocked with crimson molehills on ragged skin. "Fancy meeting you here, lass."

 _Seriously,_ thought Tetra. _He's so close I swear it's those that warts are talking to me._

"Could say the same about you."

"Arrr!" growled Sneer. " _Arrrr_!"

Tetra paused to slowly raise one hand and wipe off the spittle that had just landed on her face.

"ARRR!" Sneer repeated,

"Ar," Tetra replied in a blank voice.

"Arrrr!" He turned to his crew and shook a hook where his hand should have been.

" _Arrrr!_ " they bellowed in unison.

Tetra hissed. "Arrrrrre you done?"

Sneer chuckled. His crew chuckled along with him. "Apologies, lass," he said. "No offence intended. I do respect you, you know."

"Really? You hide it very well."

Sneer waved away her words. Tetra was used to that kind of dismissal from the menfolk of the pirate world. The hook at the end of Sneer's right wrist glinted gold under the sun.

 _Bet that's impractical,_ thought Tetra. _Wonder if he ever pokes himself in the eye with it when asleep._

"We're at a bit of an impasse," said Sneer. Gulls cawed overhead. "Now while I'd love for our two crews to go at it, tearing each other limb from gory limb, I'm afraid I don't have time for such simple pleasures at the moment."

"I agree," Tetra replied with a nod. "What kind of a world do we live in where we like-minded adults can't indulge in some mindless bloodshed, eh?"

"Precisely," said Sneer, not quite catching the mockery in her voice. "And look at me." He raised the hook on his wrist. "I've had a hard enough life already."

 _With a name like Sneer, I'd complain of a hard life, too._

"It looks like there's only one way to settle it," he went on.

Tetra cocked her head to one side. "You don't say?"

"Aye," said Sneer. "I do. A pirate smash. You know the rules, lass. Your best man against mine. Winner takes the loot."

The tide whooshed in nearby. Tetra gestured aimlessly. Pirate smash. One of the few things Sneer and his crew would actually honour.

"Fine," she said. "Whatever."

Sneer turned to his crew. "Hear that, boys? We're gonna have us a party." He grinned at them. They grinned back. He chuckled. They chuckled back. One coughed up some phlegm. Another two followed suit.

Tetra sighed. _Adorable._

"Right, back off, lads," said Sneer. "Time for Scurvy Joe to take front n centre."

Boots stamped, and metal chinked as Sneer's crew obeyed, leaving one, looming brute of a man standing, a cutlass with a rusted edge hanging loosely in the gap between his belt and his stomach, the handle of a flintlock pistol peeking out from a leather holster on his hip.

Tetra turned her head to address her men. "You heard him," she said. "Fall back."

"Aye aye, Miss Tetra," they mumbled as they withdrew, leaving only one of their number behind – young, lean, with a mess of straw-coloured hair as chaotic as the wind, and decked out as ever in dark, forest green.

Link of Outset Island. Link, who slew the mighty Ganondorf in a duel. Link, who...was still munching lazily on his apple, apparently unaware of what was going on.

Tetra noisily cleared her throat.

Link's eyes - always expressive - snapped up, surprised. His mouth slowly came to a stop.

"This?!" Sneer spluttered, setting off a ripple of laughter amongst his crew. "This idiot is your champion?"

"First one to fall or quit loses," Tetra replied in a level voice edged with steel. "Go for it."

Sneer managed one last parting jab. "We'll be using his head as a bucket, lass."

A curtain of hushed silence fell as the two crews left their respective champions alone to face the other. Clouds drifted in overhead to replace the mist as it now rolled back into the distance, peeling away to reveal far-off mountains capped in snow. A few specks of rain caught on the breeze.

Joe stood, eyes narrowed, fingers twitching over his holster. He bared his teeth, revealing angry, swollen gums. Tetra felt her throat tighten. She'd seen this played out over and over for a few months now, but she still couldn't hold back a rush of nervous fear.

Link took a step. Joe flinched.

And then Link leaned in, his lips moving in a quiet voice, too low for any of the gathered pirates to catch. He smiled as he spoke.

Tetra's eyes narrowed. It was the damnedest thing. She still had no clue as to what Link said to them, but it unfolded as it always did: Link's opponent started off with a sneer as he listened to the Outset boy's words; the sneer dissolved quickly into a frown, then doubt, then a heated response as he shook his head in denial, then outright fear, then another response, this time through trembling lips. All the while Link would keep on talking, responding, quiet words lost in the wind.

And then he hooked a finger around the trigger of Joe's pistol, pulled it free from the man's holster, twirled the weapon around for a moment then handed it back to him, wood-panelled grip first, before raising his own arms and turning completely around.

Tetra felt that tightness again. She hated this part. It always ended the same way, but she just couldn't stop herself. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

Joe gazed down at the gun in his trembling hand, then up again to stare wide-eyed at Link's back.

The air thickened with tension. Tetra swallowed. Still Joe didn't raise his weapon

"What are you waiting for?!" bellowed Sneer as he strode up to his man to slap him on the shoulder. "Shoot him! He's practically beggin you to!"

Scurvy Joe stared up into the sky, his eyes unfocused, and then sank to the ground into a whimpering, snivelling mess.

He would never be the same again.

Link turned away, throwing the apple core over his shoulder. Tetra's cheeks puffed out as she exhaled.

"Joe!" Sneer snapped, eyes bulging. "What are you doin, lad? You can't give up! You've barely started!"

"No, no, no, no, no," said Joe in a rhythmic chant. His captain gave a gargle of exasperation before unloading a sand-encrusted boot into the ribs. Joe didn't seem to notice at all.

Tetra stepped up to Captain Sneer.

"What's happenin?" he growled as he turned on her. "What's your freak of a moron done?"

She leaned in on her toes to get straight into Sneer's stunned face. "The moron done won," she said with a wink. "That's what he done."

Captain Tetra backed away to rejoin her crew. "Boys," she said, not taking her eyes off her opposing number. "Let's get that chest on board."


	3. Smash

**3 – Smash**

Captain Tetra sat with her boots up on the table in the ship's Great Cabin. The timbers of the Harkinian creaked as the ship made its way across the sea. Tetra leaned back in her chair, admiring a long, flowing scarlet dress that she'd found on a recent raid.

 _Gorgeous,_ she thought. _Not that I'll ever get a chance to wear it._

A captain's life had no time for fancy dresses or admiring looks. Especially not her life. She and Link had been charged by King Daphnes to search out a land – a new Hyrule - and though she let the crew indulge from time to time - on deserving targets, of course - they were more explorers now than pirates.

Truth be told, though, the dress reminded Tetra of her mother. With a sigh, she swung her legs down from the table, left the dress on the wooden top, and strode over to where the recently won treasure chest sat on the floor. Tetra crouched and again read the inscription written on the lid:

' _Very dangerous. Only an idiot would open_.'

Naturally, they'd tried to do exactly that. Tetra ran a finger over the lock. None of them had been able to find a way through.

"Very dangerous," she pondered out loud. "It's not like a hunk of wood is alive, is it?"

Another long creak ran through the boards of the _Harkinian._ And then the ship spoke.

"I'm alive," he said. "So why not a treasure chest?"

"Shush, you," Tetra retorted. "You're different."

"In what way?"

"You talk too much."

Harkinian chuckled. "Shall we recap?"

"No."

"You wake up one morning in your thin nightclothes -"

Tetra bristled. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"And find a map magically appearing in your cabin. You recklessly follow the map to this chest – "

"We needed money. I thought the chest might have treasure. They usually do in our world."

"You get to the chest," Harkinian continued without missing a beat. "Your arch-rival is there, too. What conclusions can you draw from that, Zelda?"

"Tetra," she said. "And the same old conclusion as always, boat."

"Which is?"

"You talk too much. Haven't I mentioned?" Tetra sighed. "And how do you know what I wear in bed?"

"I merely guessed."

Her eyes narrowed. "I liked you better when you were just dead wood. You were way less creepy." Tetra tapped the tips of her fingers on the chest. "Though what _did_ Sneer know about this? Did he get a map, too? Why would anyone enchant a box?"

"That reminds me," said the ship. "You never told me how you escaped from Sneer." When she said nothing, Harkinian continued in his deep, smooth voice. "He did it again. Didn't he, Zelda?"

" _Tetra,_ " she corrected. "What do you think, boat?"

"I think -"

"Why can't pirates ever have normal names?"

"I was actually -"

"Seriously, though. Sneer? Scurvy Joe? Who in their right mind would call himself Scurvy Joe? You wouldn't call yourself Leprosy Larry or Black Death Davey now, would you? Or Beached Bob in your case. Captain Sneer and Scurvy Joe." She shook her head. "What were they thinking?"

"You're getting distracted again," Harkinian said in a calm, gentle voice. "I asked you a question."

"I've forgotten it."

"No, you haven't."

"Yeah, yeah," said Tetra with a dismissive wave. "Link did it again. Talked the other guy into losing."

"He is an odd one, isn't he?"

Tetra snorted. "Says the talking ship."

She still hadn't gotten used to that. It had happened on an adventure last year, where they'd gone up against a mad sorcerer in order to try and retrieve the first of three Stones of Katomb. The _Harkinian_ had been hit by a stray bolt of magic and had become, simply, Harkinian, the Ship Who Speaks.

 _Without a tongue. Or a mouth._

Sure, she'd met the King of Red Lions, but that was a boat possessed by the King Daphnes Hyrule, who used it to communicate with Link. _Her_ ship was different. It was alive.

And speaking of those Stones; their attempt to win the last one had left Link…different. No longer was he that wide-eyed, young adventurer she'd first met back when they'd teamed up to rescue his sister Aryll from the clutches of Ganondorf. He was...

 _Weird._

The thought was a bit uncharitable. But it was true.

Link had never revealed to anyone else exactly what had happened in his failed attempt to get the last Stone. Since then, though, he'd been able to disarm and defeat any foe he came across without even having to unsheathe his sword.

All he needed were words. Just whispered words.

It was very unnerving.

"Where to next?" said Harkinian. "Resume our search for the new Hyrule?"

Tetra shook her head. "I need a bath."

"I promise not to peek."

Tetra's face soured. "There's something seriously wrong with you, boat."

Before he could reply, a loud rap came at her door.

"Miss Zelda! Miss Zelda!"

She threw up her arms. " _Tetra!_ "

"Sorry, Miss Tetra." It was Zuko, the ship's lookout. "You need to come up on deck. We just got a message."

She followed Zuko topside as he filled her in on the situation, the wooden planks of the deck, dark now as they soaked up sea spray, shivering lightly as she walked.

"Captain on the bridge!" cried the grey-bearded Senza. Ever the charmer, he gave her a theatrical bow as she passed. "Milady."

He'd taken to calling her that ever since it had been revealed that she was really Princess Zelda, the latest in a long line of the Hylian Royal Family. Next she passed big Nudge, who merely grunted his response to her nod. The muscle of the crew, he preferred to keep his words short and blunt as though they, like his fists, were a well-honed weapon.

"Miss Zel - uh, Tetra," the next two pirates said together in greeting - little Niko in his blue cap, and Mako, the ship's strategist.

Finally, she came to a stop in front of her lieutenant, Gonzo, helmsman of the _Harkinian._ "Captain," he said as he handed over a scroll. She took it, and the crew all crowded around in anticipation.

 _Well, not all exactly._

Tetra flicked a glance out of the corner of her eye as she unfurled the paper. Link was there, leaning against the ship's rail, an open book in his hands. He was older, taller and a heck of a lot more laidback to when she'd first met him. His face, always full of spirit, now looked like it was perpetually on the edge of breaking out into laughter, like he was enjoying some little private eternal joke.

Tetra returned her gaze to the scroll. Zuko had already informed her that it had arrived via Rito; in fact, she had spotted the postman departing in the distance when she'd come up, watching as he had swooped through the sky, wings fully swept out.

The message was addressed directly to her. She pulled the parchment taut as it fluttered in the salty sea air. The whisper of the ocean and the rough snap of the ship's single sailcloth in the wind were the only sounds as she tracked the words with her eyes.

"Captain Tetra," she murmured as she finally read out loud. "I hereby invite you and two of your crew to come do battle at the first - and last - Grand Pirate Smash. Representatives of our most noble vocation will pour in from all across the world. The sole survivor will be declared Ruler of the Sea."

"Don't like it," rumbled Nudge instantly. "Trap."

Tetra wasn't listening. She looked up. "Grand Pirate Smash? Seriously? _Seriously?_ " She shook her head. "First Sneer and Scurvy Joe and now a Grand Pirate Smash. What is it with our profession and naming customs?"

"I'm inclined to agree with big Nudge, Milady," said Senza. "This sounds like bad news."

"Gotta be more to it than that, Miss Tetra," said Gonzo. "Ruler of the Sea? They can't enforce that, no matter who wins."

" _Obviously_ it's a trap," said Tetra. "But you can bet your last barnacle that the rest of the idiot pirates we share the Great Sea with are going to swarm over there like ants over spilt honey."

"Nice simile, Captain," said Harkinian.

"Thanks." Tetra flicked another glance Link's way. She could have sworn he'd just smiled at the ship's comment.

"Are you ready for your bath now?"

"Shut up, Harkinian." Tetra returned her focus to her crew. "That's what they want. They want us pirates in one spot to wipe us all out."

"Drunken, crazy slobs all in one place," mumbled Gonzo.

"We'd fit right in," said Senza.

"Speak for yourself," said Tetra. "I, for one, am never drunk."

"Um," said Mako. " _Or_ they, um, maybe they want the treasure chest. The one we, um, just retrieved."

Senza stroked his chin. "Good point, Mako lad," he said. "Anonymous map and now an anonymous message? They're playing us. They wanted us to get the chest. Or they wanted _someone_ to get it. And now they want us there at this merry little tournament to take it off our hands"

"Wasn't that hard to find," Nudge grunted. "The chest."

"The island was," Tetra countered. "Unless you had a map. _They_ must have given us that map. Which means _they_ could've got to the chest anytime they wanted."

"Um," said Mako. "Unless something was, um, stopping them getting to the, um, island."

"So," said Link suddenly. "Who exactly are 'they'?"

Slowly, the whole crew turned toward him. Silence fell on deck.

A tease of a smile played on Link's lips. He snapped his book shut. "Let's go find out, yeah? It's what we're meant to do. I just know it is." The sea breeze tugged at his golden hair and his gaze was unfocused, as though he was staring off at something in the distance. "What do you say?"


	4. Justice

**4\. Justice**

Gonzo looked up from the wheel of the ship. "What in the blazes is that?"

Tall, lithe and built of steel, head towering over the tree line of the island they approached, was a giant -

 _A giant what?_

Tetra frowned. She pressed her hands against the ship's railing. "A giant suit of armour?"

The rest of the crew approached the ship's bow, staring in awe. Gonzo kept his eyes focussed now as he guided the ship into port.

This island - Tower Island, to be precise - was the location of the Grand Pirate Smash. A volcano stood at its centre, dark smoke drifting off its peak, and the trees with their thick, long leaves swayed in the humid air. Toward the coast was the island's only village, home to the tall, white tower that gave the island its name.

The thing they'd spotted - whatever it was - stood in the rough shape of a human, with even the facial features to boot. Tetra peered. The pale blue eyes, glinting under the sun, were clearly some form of crystal. Silver and black paint embellished most of its rivet-covered body. Ladders rested against the torso. Sparks flew as workers hanging by ropes banged the unpainted - and unfinished - steel sections with hammers.

"Armour?" said Senza quietly. "Who would fit in it?"

Mako shook his head. "It's not, um, armour. It's, um -"

"A mechanical man."

The pirates turned towards the sound of Link's voice. He was lying on the deck, hands behind his head, a pair of round spectacles resting on his face as he gazed into the sky.

Tetra's eyes narrowed. _He doesn't even need those._

"Hey," said Niko, pulling the pirates' attention away from Link. "Look. The swabbies are having a party!"

The crew peered over the edge. True enough, the docks were filled with revellers - some from the town itself, but mostly pirates like themselves. Drunken laughter and music mixed with angry voices and the occasional crack of pistol fire. There was even a woman breathing fire in front of a rapt pirate audience.

Tetra shifted her eyes back to the angry arguing she'd heard moments earlier. An official of some sort - a scroll and quill in his hands - was in dispute with -

"Sneer." Tetra slapped her thigh. "He's here already. Senza, Link - with me. The rest of you guard that chest. I'll keep in touch with Harkinian with my Pirate Charm."

"Excellent," said the ship. "I recommend you wear it on a necklace."

Tetra paused, suspicion flicking over her face. "Why?"

"So that the charm itself will dangle straight down your shir -"

" _Senza_ ," Tetra cut in. " _You_ hold the charm." She pulled the stone from her pocket, then shoved it into Senza's hand.

Tetra looked up at her crew, then nodded and smiled. "You've got your orders, boys."

"Aye, aye, Miss Tetra!" the crew chorused.

Tetra turned. "Link...?"

He was still gazing straight up.

"You coming...?"

"The sky," he said. "A real hero can read the signs."

"Mm-hmm."

 _I hope he's not going to start seeing things in the clouds now._ _I don't need a lecture on fluffy sheep._

Link chuckled. "I mean, it's a metaphor, you know?"

Tetra cocked an eyebrow. "For what?"

"Potential," he said, sweeping his hand in front of him. "All those possibilities. So wide and expansive. Don't be so wrapped up in your own little bubble."

"Right," she replied in a neutral voice. "Are you coming, though?"

He drew back his legs, then flipped upright. The spectacles went flying, landing in the sea beyond with a soft splash.

"Yup. Wouldn't miss it." He walked past her. "Hey, sorry for musing. Don't know what comes over me sometimes."

Tetra sighed. "Don't mention it," she mumbled.

 _One day,_ she thought. _I'll find out exactly what happened to you, Link._

Once the ship had dropped anchor, Tetra led the three of them marching down the shivering wooden plank to the docks. In amongst the noise and the smell - _The humble bar of soap. A pirate's eternal foe -_ they spotted Sneer and five of his men still in heated discussion.

 _Heat's the right word,_ thought Tetra as she wiped her brow. _So damn hot here._

"Look, Milady," said Senza in a low voice. "It's a Quack."

That was their pet-name for the beak-faced Rito and, indeed, the official facing off with Sneer was a member of the race. Myriad voices swirled around them. Tetra pricked up her ears as they neared.

"Sir," the Rito official said in a firm voice. "Once again, the rules are clear. No one but you and two of your crew are allowed on the island during the Grand Smash."

"Yeah, Sneer," said Tetra. "Just you and two of your miscreants."

Captain Sneer turned to face her. "You," he spat.

"Me."

"Finally made it, didja?" He glanced at Senza and then Link, his eyes twitching as they lingered on the Outset boy. "These two? You've chosen these two?"

The official coughed politely. "As per the rules," he said in a stiff voice as he tapped the quill against his beak. "Now kindly follow suit yourself, sir."

"Tough," Sneer replied, leaning in close. "We're entering six."

"Wow," said Tetra. "Surprised you can count past one, Sneer. Send the rest back. We'd like a little clean air for ourselves, thanks very much."

Sneer sneered. "Who's going to stop us?"

Tetra sighed. Sneer was an idiot. He _could_ bring six of his crew, but it's obvious the official here didn't have to log them all. Why the Rito was even bothering to argue was beyond her. Probably just had his pride pricked and wanted to get the last word in.

 _Men,_ she thought. _Always acting before thin-_

Link suddenly stood to attention, swiping his hat off the top of his head. He reached in, and drew out a boomerang. He pulled back his arm, eyes thinned, and then said in a low, menacing voice, "Taste justice."

With a single step forward, Link threw. All eyes watched the path of the boomerang as it cut a spinning 'S' arc through the air.

On its return path, it struck one of Sneer's crew in the head, then another, then a random villager and then another of Sneer's pirates before slicing back toward Link. He snatched it out of the air before drawing himself up to his full height, determination etched on his face. The three pirates collapsed in unison. So did the random villager.

"That'll do nicely," said the official.

Sneer glowered. Tetra managed a weak smile. "Think someone should check on that guy," she said softly, pointing at the village bystander now lying unconscious on the floor.

She moved to leave, but Sneer stepped in front of her.

"I hope we get to face you in the Smash," he growled. "I really do, lass. Finally going to wipe that smug grin off your pretty little face." Sneer turned away. "Boys! Let's get somethin to eat while we wait for the lads to wake up."

Tetra watched him storm off, blinking. "What did _I_ do?" She exhaled as Link and Senza sidled up to her. "I wasn't even grinning. Were you grinning, Senza?" He shook his head."Were you, Li-"

Link was grinning. Nodding in satisfaction, too.

Tetra sighed again. "Never mind."

Her gaze was drawn to the metal giant once more. "And, seriously. What is that thing?"

"I can tell you, toots."

Tetra turned at the sound of the newcomer's voice. Droopy eyes over a blue longcoat stared back at her.

"Linebeck," she said. The sailor had helped Link once, when Tetra had been embarrassingly kidnapped by a ghost ship controlled by some phantom calamari called Bellum. They'd run into Linebeck a few times since, too. "What are you doing here? You're not a pirate. And don't call me toots."

"Please," he replied. "Captain Linebeck Senior, if you will. And why wouldn't a brave adventurer like myself be here to pit my wits against the most ferocious pirates of the Great Sea?"

"Jolene was invited," said Senza. "Wasn't she?"

Jolene was a pirate girl that had taken a shine to Linebeck. After she'd tried to kill him when he'd stolen some of her treasure, of course.

 _Pirate romance,_ thought Tetra. _Boy meets girl. Boy betrays girl. Girl tries to brutally murderelize boy. Girl falls helplessly in love with her victim. Happy ending, apart from the dagger they each keep hidden under a pillow. Just in case._

Linebeck quickly hid a scowl. "Maybe," he muttered as he scratched his head. "She needs two crew to fight, anyhow. I'm one."

"Who's the other?" asked Senza.

"She's still recruiting."

"So," said Tetra, pointing. "What _is_ that thing?"

Linebeck looked up at the metal giant and grinned. "That," he said, "is the Grand Prize for the Grand Smash. That's what it's called - the Grand-S. How else could you be Ruler of the Sea without being at the helm of that beautiful beast?"

"Helm?" said Senza. "It's controllable...?"

Linebeck nodded. "From the inside, yes."

"A mechanical man," said Link. "Nailed it."

"Who made the Grand-S?" said Tetra. "Who's running this whole gig, Beck?"

"Dunno," said Linebeck. "But the word is they're holed up in that tower." Tetra looked up at the building in question. The smooth, white windowless walls stretched toward the pale blue sky above.

"Never mind that now, though, sweets," said Linebeck, taking her by the elbow. "You got a place to stay? I know the perfect little dive..."

As Captain Linebeck led Tetra and Senza away, Link paused to crouch next to the villager he'd knocked silly with the boomerang. The man was beginning to stir, then looked up, befuddled.

"Hey," said Link softly. "Sorry for the drama." He pushed a gold coin into the man's palm. "For your troubles."

As Link stood, his gaze was taken by the Grand-S. Its sharp edges caught the sunlight and gleamed. It had an awe-inspiring beauty to it. Link smiled. "Oh, yes," he whispered. "I like where this is going."


	5. Shovel

**5 - Shovel**

Tetra sat with her chin propped in her hand, sitting at a table with Linebeck, as a barroom brawl whirled all around them.

Linebeck flinched as a bottle shattered over someone's head, glass shards spilling across the floor. "Where's Link?"

Tetra shrugged. She ducked as a screaming pirate went flying overhead. "He's got a Smash first thing in the morning," she said. "Probably training."

"And Senza?"

"Upstairs." She pointed. "Asleep. Thanks for the rooms." She gazed around. Someone yelled. "Charming place. I like the decor." She took a sip from her drink.

Linebeck jerked back his head as the sharp edge of a broken chair leg spun through the air. Splinters trailed in its wake, rattling onto the table as they fell. "Don't mention it." He dabbed sweat from his face with a little handkerchief. "It's the opening ceremony tonight and this lot are fighting."

"Really?" said Tetra, distracted. "I hadn't noticed." She turned her full attention to her companion. "I need to know what's going on here, Beck," said Tetra. Without even flinching, she snuck out an elbow to catch a pirate that had gotten too close behind her. "I mean, seriously. Look at these guys."

"I _know -"_

 _"_ Not one of them has questioned why we're all even here or who invited us."

"Oh." A pirate ran past their table. His hair was on fire. Linebeck huddled in fear."You know pirates," he squeaked. "So long as there's treasure they don't need to ask any questions."

"The tower," said Tetra. "You said where it's all at. The masterminds."

"Maybe," he said weakly. "It's just a rumour, that's all."

"I need to get in."

"Why?" said Linebeck. "What does it matter?"

"Wow," she said, shaking her head slowly. "You're just like them. No curiosity." Tetra took another sip as she pondered. "Maybe I could use Harkinian's catapult."

"Tetra. Listen." The sudden seriousness in Linebeck's voice made her glance up. "Sometimes it's better not to know."

Tetra frowned. "What does that mean?" Her eyes thinned. "Know about what? What do _you_ know, Beck?"

"N-nothing! I swear!" He held up his palms. Crockery shattered somewhere behind them. An effeminate scream followed. Linebeck met her eyes with a level gaze. "I've just got a feeling."

* * *

Her name was Miri. She was working late, and she wasn't happy about it.

 _Annoyed,_ _to be frank,_ she thought as she patted more soil down with her shovel. Crickets chirped and mosquitos buzzed around her, adding to her frustration. The small circle of earth had to have all the dirt levelled off before tomorrow's first Smash. It was to serve as the battleground for the tournament. She'd already spent hours putting up the pennants that were now snapping in the hot sea breeze.

Miri wiped sweat from her brow. _Why tell me at the last minute?_

The metal scoop of her spade clunked with a dull thud as she worked the earth. She was the only one here. No one else would be allowed to the ground until daybreak.

 _Typical. Having to do this all alone. This is going to take all night. Not fair._

Miri hissed hot breath through clenched teeth. She was supposed to be out with her friends tonight. There was meant to be an opening ceremony and both her fellow villagers and the newly arrived pirates would be attending. She was secretly hoping she'd catch some pirate's eye so she could finally be off this island. The thin sound of merriment and music floated on the air even now.

Miri slammed the shovel hard into the ground. _A little help would've been nice!_

"Say," said a voice. "I see you're working late and you're not happy about it."

Miri froze, heart thumping. Her sweaty hand tightened around the shovel's wooden shaft. Slowly she turned.

A young man dressed in green smiled back at her.

"Who're you?" asked Miri.

"No one," said the boy with a slight shrug. "Just passing by. Don't worry."

Miri hissed inwardly. She must've left the gate to the tourney ground unlocked. "I'm going to get it now."

"I won't tell," the boy said. "Having to do this all alone, huh?"

Miri nodded.

"Doesn't seem fair. Might take all night."

Miri's eye twitched. He seemed harmless enough. Had a trustworthy face, too.

The boy's smile widened. _He's got a nice smile._

"Do you want me to help you out a bit?" he said. "You can take a little break."

She shouldn't. She knew she shouldn't. No-one was allowed – strict orders. But Miri just didn't care. Her screaming muscles didn't care, either. It's not like _they_ cared about her, dragging her out at this time of night to do the work. Besides, what harm could he do…?

Miri held out the shovel. "Sure," she said. "Just five minutes, though."

The green-clad boy took it. "Make it ten."

Miri shrugged and stomped off, glad to rest her aching arms and to find some water for her parched throat. She found a ragged cloth in a hut near to the tourney ground and wiped herself down.

In the distance she heard the volcano rumble slightly. Birds squawked in panicked response. It didn't bother Miri. The volcano groaned and grumbled but had never burst into a rage in her lifetime. She decided to make her way back.

Miri's eyes widened as she slowed. The green-clad boy was standing in the centre of the ground, the earth perfectly level and flat.

"How…?" she croaked.

The boy noticed her, waved, then walked over. "Thanks," he said.

Miri shook her head limply. "No worries."

The boy disappeared into the night. Miri pulled out a pocket watch, the thin chain rattling, and checked the time. She grinned. She still had time to catch up to her friends. Without a moment's further thought, she ran for the gate.

* * *

Tetra took her place with Senza in the crowd standing around the battleground. She looked toward the village. In the distance, the Grand-S stood as a silent sentinel, visage stern. Closer, she saw the morning sunlight cast the island's tower in an ethereal glow.

 _That's where I need to be._

Tetra looked down at the tattered bunch of parchment in her hand. All they'd received since arriving was a copy of these rules. Basically, it was individual one-on-one Smashes for the first round. Second round onward would be team fights – unless the rest of your team didn't make it, in which case you could be in a two-on-three or even one-on-three battle.

Fall or forfeit, no killing.

This morning Link would be going first, up against someone called Cannonball Carl.

A neatly-dressed Rito official was already waiting in the centre of the battleground. The referee, no doubt.

Metal clanked. The murmur of the crowd grew as Cannonball Carl strode down the dusty, narrow path that led into the ground. A shield hung from one arm, and spiked armour covered every inch of him - aside from his bare head and face. The ground trembled with his every stomp.

Tetra and Senza exchanged glances.

"Do you Link can take him, Milady?" asked Senza.

"He's got this," she replied in a quiet voice. "He always does."

"Where is he, though?"

The crowd waited. The Rito referee waited. Cannonball Carl waited. A sea breeze blew, sending the multi-coloured pennants into a flutter.

A commotion near the path caught Tetra's eye. It was Link, walking in at a brisk pace, and holding -

"A sandwich?" said the Rito official. "What is this? You delayed us for a sandwich?"

"Breakfast," Link corrected. He smiled then took a bite. His mouth slowed. His smile dissolved into a frown. "Pickles," he said quietly. "I can taste pickles. I told them no pickles."

The referee made an exasperated snort. "Fight!"

The crowd roared. Link's pirate opponent looked him up and down, then snorted at the sight. He dropped into an easy fighting stance.

"Listen, kid," he said. "You're outmatched here. Just forfeit the match."

Link paused mid-chew. "No."

Cannonball Carl rolled his eyes. "Do you actually think -"

"I don't."

The pirate blinked. "What?"

Link's voice darkened. "Don't think. Don't quit. Just do." He swept his gaze around to take in the crowd. "That's how I roll. _"_

A soggy pickle dropped out of one end of his sandwich.

"You're either brave or stupid," Carl said, "but I -"

"Stupid."

The man's words died in his throat. His mouth worked, but no sound came out.

"No, no..." Link frowned again and shook his head. "Sorry. Really sorry. That's not right." He snapped his fingers. "I got it! Yeah! Stupid!" He pointed. " _You're_ stupid!"

The pirate bared his teeth and growled. "I'll gut you for that, you -"

Link slammed his foot down. A buried shovel shot up into the air. All eyes turned up to watch its spinning progress. The crowd seemed to hold their collective breath. The shovel hung in mid-air for a fraction of a second, sunlight framing it in gold, then it dropped down, down, down – and struck Cannonball Carl straight on the head.

The man stumbled, knees wobbling. He keeled over unconscious a moment later.

"Yeah!" Link nodded, grinning. "Flawless victory." His voice darkened, dropping to a harsh whisper, as he took a long look around the crowd of pirates. "Tell your friends." They stared back at him. Link's voice faltered. "Or something."

The Rito referee also stared. It was so quiet that the distant sigh of the sea sang in the air.

Link held out his hand. "Sandwich?"

"No…" the official croaked. "No, thank you."

He cleared his throat. "Link of Team Tetra is _through_ to the second round!"

Link threw a little salute Tetra's way. The entire crowd of pirates turned to look at her. A parrot squawked.

Tetra wilted under a host of burning glares. She attempted a weak smile. "He's an idiot," she said "But he's our idiot."

The crowd exploded in protest and, within minutes, the pirates had forgotten all about her and were at each other's throats.

 _Typical._

She pulled Senza aside. "Let's skip this gig," she said, ducking as someone's wooden peg-leg went flying. "We're not on until tomorrow, anyway."

Senza leaned down to hear her better. "What do you have in mind, Milady?"

"Hey." They looked up as Link joined them. "Sandwich?"

"Great," said Tetra, ignoring the offer. "We're all here." She looked up at the island's tower.

Senza noticed. "No, Milady." A concerned frown wrinkled his brow. He shook his head. "I'd wager that place will be heavily guarded. A tough nut to crack indeed."

Tetra turned. "Link?"

"Listen, Senza," he said, his voice taking on an edge again. "Throw out fear. Throw out doubt. That's always been my motto."

Senza looked bemused. "You...don't even have a motto."

Link smiled. "Let's do this."


	6. Crack

**6\. Crack**

The shadow of the white tower crossed Tetra's face as she circled the base for the third time. She exhaled in frustration. There was no door, no matter how hard she looked. How in the world could anyone be living inside?

"This is hopeless," she said.

"No way!" Link's face was in front of her so fast that she jumped. "That's just in your head. We'll find a way. Team Tetra doesn't listen to doubt."

"Team Tetra doesn't -" Her eye twitched. "Wait. When...exactly did we establish that...?"

But Link wasn't listening. Rubbing his chin, he gazed up in thought at the slender, alabaster building facing them. "All we need to do is find a crack."

"Why a crack?" asked Senza.

Link started rummaging around in his hat. "So I can use _this -_ " He pulled out a spherical bomb "- to get us in."

Senza chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Can't...you just...use that anyway?"

"Come _on,_ Senza," said Link. " _Everyone_ knows that bombs only work when there's a crack."

Tetra and Senza exchanged looks. They shrugged.

 _Whatever._

With one hand, Tetra shaded her eyes from the sun and looked up to scan the tower. Birds flew overhead. She needed this done quickly before they were missed back at the tourney.

" _There,"_ she said, pointing. " _There's_ a crack." Sure enough, high up on the tower's north face was a slim, jagged sliver, the only blemish on the otherwise smooth, white wall.

Link nodded. "Told ya."

With a yell of ' _Yah!'_ he pulled back his arm and threw. The bomb hit the crack and detonated with a soft _whoomph_ , showering them all in shattered masonry.

Tetra threw an urgent glance back toward the battleground. No-one seemed to have noticed the noise.

 _They'll see the hole soon enough, though._

"We have to move fast, boys," she said, staring up again. "How do we get up th-"

A change in the air made Tetra look down. Link was already swinging his grappling hook.

Tetra pursed her lips. "Forget I asked."

They were inside within minutes. It was dark, the only illumination being the shaft of sunlight pouring in from the hole they'd just made. The cool air in the tower was a welcome relief from the heat outside. That was the good part. The bad was the smell - Tetra's nose wrinkled as she took it in.

"Stinks like squid," she said. "A giant squid."

An enormous jaundiced eye suddenly opened in the darkness. The three pirates froze. Tetra gasped, her heart contracting painfully mid-beat.

Another eye opened. Then another. Then two more.

Tetra stumbled back. "What _is_ it?"

Sunlight bled through the hole and - for a moment - framed the monster within.

Senza's jaw dropped. " _A giant squid!"_

"Big Octo..." Link breathed.

Tetra snapped around toward him. "You _know_ what this thi-"

She screamed mid-sentence as a huge, purple tentacle hurtled its way toward her head. Tetra ducked, and the tentacle smashed into the wall, shattering it. More sunlight poured in. Now they could see the thing clearly, all swirling tentacles, glowing eyes and blue-and-lilac skin.

Tetra drew her flintlock pistol and fired. Her hand jerked from the recoil, and a molten flash burned against the gloom. The bullet bounced harmlessly off of the squid. A gurgling roar flew from the Octo. Tetra's heart raced.

A thick tentacle swept her way again. Tetra's eyes widened then, at the very last moment, she somersaulted over the fleshy limb.

She landed with a hiss. "This is insane! How can a squid live without water?!"

Her companions didn't reply. Senza had his face squished against a sucker on one of the squid's tentacles as he tried to grasp in desperation for the pommel of his sword.

Link was fishing about in his hat. He pulled out a bottle, looked at it, and said, "Chu Jelly," then threw it over his shoulder. He pulled out another, looked at it, and said, "Shampoo," then threw it over his shoulder. He pulled out his boomerang - and his mouth split into a wide grin.

The Outset boy didn't see the tentacle slowly curling up behind him. Tetra's eyes widened. "Link! Watch ou-"

Link launched himself into a backflip, elegantly swooping over the tentacle, then landing gracefully into a crouch.

"Throw it, Link!" Tetra screamed. "Throw it!"

Link drew himself up to his full height and turned toward the Octo. "Did you honestly think you could best Team Tetra?" he growled. "Look into our minds - do you see? There's no place for doubt! Fear is a concept we laugh at!"

Tetra grit her teeth. "Stop speechifying and throw the damn boomerang!""

"And I will win!" Link screamed. "Because. I. Am. The. Hero!"

" _It's a squid! It doesn't understand a word you're saying!_ "

Link drew back the boomerang. His eye gleamed. "Taste. Justice."

The boomerang left his hand. Tetra watched, eyes still wide, as it tore through the air, spinning. It hit the Octo in one eye. The creature howled and threw its tentacles into the air. Its eye turned from yellow to a glowing blue. The boomerang went on, hitting eye after eye, each one turning the exact same shade of iridescent blue before it swept back into Link's waiting hand.

The Octo gave one last roar - then exploded outward, a tide of black ink catching the three pirates and throwing them back outside.

Tetra gasped for breath as they tumbled, carried along by the force of the wave. Sticky cold liquid choked her throat. The world spun in her eyes, inky black one moment, sky blue the next. Finally, they came spinning to a stop. She coughed. Her hair, limp and damp, fell over her face. Black ink squelched under her palms.

Tetra looked up.

The other pirates were all there, glaring at them. A Rito official stood at the head, arms crossed, face stern. Tetra even saw Linebeck, standing at the rear, palm firmly stuck to his face as he slowly shook his head. The sun beat down on them all.

"No," said the nameless Rito official. "No, no, no. This won't do. This won't do at all."

Tetra, Senza and Link all stood. Cold, black ink ran down Tetra's neck. She grimaced.

"What," said the Rito, "do you have to say for yourselves? Hmm?"

Tetra opened her mouth to speak, but Link beat her to the punch.

"I don't want to alarm you," he said in a quiet, concerned voice, "but it appears you may just have a giant squid infestation."

"Enough!" The Rito's face darkened. "Seize them! Seize them all!""


	7. Cell

**7\. Cell**

 _Dawn of the First Day_

The Rito guards, armed with batons, pushed Senza and Link down the corridors of the Tower Island prison, their boots splashing in the film of dirty water that sloshed across the floor. Captain Tetra had already been taken to her own cell.

"Cut it out," snapped Senza as one of the guards prodded too hard with his metal club. "We're moving already."

The lead guard swivelled to a stop, heels squeaking. "In," he said, gesturing with his baton toward an open cell.

Senza peered inside. It was cramped, dirty and bare. "The two of us?" he said. "In here?"

Snarling, the guard grabbed Senza by his sleeve and roughly shoved him into the small chamber. Link followed more slowly, pausing in front of the Rito.

"You don't have a name," he said. "Your kind never does."

"My _kind?_ " the Rito growled. "What are you babbling about, you idiot?"

The corners of Link's mouth flicked up. "Exactly," he said.

The guard hissed. "Get _in_!"

Link stepped inside. "You'll get it," he murmured. "Your comeuppance. It's coming."

The shadow of the cell bars fell across them both as the lead guard slid the rattling door shut. A soft click followed.

"Damn," said Senza as the guards walked away. "We're done. We. Are. Done."

"Bite your tongue, Senza," said Link in a dark voice. "And clench your fist. We're Team Tetra, and that's not how we roll."

 _Dawn of the Second Day_

Senza lay on the damp floor of the cell, his hands behind his head. Fatigue weighed down his eyelids. His stomach growled.

"Hey, Link," he said, turning to his companion. "When do you think they're going to feed us?"

The Outset boy wasn't listening. He sat cross-legged on the other side of the room, bespectacled eyes reading from a book. He'd plucked both the book and his glasses from his hat.

Senza turned away. "They took the Pirate Charm away from me. I can't even contact the crew."

Paper whispered as Link turned a page.

Senza was usually quite tolerant towards the boy's eccentric ways, but now he felt the irritation itch.

"Curse this foolhardy endeavour," he cursed. "What are we even doing here? Sometimes the captain is too stubborn for her own good. How did this happen? When did it all go wrong?"

"Last chapter," said Link.

"Sorry?"

Link looked up from the book. "Last chapter." He tapped the pages. "It's really good."

"Right." Senza's stomach gurgled. It contacted in pain. He grimaced."I hope that book's edible, lad. I really do. Because I don't think I'm going to last at this rate."

 _Dawn of the Final Day_

Now Senza sat with his back against the grimy wall, his legs stretched out in front of him. His mouth was dry. Hunger tore at his stomach.

Link was with him, crouched opposite, eyes darting left and right.

"We need to get out of here," the Outset boy said.

"Only just noticed?" Senza replied. He knitted his fingers, yawned, then cracked his knuckles. "Relax. Let's see what they do with us. That's all we can do."

"Don't give up, Senza."

The older pirate ignored him. "If they ever come back, that is." He smacked his dry lips. "They better do. So hungry." His voice began to slur. "Just relax."

"I am relaxed," said Link. "It's you I'm worried about."

The older pirate cocked an eyebrow, suddenly alert. "Why so?"

"I _know_ about places like this," Link replied. "I know what happens. I might get roughed up a little but you - you'll end up dead."

As ever when he spoke to Link, Senza found his head starting to throb. "Why...me? Why not you?"

Link shook his head. "I just know."

"Why either of us?" Senza pressed on. He sat up. "And how do you know? Had much experience in cells, lad?"

Link suddenly stood up. He swiped the hat from his head. "We're leaving."

Senza had completely forgotten about the boy's hat. "Wait...your hat..." Realisation hit him like a slap. "You could've busted us out at any time!"

"Needed to up the stakes first," said Link as he pulled out some bread. "Eat up. You need your strength."

Senza shot to his feet. His bloodshot eyes widened. His jaw dropped. He grabbed the sides of his head.

Link blinked, face blank. "What?"

"You-you-you," gasped Senza. "Three days. I've been starving three days! Three daaaays!

"Yup."

" _Three days we've been in here and you never thought to mention you had food!_ "

"And water," Link replied, pulling out a leather pouch.

Senza's eyes bulged. His mouth opened. All he managed was a croaking, "Gaaaaaaaah."

"You don't want it?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnn!"

Link shrugged. "Fair enough, I'll just put it all ba-"

With a guttural growl, Senza swiped the bread from Link's hand and wolfed it down. He snatched the pouch next, and pulled the stopper, threw back his head and gulped the cool water down. It trickled down the sides of his chin as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down.

"Stand back."

Senza looked up. Link was rocking back and forth on his heels, boomerang ready in one hand. He threw it at the cell lock - it clanged against it in a shower of sparks. The door trundled open.

Link held up his hand. The boomerang landed in his waiting palm with a smack. "Let's go."

They ran down the corridor, ducking spiders hanging from their threads from the rusted, curved ceiling, turned left, ran down another passage, torches flickering as they passed, turned right -

And there, walking toward them, was the lead Rito guard. He froze, gaping.

Link didn't even slow. He drew back his arm and hurled the boomerang. It bounced off one wall then clocked the guard on the side of his head. The Rito crumpled to the ground.

Link leapt over him, caught the returning boomerang in mid-air, then slid to a halt. Senza followed suit. Link dropped his gaze to the prone guard. "Like I said. Comeuppance."

" _Link!_ " A voice cracked the air like a whip. _"What are you doing?"_

Link and Senza turned. Captain Tetra glared back at them, hands on her hips. Linebeck was with her, looking horrified at what had just happened.

"Milady," said Senza, stepping forward. "How did you get out?"

"We've been freed," snarled Tetra."That's what we - all three of us- were coming to tell you."

Link blinked. He looked down at the unconscious guard. "Oh."

Tetra shook her head. "They'll probably throw us back into their landlubber brig now."

Link nudged the Rito with his foot. He waited. He nudged the guard again. "I think he's dead."

"Freed?" said Senza. "Why?"

Tetra shrugged. "I don't know. Only these Rito ever talk to us, and they don't give reasons."

"The Rito are the masterminds?"

"No," Tetra replied, shaking her head again. She glanced at Link. He was trying to pry open the Rito's beak. She didn't even want to know what he was planning.

"They weren't in that tower, whoever they were," Tetra went on. "Though a giant squid was. Which no-one seems the slightest bit concerned about."

"So what do we do now?"

"I've heard something," she replied. "They'regoing to be present at the final Smash - but only to greet the winners in private."

"Milady," said Senza. "Captain. Let's drop this. Let's go back to the _Harkinian._ Who really cares what's going on here?"

"I care," said Tetra. "I don't know why, but I do." Emotion thickened her voice. "I just have a feeling that it's...important. To _me._ "

Senza bowed his head. "Aye, aye, Captain," he said softly.

Tetra looked over at Link again. He was pushing on the guard's chest, muttering, "Live, damn you! Don't you dare die on me!"

Tetra cleared her throat. "Beck, see to that Rito. Senza, help him out. Link, a word."

She waited until the Outset boy was in earshot, then leaned in and spoke in a low voice. "We need to get to the final," she said. "But they've demoted you back to the first round as 'punishment' for us breaking their tower." Tetra bit her lower lip for a moment. "I need you to do your thing, Link."

"Thing?"

"You know." She exhaled softly. "Your talking thing."

Link considered this for a moment. He rubbed his chin, deep in thought. When he looked up, his eyes seemed to gaze off into the distance. "I guess it's time, then," he said in a soft voice. "Time for the big reveal."


	8. Insane

**8\. Insane**

It was hot. And it stank.

Tetra and Senza shuffled through the stifling crowd. The pirates had all gathered at the Tower Island market, ready to barter for any wares. Which usually meant drawn pistols, easy threats and fisticuffs until one side, bruised and bloodied, got what they want.

Link, on the other hand, was off preparing for his Smash rematch. Apparently.

 _Who knows what that kid gets up to these days?_

Pirates were a rowdy lot. Tetra had known this from the moment she was born. The crew once told her that on the night of her birth, her mother had gone up to the crow's nest, baby in hand, and cackled wildly toward the night sky as everyone else partied on deck.

Here, all the noise was a cacophony of aggressive shouts, barked laughter and idiots twirling some weird rattle-thing that was sold as a toy in the marketplace. It sounded like a million pebbles spilling down a flight of stairs.

 _Kids. The lot of them._

Something was bugging her. Tetra wasn't usually big on hunches, but like she'd said to Senza, she just _knew_ there was something important happening here. Something related directly to her.

 _Great. I'm an egomaniac. Who knew?_

Her heart skipped a beat. Tetra had just caught sight of a tall man with golden hair. Not exactly knowing why, she strained to get another look -

When a slim woman with long lashes peeking out over the top of a black, bamboo hand-fan stepped in front of her.

"Hello, Captain Tetra," she said.

Tetra frowned. Irritation warred with disappointment within her. "Who are _you_?"

"Your first opponent," the woman replied in a light voice. "Allow me to introduce myself. Creant is the name. Miss Creant."

Tetra's eyes thinned to slits. "Miss…Creant?"

"A pleasure, I'm sure. I promise I'll not hurt you too much."

" _Miss Creant?!_ "

The sound of a bell began ringing out. Miss Creant glanced up. "Looks like the first Smash of the day. Your boy again, is it not?"

"Miss Creant!" Tetra cried. "What kind of a name is that? You have _got_ to be ki-"

Senza cut her off by gently squeezing her arm. Tetra, heaving, held her tongue. If she met another pirate with an idiotic name, though…

"Catch you later," said Creant, sliding off toward the battleground.

"Who's Link up against?" Tetra mumbled as the pirates flooded past her.

"Um," said Senza, looking slightly abashed. The two of them joined the flow of the crowd.

" _Senza,_ " Tetra warned. "Spit it out."

Senza mumbled.

"What?" said Tetra.

"Milady," he said. "He's up against Captain 'Sardine-Breath' Sawyer Butz."

It's said that every single bird on Tower Island sprang into panicked flight when Tetra bellowed in rage.

* * *

They found some empty spaces on the splinter-coated benches that had been newly set up for the audience. Tetra gazed around.

"Where's Beck?" she asked.

Senza shrugged. "Probably with Jolene."

"Haven't seen her, either," Tetra replied. "Like, at _all._ "

Again, a flicker of golden air caught her eye and stole her breath. Again, she didn't quite get a good sight of the man.

 _What's wrong with me? Who cares about some pretty boy?_

A ripple of noise made Tetra turn toward the battleground. The referee led Captain Sawyer and Link out onto the field. Sawyer was an older pirate, with grizzled looks and silver hair peeking out from beneath his hat.

Link, as ever, seemed quite calm and content. Tetra chewed on her bottom lip. He'd do the talking think, like she'd asked. It still made her nervous. Mainly because she had no clue what was going on?

 _And what did he mean when he said 'It's time for the big reveal?'_

* * *

Captain Sawyer chewed on some smoky tobacco as he stared out from under the brim of his hat at his opponent. He'd seen what this boy Link had done against Cannonball Carl and knew not to underestimate him. The smile plastered on his face unnerved the grizzled pirate, though. He chewed some more, feeling the burn on the inside of his cheek.

Sawyer wanted to win the Grand Smash for one reason and one reason only – to finally retire and be reunited with his daughter, Peggy. He'd never tell his crew that, though. They'd think him a coward. He had a long, hard life, and all he had to show for it was the hole in his heart from missing his little girl. He wasn't going to miss out anymore, and especially not because of this green-clothed upstart.

A hush fell over the crowd. Sunlight, sharp and bright, filled the air. The Rito referee held his hand up for a moment, then dropped it. "Fight!"

Sawyer stepped up, the soft soil beneath sinking under his tattered leather boot. Link stepped up as well. He was still smiling. The boy met Sawyer's eyes with a level gaze. Link's own eyes seemed to sparkle.

Trepidation made Sawyer's heart tremble. There was something wrong. There was something very wrong with this boy. He swallowed the wad of tobacco, feeling its heat down his throat, then opened his mouth to speak.

But Link beat him to it.

"Hey," he said, in a low voice that only Sawyer could here. "Can I ask you a question?"

Sawyer brow furrowed. "What?"

"Are you... in control?"

Sawyer's mouth twitched. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Yeah. You didn't get it. I understand. It means," said Link, leaning closer, "are you the one _really_ in control of your actions? Like, did you just made your mouth twitch? Or did you do it because it was written that way?" He paused. "How's Peggy?"

Shock widened Sawyer's eyes. "What? _What?_ Where did you hear that name?" Fury made his fist shake. He fought to keep his shaking voice down. "How could you possible know?"

Link made a vague gesture with his hand. "I can read the text." The air around the boy seemed to shimmer. He became blurred and almost ghostly.

"Text?!" Sawyer blurted. "What?!"

Link cocked his head to the side. "Let me let you into a little secret," he said. "This world? _Our_ world? It's not real." His smile stayed in place. "We're just...words. A story based on a _game_."

The older pirate snarled. "Don't be a fool."

 _This idiot boy's mind is riddled like cheese._

"This idiot boy's mind is riddled like cheese," said Link. "That's what you just thought. Weird simile, have to say."

Sawyer began to tremble. His eyes darted left to right. "Not…real? I'm not…we're not… _she's_ not…"

Link held up his palms. "Shh," he said. "You just have to adapt. You have – oh, wait. Incoming POV cha-"

* * *

Tetra watched, her every muscle clenched. She heard the murmur of her fellow pirates. "What is he doing?" was the whisper.

What, indeed. She knew what was coming next. Link would give the pirate's own weapon to him, then turn his back.

"Excuse me, lads," a deep voice said. "I'm a little late."

Tetra turned to look at the newcomer. Her breath caught in her throat. It was a man. _The_ man. Lean and well-muscled with long, blond hair, he was absolutely –

 _Gorgeous._

Tetra swallowed. The man noticed her regard. He smiled, revealing a row of perfectly-formed teeth.

"Well, hello there, pretty lady," he said, pushing in between her and Senza. The bench squeaked from the extra weight. "Mind if I sit here?"

Tetra could see a frowning Senza from the corner of her eye urgently shaking his head. She ignored him.

"Sure," she said, hating how small her voice sounded. "Be my guest."

* * *

"Oh, we're back," said Link. "I hate when that happens."

Sawyer was staring at him, head shaking in disbelief. "You-you're _insane_!"

Link stepped up and pulled the pirate's pistol from the holster on his belt.

"I'll prove it," he said. "Try and shoot me." Link handed the gun over. "You won't be able to. You see, and I'm not saying this to brag, but I'm the hero. And it's not very dramatic for me to die here, in this place, at this point in time."

Link spun around so that Sawyer faced his back, and then held up his hands. "Go ahead."

He glanced over at the crowd. They were hunched forward, necks craning, confusion clear on their faces. All except Tetra. She seemed to be busy with a man with golden hair.

 _Romantic tension. Didn't expect that._ He caught her eye and winked.

Link heard the sound of metal softly clinking as Sawyer dropped to his knees into the earth. The man began to whimper. "No, no, no, no."

Link lowered his arms. The Rito referee threw him a glare, then strode over to Sawyer.

"Do you forfeit?" the Rito said.

"I c-can't," Sawyer gasped. "I don't-don't-"

" _Do you forfeit?"_

"Yes! Yes, damn it! I forfeit!"

"Winner by forfeit!" cried the referee. "Link of Team Tetra is, once again, _through_ to the second round!"

Link let out a breath. The world became a blur again. He ignored the loud, confused grumbling from the crowd. He gazed at the ground for a moment, then looked straight up.

"And you lot," he said softly. "I can't see you. But I know you're reading these words. How you doing? Let me ask you a question or two. How do you know what's real, hey? How do you know _your_ world is what you truly think it is…?"


	9. Fan

**9\. Fan**

"Come on, boys," said Tetra as she led Link and Senza through the thick undergrowth that lay in the long shadow of the newly-finished Grand S. Excitement put a bounce in her step, a sharp contrast to the nervous tint to her voice. "I really want you to meet him."

Grass and twigs snapped under their boots. The whole place was alive with the incessant croak of tiny insects. Senza cast a doubtful look toward Tetra.

"I don't know about this, Milady," he said. "This man, I do not trust him."

Tetra waved away his concerns. "He's...nice," she said, not quite happy with how girlish she sounded. She just wanted them to like him.

"We have more important matters," said Senza. He wasn't pleased by how easily the Captain was being distracted here.

"Such as…?" Tetra replied, her voice distant.

"Such as," Senza pressed, his own voice impatient. "The Tower. The Tower of Tower Island. Why does no-one even find it strange that the Tower of Tower Island was housing a giant squid?"

"Yeah, yeah," Tetra muttered. "Whatever."

Senza held his tongue, only showing his frustration through a long exhalation. He leaned toward Link. "What do you think, lad?"

Link shrugged. "I can't tell," he replied. "The POV is so messed up here."

Senza blinked at him in confusion, but didn't have time to press the issue.

They emerged out into a clearing where the tall, blond man was waiting with hands clasped behind his back. He wore a long, tight-fitting coat that wouldn't have looked out of place on a naval officer. Tetra felt her heart begin to speed up.

"Greetings," the man said, flashing a quick smile. He took Tetra's hand, and gently brought it to his lips. "My dear."

Tetra flushed, cheeks blossoming scarlet. Senza looked disgusted. Link had found himself a shiny red apple. He bit into it.

"This is _not_ like you," Senza hissed in Tetra's ear. Annoyed, she stepped away from him.

"My friends!" the other man said, spreading his arms wide. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Baron BoJo Von JoBo."

Tetra giggled. "What a nice name."

Senza frowned. " _What?_ "

Tetra threw him an irritated glare.

Senza turned his attention to Von JoBo. "What's your story, swabbie?"

"I'm so glad you asked," the Baron replied with another smile that made Tetra sigh. "I may call myself Baron, but in truth, I am really born of humble stock. You see, as a babe, I was doted on by my mother. I was her first – and I believe only – issue. I loved her more than any little boy in the world could love their mother. And she, in return, reciprocated. I was happy, my life idyllic. And then, one day, the Rito came. Slaughtered my parents as I watched, helpless. Took me captive. Made me work in the mines they have in that foul Dragon Roost mountain of theirs. I escaped, naturally, but by then I was a young man. No family, no prospects – piracy was my only option. Why the Rito attacked my village, I will never know. But here I am, today, to find the answers I seek and maybe, just maybe, find ease for the turmoil in my heart."

He lowered his head, pausing only to wipe away a solitary tear.

"Wow," said Tetra.

"Wow," said Senza.

"Wow," said Link.

"That," said Tetra, "is so sad."

"That," said Senza, "is a dark tale indeed, lad."

"That," said Link, "is one long paragraph of exposition."

The Baron looked up, his eyes meeting Tetra's. "Perhaps, though," he whispered. "There is another honey that can soothe the burn in my soul."

Tetra blushed, smiling. Senza made a gargled noise in exasperation. Link took another bite from his apple.

The sound of a bell rang out. Tetra's back stiffened, her eyes growing wide. "It's us!" she gasped, looking at Senza. "We're up next!"

She moved to leave, but Baron Von JoBo caught her by the wrist. He leaned in, and she trembled at his proximity.

"Remember," he said. "I will be cheering you on."

Tetra smiled, then made for the battleground.

* * *

"Winner!" shouted the referee. "Senza of Team Tetra is _through_ to the next round!"

Senza brushed dust from his hands and nodded at Tetra as she stepped up to take her place on the Smash battleground.

"Good job," she murmured as he passed.

Senza's opponent, a pirate named Lost-A-Tooth Logan, was carried off by a pair of hurrying Rito.

On the far side of ground, Miss Creant made her entrance, then stood directly opposite Tetra. Heat shimmered in the air between them. Creant still held her bamboo hand-fan up to cover the bottom half of her face.

Tetra tapped her fingers on the cold hilt of her cutlass. She shot a glance into the crowd. There he was, true to his word. Baron Von JoBo with that amazing smile of his. Tetra couldn't help but smile, too. Her heart fluttered, and she felt emboldened.

The referee held up his palm. Tetra gripped her hilt and narrowed her eyes. Silence fell over the watching pirates. The Rito dropped his hand.

"Fight!"

The crowd roared, steel whispered and metal flashed as Tetra slid the cutlass free and exploded into a forward lunge. Miss Creant thrust her hand-fan up to block the strike. Sparks flew as the sword hit, then deflected aside.

Tetra's eyes widened. Miss Creant smiled as she saw the realisation hit Tetra.

 _Not bamboo,_ she thought. _Metal!_

Tetra ducked as Creant sliced for her head, the fan cutting the air with a loud _zing._

 _The heck she going for the kill for…?_

A downward slice followed, tearing through Tetra's tunic at the shoulder. She bared her teeth, hissing. _Need to get that damn fan off of her._

Tetra dropped to a crouch as Creant, yelling, went for her head again. She tried to launch into a back-flip, but Miss Creant caught her in mid-air with a high knee. Flipping back up, Tetra swung with lefts and rights, but Miss Creant dodged and weaved every attack.

 _It's like she knows what I'm going to do._

An emerald flash caught Tetra's eye. That's when she spotted it. A tiny Pirate Charm set in Miss Creant's ear.

 _She's cheating! She's getting help!_

Sand and soil puffed into the air as Tetra planted one palm into the ground. Using her arm as a pivot, she lashed out her foot and swept Miss Creant's legs from out from under her.

The fan flew from Creant's hand, spinning into the dirt. Tetra sprang to her feet and dived for the weapon –

Only for her eyes to bulge, her throat burning, as Miss Creant kipped-up and grabbed her by the collar. Black spots burst into life in Tetra's eyes. She clawed at Creant's hand, but couldn't get her to loosen her grip. Pain shot up Tetra's spine as Creant kneed her in the back.

Tetra felt her opponent's hot breath by her ear.

"It's nothing personal," Creant whispered. "But I'm being paid a _lot_ of coin to make sure you _die._ "

Suddenly the tightness around Tetra's throat was gone. She wheezed as she sucked in cool air. Her eyes watered. She looked up.

"Link!" cried Tetra. "What are you doing here?"

"Interfering in the narrative," he replied. "Don't worry. Only you and Miss Creant here can see me."

"Wha-" She ducked a kick aimed for her head.

Link had his grappling hook ready a second later. He whipped it above his head, eyes pinched as he aimed, then threw. The rope coiled itself around Miss Creant's ankles. She snapped her head down, alarmed.

Link gripped harder on his end of the rope. "Finish her," he said. "Make it look like it's your doing."

Tetra nodded, then broke into a run. Sunlight flashed into her eyes as she leapt. She saw the rope tighten as Link tugged. Tetra connected with the flying kick to the face, and Miss Creant went down.

The crowd exploded into cheers.

Tetra bent over, clutching her knees as she tried to catch her breath.

Miss Creant sat forlorn, her face crumpled in defeat. Link moved to stand over her. She looked up at him. "What…" she croaked. "Who _are_ you?"

Link gazed down, sunlight framing him in golden light, his face hard and stern. He spoke in a low growl. "I'm Batman."

Miss Creant blinked rapidly, her brow furrowed. "Huh?"

"Winner!" cried the referee. "And _through_ to the second round – Captain Tetra of Team Tetra!"


	10. Door

**10\. Door**

It was late afternoon. Captain 'Sardine Breath' Sawyer Butz sat in his cabin, his eyes bloodshot, his shoulders slumped. The crew had given up on knocking on his locked door now. They were anxious to leave Tower Island, but Sawyer had refused to raise anchor. Pretty soon they'd probably mutiny.

 _What's it matter?_ he thought. _They're not real anyway._

He felt a shudder overtake him. Had he really had that thought, or had someone magicked it into existence just by scribbling it with a pen somewhere?

 _And who the heck is the twisted, scab-brained mind that writes this stuff?_

He wasn't real. Peggy wasn't real. His heart broke just from thinking of it.

"Why don't you," he said, voice slurred, "write it so that I forget her? Huh? HUH?!"

A soft click followed. The door to his cabin swung open. Captain Sawyer stumbled to his feet, eyes scrunched up from the sudden flood of lantern light.

"Who the blazes -?!"

His voice collapsed into a gurgle as his vision returned.

She was there.

Standing in the doorway.

"P-Peggy…?"

The little girl smiled. "Papa!"

Sawyer dropped to his knees as she rushed toward him. A moment later, he had her wrapped up in his arms. Tears streamed down Sawyer's face. He breathed in her scent, marvelled at her warmth, felt his heart roar in response to her delighted squeals.

 _This is real. Of course this is real. Why would I even think it wasn't?_

He tried to remember why such an absurd thing had ever come to his mind, but found that he couldn't. Instead, Peggy stole his attention by breathing in deep.

"Ew," she said, wrinkling her little nose.

"What?" he replied, alarmed. "What is it?"

"Your breath!" she said. "It stinks of sardines!"

Sawyer grinned, then laughed as Peggy burst into giggles. Eyes still shimmering, he held her at arm's length so he could get a good look at her.

"How?" he croaked.

"Unca Joe was on a trip," she replied. "I went with him. We just arrived here today. We didn't even know you were here, until someone told me."

"Someone…?" He took her in another ferocious hug, then looked up.

It was the Outset boy, standing outside with a smile. He gave Sawyer a brief salute. The old pirate managed a smile. He raised his hand in return –

But Link had already slipped away.

* * *

It was late evening. They sat huddled around a table in the inn they were staying in, Tetra with a pensive look on her face, Senza looking concerned, and Link slumped over a flagon. It was noisy, with some sort of angry commotion coming from a small back room with a door covered in fading green paint. Tetra found it irritating.

"She wanted to kill you," said Senza in a blank voice.

"Paid to," Tetra replied. "So she said, anyway."

"And this Miss Creant had a Pirate Charm," Senza continued. "Someone in her ear."

"Yeah," said Tetra. "And she's already left the island."

"Convenient."

"Mm-hmm. Speaking of Pirate Charms. Can I have ours for a bit?"

Senza nodded. He pulled the glowing sapphire free from a pocket and slid it across the table. Tetra picked it up.

"Harkinian," she said. "You there?"

"Always," the ship's deep voice responded. "How are you? It's late. I imagine you're in bed now."

Tetra ignored the comment. "The chest. The _treasure_ chest," she added hastily, "The crew having any luck with opening it?"

"Not yet, I'm afraid," said Harkinian. "I think it requires your gentle, soft touch."

Tetra briefly closed her eyes and massaged her brow. _Is it too hard to ask for a bit of sanity now and then?_ It didn't help that the noise from the backroom was making her head pound.

"Keep at it," she said in a soft voice. "It's all connected. I'm sure it is. Anything suspicious on the docks?"

"Not really," the boat replied. "Mainly some curious Rito looking at me. But they appear to be doing that to all the ships."

"Right…" Tetra exchanged glances with Senza. Her brow wrinkled in thought. "Thanks for letting me know. I'm out."

She handed the stone back. Loud voices now emerged from the front of the inn.

"Hey!" someone said. "Hold the door!"

Tetra looked up as the newcomer entered - the door held open by a big hulk of a man with silver hair as asked - and made his way straight to their table.

"Linebeck," she said, leaning back in her hard chair. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"Not since Chapter 7, actually," mumbled Link.

Linebeck frowned and looked over at the Outset boy. "What's up with him?"

Tetra tapped Link's wooden flagon with the tip of her finger. "Too much to drink."

Linebeck craned his neck to peer into the vessel. "That's…just water."

Tetra made a random gesture with her hand. "Just ignore him when he's like this," she said. "Beck, listen –"

"No, _you_ listen." Linebeck slid into an empty chair opposite her. "You've been hanging around the Baron."

Tetra tensed up. "So what?"

"He's bad news, Tetra."

"Knew it," said Senza.

Linebeck glanced at him. "You've heard, too?"

"Shut up, both of you," Tetra snapped. Another yell came from the back room. She hissed in exasperation. "Can't they keep it down back there?"

Link was on his feet in a heartbeat. "Let me handle this."

Tetra watched him go, then turned back to the two men. "What do you mean you 'knew it'?" she asked, looking at Senza. "You heard his story. He's had a hard life."

"So have we all," said Linebeck. "But the Baron. He's something else."

"I didn't ask you." Tetra really didn't want to hear what Linebeck had to say. She couldn't quite tell why she prickled with such defensiveness.

She heard the door to the back room creak open, then snap shut. The voices within grew louder.

Tetra pierced Linebeck with a glare. She may not want to hear it, but she was no coward. "Fine, Beck. So what trash have you heard about him th–"

"HADOUKEN!" A blue flash erupted from within the little back room. The angry voices inside vanished in an instant.

Silence fell over the inn. Tetra and the two men turned slowly to stare at the green door.

"That…" she said slowly, "… was Link's voice."

The backroom door opened. Link stepped out, smiling, encircled in a wispy curls of smoke, his sleeves tinged black. They watched as he walked casually back, then sat down at the table.

"Uh..." said Tetra.

"Sorted," he said. "Down, Down-Forward, Forward + Punch."

"O...kay."

Everyone turned back to their conversations. No more noise came from the back room.

Tetra opened her mouth to speak, but she was cut off again.

"Well, well, well," said the familiar voice.

Tetra's stopped short of rolling her eyes. "Sneer," she said. "Long time."

"Chapter 4," Link murmured.

"Guess what?" said Sneer as he rounded the table. He placed both his palms on the wooden top and leaned in. "I just heard some news. Some good news. Dreams do come true."

Tetra felt her cheek twitch. "What is it?"

"Second round, honey," he replied. "Team Sneer versus Team Tetra."

He grinned. His eyes had a hard, flinty look to them that Tetra found suddenly uncomfortable.

 _Aggressive. Threatening. Like how Miss Creant sounded when she said she was being paid to off me._

Sneer turned way. "See you soon."

Tetra got up to leave as well. Linebeck, flustered, stared at her. "Where you going?"

"Out. Away from here," she said. "I don't know. The docks. I want to see these Rito that are spying on Harkinian."

Senza reached out for her arm. "Not on your own, you're n-"

. "Yes." Tetra pulled out of his reach. "On my own."

"But," said Linebeck, "I need to tell you about the Baron."

"Later," she said, striding off before Beck could say anymore.

* * *

It was late. Midnight, she supposed. It was certainly a lot cooler here at night. Tetra hugged herself as the sea breeze rolled in over the docks. The port was deserted now, the warehouses all locked. No sign of any Rito here.

Harkinian bobbed up and down on the gentle waves, but she felt no inkling to go check in. She just wanted to be on her own tonight.

The sea was nothing more than a black wedge set against the distant horizon now. A nearby lighthouse cut a bright path through the night that briefly caught a reflection of waves. The only sign that they were next to the coast was the sound. You could never ignore the sound, the whisper and sigh of the ocean, punctuated now and then by the familiar squawk of a gull. It soothed her. It had done from when she'd been a child.

Tetra jumped slightly at the sound of the door opening. She spun around, and found herself facing –

"Baron Von JoBo." She tried to steady her breath, but couldn't. She hated how nervous she suddenly felt.

He smiled, his eyes sparkling. Tetra felt entranced by them. It was weird. She wasn't the romantic type.

"Such a cold night for such a lovely lady," he said. "Wouldn't you like to be…warm?"

 _What's he mean by th-_

He took a step closer. Tetra swallowed.

The lighthouse caught something metal in its beam. Tetra looked up. Von JoBo noticed, and turned to see.

It was the Grand S.

He smiled, then leaned in so close that Tetra could feel his breath on her skin. She trembled.

"Would you like to take a closer look?" he said in a husky voice.

Tetra dropped her gaze to meet his. "Closer…?"

"Inside," he said, a slow smile spreading across his face. "I know a door."

Without realising it, Tetra began smiling back. "Sure," she said, her eyes not leaving his. She held out her hand. He took it. "Why not?"


	11. Sidequest

**11\. Sidequest**

Senza found himself dragged out from the inn into the cool, starlit street outside. "Link," he said, addressing his abductor. "What's all this about? What are you up to?"

"Something stupid."

The background buzz of the inn rose an octave as the door behind opened and someone slipped inside. A sign slowly creaked in the breeze above, proclaiming the name of the inn to be the _Marquis of Meta._

"Stupid?" asked Senza. His scalp began to crawl, a common sensation when conversing with Link. He tugged on his shirt to straighten it.

"Yeah." Link stared out into the distance with his hands on his hips. "Just wanted to get that out there before someone complains. We're going on a short detour to see how far we can push this concept before people get annoyed. This is going to get a little crazy."

Now Senza felt his temples begin to throb. "Stop speaking in riddles, lad."

"We're going on a little side quest, Senza," he said.

"Why?"

"The narrative needs to delay to build tension around Tetra," he replied.

Senza's face darkened. "Tetra," he said. "We should never have let her go by herself. Who knows what foul things could happen?"

"Take that thought and shove it, Senza my friend," Link replied. "That's how Team Tetra rolls, remember? The captain will be fine."

Senza sighed. He had to dodge another new customer who entered the inn. "Explain it to me, lad," he said. "Why are you always in such high spirits?"

Link spoke in a quiet, firm voice. "I trust the one who has the keys."

"Huh," said Senza with a frown. "I never took you for the spiritual type. Keys?"

"Keys on a keyboard, Senza," he replied, his voice wistful. "Keys on a keyboard."

Senza's slowly shook his fast-aching head. "Sometimes I worry about you, lad." Another person came off the street to enter the inn. "Lot of guests today."

"Tell me about it," said Link. "Have you seen the reviews for this thing? Guests all over the place." Before Senza could even reply to that, Link went on. "I found out about a place. An Uncrossable Swamp in that forest over yonder." He pointed to the dark, jagged tree line in the distance. "And you know what they say about something uncrossable, don't you?"

"Avoid it at all costs?"

"Exactly," said Link, grinning. "We cross it."

Senza knew better than to argue. "If you say so, lad," he said instead. "Lead the way."

Link nodded. He took off his hat, and pulled a lantern free. It was already lit.

They took the dusty path that led from the town into the forest beyond. Dried leaves crackled underfoot. The undergrowth here was swarming with hissing, slithering and croaking things, all unseen, even under the lantern light. Once in a while the beam from the lighthouse would sweep across the sky.

"You've gone all quiet, lad," said Senza.

"Waiting for the description to finish," Link replied. "Builds atmosphere."

Senza's cheeks puffed as he exhaled. Link was hard work most of the time, but ever since he'd had to re-do his first Smash, he'd become nigh-on impossible to deal with.

"Link," he said. "That night where you went to find the last Stone of Katomb. What exactly happened?"

Link surprised him by actually replying. "There was a woman there," he said. "I don't know who she was. But she showed me the world as it truly is."

"And what would that be?"

Link shook his head. "I like you, Senza," he said. "So I'm not going to say. Most people would go mad with the knowledge."

"But _you_ didn't?"

 _Debatable. But I have to ask._

"I wasn't meant to," Link replied in a soft, melancholy voice. "She thought I was worthy of the truth. I don't agree." He shook his head. "And our world isn't the only one, my friend. I saw them all. Every single world where things aren't really what they first appear."

He lapsed back into silence, and Senza knew he'd get no more out of him this night.

"Still," said Senza, mostly to himself. "This forest reminds me of my childhood. My Da used to take me camping to places like this. It was like the breath of -"

"No."

Senza looked up, puzzled. "Wh-"

"Don't say it."

"Wh-"

"Don't do it."

"Do what?"

" _Don't say it._ "

"The breath of the wild?"

Link winced. "You _said it!_ " he hissed. "Now I'm going to feel so insecure."

The ground shook lightly for a moment as the island's volcano rumbled. Leaves shivered. Flickering lantern light flashed over one of the gnarled tree-trunks lining the narrow path. Something caught Senza's eye.

"Hey, look at this," he said.

Link paused, then turned. "What is it?"

Senza gestured toward the tree. "We're not the first ones to pass by here," he replied. "People have left their mark already."

Link raised the lantern. The light revealed that the bark was covered with carved-out symbols, mostly names, and almost all romantic in nature.

"Here," said Link in a serious tone as he handed the lantern to Senza. "Hold this."

Senza did so. Link drew his sword and, tip of his tongue pressed out between his lips, he went to work. After a few minutes, he stepped back, and nodded in satisfaction.

"Let's go," he said, moving to rejoin the path as he slid his blade back into its boiled-leather scabbard.

Senza paused to raise the lantern closer to the tree. He heard Link muttering to himself.

"Breath of the wild," the boy said. "Doesn't even make sense."

Senza squinted to read what his companion had written. "Toon...Link...Rulez." He blinked in quick succession. " _What?_ "

"Hey, Senza!" Link called."Take a look!"

The older pirate hurried over to where Link was crouched behind some thick-leaved foliage. He peeked over the edge. The purple ooze of a swamp lay beyond. Blocking their path, though, were two men in armour and holding spears.

"Do your talking thing, Link," Senza suggested. "No need for violence here."

"Might work," Link replied. "You take point. I'll follow."

Senza nodded, then stood up, lantern in hand. The leaves rustled. He stepped out in front of the guards. They reacted instantly, dropping into a fighting stance, spears at the ready.

"Halt!" one of them snapped. "Identify yourself!"

Link sidled up behind Senza. He waved his hand. "You don't need him to identify himself."

One of the guards looked up, confused. "We don't need him to identify himself?"

Link waved again. "These aren't the droids you're looking for."

The guard's befuddlement deepened. "These aren't the droids we're looking for?"

"He can go about his business."

"He can go abo-" He shook his head quickly, snapping to attention. "No, he can't!"

Link and Senza leapt into action, taking one guard down each with a swift punch to the jaw.

Link rubbed his fist. "So much for no violence," he muttered. "Sometimes I think the narrative enjoys fight scenes a little too much."

"What," said Senza, "is a droid?"

Before Link could reply, the swamp ahead began to bubble and hiss wildly, spitting purple-coloured sludge. A tall, bearded man in grey, his features wrinkled, rose from the gloop. He pierced them both with a sharp glare, then raised the knotted-wood staff he had clutched in one hand.

"You shall not pass," he intoned in a deep voice.

Senza pulled his flintlock pistol free with one hand, his other dropping to the hilt of his cutlass. Contempt filled the old man's eyes. "Fly, you fools."

Link replied in a dark voice. "Not another word or I'll end you."

Silver eyebrows arched. "Are you threatening me?"

"I'm warning you, Merlin."

The old man looked flustered for a moment. "My name...isn't Merlin."

"Right, you asked for it." Link had his hat off and was rummaging about inside. Steel whispered as Senza drew his blade with his free hand and aimed his gun with the other.

"Your weapons are useless against me," the old man said haughtily. "Pistols. Swords. None will have any eff-" He stopped short. "What in the blazes is that?!"

Senza spun around toward Link. The Outset boy was crouched, having found something from his hat that was now resting on his shoulder.

"Link," said Senza, his voice taking on a slight tremble. "What is that thing?"

"This," said Link calmly, "is called a bazooka."

The old man looked nervous. Senza looked confused.

"Taste. Justice." Link pulled the trigger. Fire erupted from the rear of the cannon as a humongous roar shook every leaf in the forest. The old man yelled. Senza yelled. Something flew from the bazooka's tip and ploughed straight into the bearded fellow. A huge explosion followed, mushrooming up into the dark sky.

Senza's jaw dropped wide open as a burnt orange glow reflected off of his eyes. "Great...balls...of...fire..."

Bits of debris rained down around the two of them. Senza decided not to look too closely at the burning fragments. Flickers of flame lapsed into darkness in the night sky.

Link stood, then placed the smoking weapon back into his hat.

"So," croaked Senza in a tiny voice. "Are we crossing now?"

"Let's not," said Link. "I doubt there's anything worth finding. Just pushing the concept, remember?"

"But the old man. The swamp."

"What swamp?"

Senza turned back toward the location in question. Except now there was no swamp. No debris, either. All he could see were rows and rows of trees, swaying gently in the sea breeze.

"Another gift from the lady who made me see the truth," said Link. "I can bend the narrative." He thought about this for a moment. "Well. Sometimes."

Senza stared at the boy. Link had a sudden weird tint to him, like he was a painting flickering in and out of focus. Senza's head was pounding now.

"Hey," Link went on. "Let's head toward the Grand-S instead."

"The Grand-S?" said Senza. "Why?"

"I think Tetra might be about to step into a little trouble."

Senza froze. "What?!" he cried, instantly forgetting everything that had just transpired. "But you said -" His eyes fluttered as the memory slipped out of reach. "Let's move, lad! Damn it, will we even make it?"

"Doubt it," said Link.

"Why so?"

"Because this chapter's about to fini-"


	12. Magnificent

**12\. Magnificent**

The interior of the Grand-S was a warren of smooth, copper tunnels interspersed here and there with pipes that hissed steam whenever Tetra and the Baron passed by. Tetra looked around, impressed, but not wanting to show it. She was a captain, not a giddy little girl.

"I didn't realise they'd activated it," she said, her voice echoing.

The Baron smiled, but said nothing in reply. They walked past a battery of glistening black cannons. One particularly large one was segmented with gold rings. Von JoBo pointed this one out.

"I had that one installed myself," he said. "The biggest one here."

"Really," breathed Tetra. "It's magnificent."

"Yes." He turned to her, a gleam in his eye. "Would you...like to touch my big cannon?"

Tetra stopped short. "What?" she squeaked.

The Baron laughed and trotted ahead. Tetra hated herself for the way her cheeks were burning just then.

"Ah ha," Von JoBo said, stopping at a tall, steel-runged ladder. Tetra joined him and peered up. It reached up to the very top of the Grand-S. "Follow me."

She did. When Von JoBo reached the platform above, he leaned over and held out his hand for her. Tetra smiled.

 _Nice to meet a pirate with manners._

Tetra took his hand. He pulled her up, then suddenly drew her close. Tetra gasped.

Their eyes met. Baron spoke in a whisper. "Would you like to see the cockpit?"

Tetra's knees trembled. "Huh?"

"The cockpit," Von JoBo replied with a smile. "The control room to the Grand-S."

"Oh... Oh!" Flustered, she quickly cleared her throat. "Yeah. Of course."

"It's just here," he said as he let her go. "In the head."

They entered a door into a small room with two large, round windows, a huge chair, and brass-coloured levers and dials.

"Take a seat," said the Baron.

Tetra smiled as she sank into the cavernous chair. The pale blue windows directly ahead were the giant machine's eyeholes, she realised. She saw lights scattered like fairy dust all over the Tower Island village, saw steam drifting off the island's volcano and, finally, saw the faint gleam of dawn pushing back the night in the east.

Tetra glanced down. Metallic sleeves were pinned to each of the chair's armrests. She slipped her hands inside, quickly noticed the snug fit.

"You see," the Baron said softly. "Once the Grand-S is activated, the enchantments they've put in will allow you to _be_ the machine. You'll see what it sees, you'll walk as it walks, move as it moves." Von JoBo inhaled deeply. "You'll forget yourself. There will only be your mind and the Grand-S. A magnificent beast."

Tetra frowned. "Activated...?" she said as she withdrew her arms from the metal sleeves. "I thought it already was."

A new voice replied. "Not without the key."

Tetra spun out of the chair, every muscle tensed, and drew her pistol. The Baron stepped in front of her, face hard, his sword drawn in an instant.

 _Ugh,_ she thought as she craned her head to try and look past Von JoBo. _I take it back. Stuff your manners._

A trio of armed Rito faced them. Their dark eyes glittered. One of them was dressed in a royal-blue cloak - clearly the leader. He stepped forward.

" _You,_ " he said, staring directly at Tetra. "You are the one who has the key."

Tetra pulled the hammer of her pistol back with her thumb. It locked in with a crack. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said, voice heavy with menace.

"Keep away from her, you fiends," growled the Baron. "How did you three even get in here?"

"I can handle this," she snapped, then glanced at him and softened her tone. "But it's very sweet of you, anyway." Tetra turned her attention back to the Rito. "So you're the ones who have been trying to kill me."

The lead Rito hissed. "No," he said. "We need you. You have the key. The sacred key. Only royal blood can touch it."

Tetra aimed. "I'm getting _bored_."

Panic shone in the Rito's eyes. "You found a treasure chest, did you not?"

Tetra blinked, then looked up. "Go on."

"In it is the key," the Rito persisted. "Only you can touch it." He bowed his head. "Your Highness."

"Don't listen to him," said the Baron. "These are the beasts that killed my family. They're not to be trusted."

Tetra ignored him. "We couldn't open the chest."

Confusion rippled over the Rito's face. "You...couldn't...?"

"See!" said Von JoBo in triumph. "He was lying!" His face filled with dark malice. "Let's kill them."

"Wait!" The lead Rito threw up his arms. "We do not wish to kill you, Princess Zelda."

"It's _Tetra,_ " she snarled.

"But," the Rito went on regardless. "There _are_ those who wish to see you dead. They are building their own machine, and can't afford you to activate this one." He paused to take a breath. "They know that you will stop them. You are the princess, after all."

" _Who?_ " Tetra snapped. "And _who_ sent _you_?"

All three Rito stood up straight. "We'll take you to them," the leader said.

Tetra barked a laugh in response. "Whatever. I'm not idiot enough to go anywhere with you."

"A shame," the Rito said softly, his hand dropping to his sword. "Then we'll just have to make you." All three drew steel.

The air grew tense. Tetra wrapped a finger around her pistol's trigger.

The lead Rito spoke in a voice pregnant with foreboding. "Don't make us do this, princess."

Baron Von JoBo stepped closer to her. "My love," he said in a quiet voice. "I shall stay. My life for yours. You must flee."

Tetra stared at him, shocked. "You...what? You...mean...that...?"

She heard the sigh of steel slicing air. Tetra turned back toward their opponents. Her heart sped up. She tightened her grip around the pistol's grip.

Then, suddenly, a faint voice cut through the air.

"GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Slowly, they all turned toward the giant machine's eyeholes. The Rito, baffled, lowered their weapons. Tetra swallowed and peered through the glass.

A dot was fast approaching, growing larger and larger as it drew close. Tetra's eyes widened as she recognised what it was.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding m-"

"Down!" cried the Baron.

They hit the floor just as a _thump_ struck the glass. Tetra looked up.

A flattened Link stared back at her, his face squished up against the glass.

"What?!" the lead Rito squeaked. "What's going on? I'm so confused!"

Tetra replied in a low, level voice. "Welcome to Link-insanity."

The eyeglass shivered once, twice, then fell inward, Link in tow, and shattered as it met the floor, spraying sapphire shards in every direction.

Link rolled through the momentum, then sprung to his feet, glass slivers tumbling from his familiar green tunic. His boomerang was already in his hand. Seizing the distraction, Tetra swung up from the floor, pistol at the ready, and fired. The lead Rito ducked as the bullet zinged past him and hit the copper wall. Steam shot out instantly from the fresh hole.

"This is sacred space," the Rito leader screeched. "What is this violation?!"

"You got that right," said Link, his voice dark as glass crunched under the heels of his boots. "I'm here to violate you."

The Rito gaped. "...What...?"

Link threw his boomerang. It hit the Baron - who yelped rather girlishly before collapsing - careened off one of the copper walls in a spray of sparks, then zig-zagged through the air, hitting one Rito, then the next, and then deflected off another wall before taking down the Rito leader, all in lightning quick succession.

Tetra's eyes bulged as the spinning projectile then headed straight back toward her face. She ducked, yelling. Eyes scrunched up, Tetra heard the _thwack_ of wood hitting flesh.

She dared to crack open an eyelid. Link stood, boomerang nestled in his palm, face grave. "Justice sandwich," he said. " _Served._ "

Tetra slowly drew herself up to her full height and exhaled. She brushed glass off of her shirt. "Link."

He nodded once in reply. "Captain."

"Sooo..."

"Lovely night, hey?" He glanced back through the open eyehole, then froze. "Whoa. We are _high._ Is there even enough oxygen here? I think we should be told. _"_

Tetra sighed. "Should I even ask how you managed to propel yourself up here?"

"You should," Link replied as he turned back. "Because thereby hangs quite the epic tale."

"Later," she said. "Where's Senza?"

"He's waiting by the catapult that we made just now from fish bones, seaweed and a pair of -generously donated, I should add - old lady's undergarments."

Tetra blinked. She blinked again. She opened her mouth to ask, then thought better of it. Her jaw snapped shut.

 _No,_ Tetra decided. _I have to._

"Link," she said in a soft voice. "You're talking about the imp-"

"Ah!" Link said, holding up a finger.

"Bu-"

"No!" he retorted. His finger waggled. "Don't say it."

"Imp-"

"That word doesn't exist in the Team Tetra dictionary."

Tetra had had enough. "Some things _are_ impossible, Link!" she cried, throwing up her arms in disgust. "Like, _for example,_ it's impossible to survive being thrown through the air on a catapult made with dead fish and a granny's undergarments!"

"It is with that attitude." Link began looking around, nodding in approval. "So this is the inside of the Grand-S," he said. "C'est magnifique."

"Say what?"

"Magnifique."

Tetra decided, for the sake of her own sanity, not to follow up. Instead, she turned. "I want to question the-" Her words died as she surveyed the scene. "They've gone. The Rito have gone!"

Link looked down at his weapon. "They're immune to the boomerang," he said. "What a conveniently fiendish plot point."

Tetra shook her head quickly. "Never mind that now," she said. "Help me with the Baron. We're heading back to Harkinian. I need to see that treasure chest."


	13. Rupees

**13\. Rupees**

Tetra and Link met up with Senza and the three of them dragged the Baron's prone form through Tower Island Town. Cuccos crowed as the light began to brighten, and doors opened along the streets as the fishwives threw out the night's waste water.

"I haven't even slept," Tetra groaned as she ignored the stares of the townsfolk.

"None of us have," Senza replied, his tone dark. "Which is bad news."

Tetra's brows pricked up. "Why?"

"Milady," said Senza. "It's our Second Round Smash at this morning. All three of us against Team Sneer."

"Ugh," Tetra gurgled. "What?"

"We got the official word after you left the inn."

"Damn it." She inhaled. "I think Sneer's been recruited. By whoever's trying to knock me off."

Senza pressed his lips into a thin line. "That doesn't sound good. And we don't even have a strategy. All three of them are bigger than us."

"We're faster," Tetra countered. "More agile."

Senza looked unconvinced. "All it takes is one blow from a stronger opponent and all that speed and agility will count for nothing. What do we have then?"

"Skill and technique," said Link. "Trumps speed and strength."

Senza turned to him. "You going to…talk to them, lad?"

"Not this time," said Link. "I have something different planned."

Tetra didn't like the sound of that. She needed to know. "Like what? We're in this together, Link."

"Just trust me," Link replied with a smile. "After all, that one guest review said I was the greatest character in this story. Have to live up to expectations."

Tetra blinked, her eyes fluttering. "What…story?"

They rounded a corner to enter the docks – and stopped short. Tetra, her question forgotten, tensed up. Two of the Rito were guarding the entrance to the dockside. They eyed the pirates and the unconscious Baron with barely disguised suspicion.

"Rough night?" one of the guards said.

Tetra and Senza exchanged glances. The captain swallowed. "Yeah," she said. "Just taking him back to our ship. What of it?"

"Twenty rupees to access the docks," the other guard said.

"What?" Tetra snarled. "I was here last night and there was no –"

"Oh, you were, were you?" the first guard said. He threw a smug glance at his friend. "That'll be fifty rupees then."

Tetra seethed but held back. One thing seemed clear here – these two weren't with the Rito who had attacked them in the Grand-S.

"It's okay," said Link. "I know where to get some cash." He looked at the guards. "Mind if we leave our friend here?"

Tetra's heart fluttered. "Are you sure?" she hissed through clenched teeth. "How can we trust them?"

"Yeah, leave him," the guard said. "Better here than back there where the gawkers are."

Link smiled. "Brilliant," he said. "Thank you, No-Name Guards."

"I don't like this," Tetra said as they propped the Baron up against some crates.

"We'll be five minutes," said Link. "Follow me."

They did. Link headed back into town, stopped in front of a house, then trotted up some steps to the door. He tried the handle. It was unlocked.

Tetra's eyes widened in alarm. "Link!" she cried. "You can't just stroll into someone's hou-"

But he'd already gone in. With a shake of her head, and an exchange of looks with Senza – who could only shrug in response – she followed Link in.

A young woman sitting at a table looked up in surprise. She was pouring some tea. "Um…" she said, her eyes darting at each of them in turn. "Hello…?"

"Hey," said Link, looking around. A clock ticked in the background. "What's your name?"

"Um…Lara."

"Nice place."

Lara blinked. She put the teapot down. "Who…are you again?"

Link picked up a brightly-painted pot. "My name's Link." He held the pot up to better look at it. It caught the morning sunlight pouring in through one window. "What's this?"

"Oh!" the woman replied, blushing slightly. "It's my collection. I know it's silly." She shrugged self-consciously. "My house is full of them. I'd trade them all in for a Calatian Vase if I could. Those things are simply gorgeous. But, alas, this little collection is all I can afford." She took a sip of her tea. "So…why are you in my house again?"

Link threw the pot onto the floor. It shattered. Lara screamed.

"Link!" cried Tetra.

"You've gone too far now, lad," Senza growled.

"Ah ha!" said Link as he kicked aside the debris. "A green one!" He picked a rupee from the floor and pocketed it. He took another pot and hurled it against a wall. "Yessss! Result! Yellow!"

Lara fell to her knees, overcome by hysterics. Tetra and Senza watched in dumbfounded shock. Link went through the room, smashing all the pots he could find.

"Red!" Link cried. "I am on _fire_ today!"

 _Why,_ thought Tetra, _is there money hidden in every single pot?_

Link cackled in joy. Lara wailed in anguish.

Tetra slowly shook her head. "This is _so_ wrong."

* * *

Wrong or not, they got the rupees they needed. They left Baron Von JoBo in Harkinian with the rest of the crew just as the sound of bells rang out over the docks.

Tetra rubbed her gummy eyes and sighed. No chance for her now to check out the treasure chest.

It was time to fight.

The three of them walked past the expectant crowd onto the Smash battleground, silent except for the fluttering of pennants in the breeze. Tetra caught a glimpse of Linebeck watching with a pensive expression. She looked away. He'd wanted to tell her something about the Baron...

Captain Sneer and two of his men faced off against them. All three looked rested and ready.

Tetra and Senza, on the other hand, seemed weighed down by a lack of sleep. Link seemed his usual sprightly self. Tetra also couldn't keep her mind from replaying what the Rito had told her. She and the Grand-S were connected somehow…

But why…?

Something glistened on Sneer's hook. A quick glance told Tetra that the other two had the same stuff on their swords. Her mind snapped back to the present.

 _Poison!_ she thought. _All they need to do is scratch us!_

"Do you see...?" Tetra murmured from the corner of her mouth.

"I see," Senza whispered back. "Watch yourselves."

A muscle clenched in Tetra's chest. "Sneer," she warned as the sea-breeze fluttered through her hair. "What are you up to?"

The pirate feigned innocence. "I don't know what you mean, lass," he said. "I'm here to Smash. Are you?"

"We are –"

"And we're going to do it," Link cut in. "Without our weapons."

"We're –" Tetra spun toward him. "What?!"

"What?!" echoed Senza.

Link winked. "Trust me."

Tetra shook her head. "No!"

"Team Tetra," the referee called, "will _not_ be using their weapons!"

A bemused cheer rose from the crowd.

"Wait," said Tetra, watching helplessly as Link cast his sword and hat aside. "No." Some Rito rushed up to her to confiscate pistol and cutlass. They did the same to Senza. "Hello? Don't I get a say here?"

The referee dropped his raised palm. "FIGHT!"

Tetra and Senza took an instinctive step back as Team Sneer dropped into fighting stances.

"Been waiting for this for a long time," Captain Sneer growled. "At every turn you've thwarted me, woman. The bane of my existence. And now, not only do I get to end you, I get paid for it as well."

Tetra felt a slight tremor overtake her. They were sitting ducks here without their gear.

"Who paid you?" she said, her mind racing as she tried to distract their opponents. "And why?"

"You'll never know," said Sneer. "Here." He reached into the pocket of his dirty coat. "Have one on me."

He flicked a green rupee at Tetra. She swatted it aside in irritation.

Sneer turned to his men. "Lazy Lem, you take the boy out first."

The man called Lem grinned, revealing a mouth full of blackened stumps masquerading as teeth. His glistening muscles rippled as he stepped toward Link. "Come on, boy."

Link stood his ground. "One chance."

"Eh?"

"I'll give you one chance," said Link. "Give up now, and save yourself the pain."

Lem spluttered a laugh. "Funny," he said, grinning at his friends. "He's funny." Sneer and the other pirate grinned back. Len turned back toward Link. " _You_ give up."

"Last chance," said Link. "Forfeit the match."

"Or else what, boy?"

"Or else I'm going to take the text," he said. "And drop it on your head. Boom!"

Lem's swagger faltered for a heartbeat. "You're going to do what…?"

 _ **TAKE**_

 _ **THE**_

 _ **TEXT**_

 _ **AND**_

 _ **DROP**_

 _ **IT**_

 _ **ON**_

 _ **YOUR**_

 _ **HEAD.**_

 _ **BOOM!**_

As the dust cleared, Lem was left lying flat on his face, his sword hand twitching.

Tetra stared. "What…just… happened?"

She blinked rapidly – she _swore_ she just saw some spinning letters fading out of sight.

Confusion flickered over Sneer's face. "What's going on?" he spat. "What did you do to Len?"

Sneer and the other pirate shared a look of discomfort. They shifted uneasily on their feet.

"Old Bony-Knee," said Sneer. "You go get him."

Bony-Knee paused, then turned. "Why me? Why not you?"

"Just go!"

"Hey," said Link, deciding to directly approach Old Bony instead. "Can I ask you a question?"

Sneer swiftly moved out of Link's way. Old Bony shrank back and squeaked, "No!"

"Hey, that's alright," said Link. "I just needed the question mark to slip around your neck."

Link reached up and plucked something out of the air. The pirate's eyes bulged as the curve of the said item tugged his throat. He tried to gasp. His sword fell out of his hand. "Gahhh…"

"Ellipsis," said Link with a chuckle. "Open wiiiiiide. Those dots are going straight in."

Now the pirate's cheeks were bulging. Bony's face reddened. Tetra, Senza and Sneer all stared in incomprehensible shock. The pirate's eyes rolled back to white and, finally, he dropped to the ground, unconscious.

Sneer took a trembling breath. "Keep away," his voice shivered. "I don't know what you're doing, but keep away." He looked up at Tetra. "Stop this, lass! Stop it now!"

"I don't know what's happening," Tetra breathed. "I have no idea what's going on. Senza, do you have any idea what's going on?"

Senza just stared. "I think the lack of sleep is getting to me."

Sneer's eyes took on a feverish tint. "You won't get me," he gasped as he took a stumbling step backward. "Whatever magic you're using, it won't work." He raised his hook, poison dripping from the sharp tip.

"Heh," said Link. "Plot hole."

Sneer cast a fearful glance Link's way. "What…?"

"Two chapters ago, you met us at the inn and placed _both palms on the table."_ Link grinned. "You don't have two palms! I can't believe no one called the narrative out on that!"

Sneer lunged toward Link. "Die!"

"Double exclamation marks," said Link. "I'll take those."

He did, somersaulting over the sentence above to grab them. Spinning in mid-air, Link landed behind the pirate.

And then clubbed Captain Sneer around the head.

An eerie silence dropped over the whole battleground. Tetra gaped at Link. The Outset boy seemed to shimmer in and out of reality.

"Winners!" cried the referee. "Teeeeaaam TETRAAAA!"

The dust cleared again. The crowd stared. Tetra and Senza stared.

Link grinned.

A long, slow breath seeped out of Captain Tetra's pursed lips. "What. The. ****. Just. Happened?"

A look of discomfort crossed Link's face. "Tetra. Please," he said in a low voice. "This is only a K+ rated story."

* * *

Lara sniffed as she collected the last piece of her shattered collection. Her eyes were rimmed-red and her heart felt heavy. She'd never wanted much from life, just a small sliver of beauty and, as silly as it was, her collection of vases gave her exactly that.

Her chest heaved, lip trembling as she tried to stop herself from crying. Tears were pointless. She'd just have to save up and buy them all again. Of course, if she'd known all along that there were rupees hidden inside she could have had the money ready by now.

Someone knocked on her front door. Lara looked up.

 _Who could that be?_

She strode across the room, the hem of her long skirt collecting the remaining dust left from the broken pots, then opened the door.

Lara blinked in surprise.

A huge package was sitting there on her doorstop. Her heart quickened. From the shape of it, she knew exactly what it was, but she just couldn't believe it. She glanced both ways down the street.

The townsfolk went about their business without giving her a second look. No sign of who had left it here.

Lara gently pulled the package inside and tore off a piece of the outer wrapping. She gasped.

"Oh, gosh…" she said. "That's beautiful."

Lara went to work to free the huge, intricately painted Calatian Vase from its prison. Lara pressed a fist to her mouth. Her eyes caught sight of a small note fixed to the vase's rim. She pulled it free, then unfolded it. There was a message.

 _Sorry about the mess, Lara. Love, Link._

As tears of happiness filled Lara's eyes, she couldn't help but grin.


	14. Love

**14\. Love**

Sunlight crept in through the closed shutters as Tetra sat on the end of Baron Von JoBo's bed and watched him sleeping softly. Her hand clutched the damp cloth she'd been using to mop his brow.

She wondered at the churn of emotions within her. Tetra had never really cared about anyone or anything except for her ship and her crew. They were her family, her life. No one could come between them and her. Men had been attracted to her, sure, but she'd spent her entire life since her mother had vanished hardening her heart from such sentiment.

And now here it was – a chink had been discovered in her armour. Would she have to make room in her heart for someone else…?

It was a frightening thought. Frightening, and exciting.

Baron Von JobBo's eyes fluttered open. His sight focussed in on her, and a slow smile spread across his face.

"My...dear," he said.

"Hey," she replied, quickly hiding the used cloth.

He looked around slowly. "Where am I?"

"A cabin on my ship."

His smile grew. "You've been...taking care of me?"

Tetra smiled back, but didn't answer. Instead she said, "Those Rito escaped. Back on the Grand-S. Luckily, so did we."

"I'm glad." He sat up in the bed. "Don't you have a Smash today…?"

Tetra gave a dismissive wave. "Done. We won." She then added in a low voice, "Though I still have no idea how."

Tetra's attention was stolen by the intense look the Baron was giving her. Her heart squeezed. He leaned forward -

Then gasped as the bed suddenly closed in on him, sandwiching him in. Tetra jumped up.

"Harkinian," she barked. "Let him go."

"I don't like the way he's looking at you," the boat replied. "It's obscene."

" _Harkinian_."

Wood creaked as the bed slowly resumed its normal shape. The Baron, face flushed, inhaled noisily.

"I'm warning you," the ship whispered. "Only my wood is worthy."

" _HARKINIAN!"_

"Fine," he replied in a petulant voice. "I shall remain to chaperone."

"No," said Tetra in irritation. "Go away, boat. Don't listen in."

Tetra and the Baron waited for a reply. When none came, Von Jo Bo leaned forward again and took her hand. Tetra felt the warmth rise from her neck into her face.

"I know this may come as a little sudden," he said, his voice hoarse. "But my brush with death has made me realise the truth."

Tetra, her eyes locked with his, slowly sat back down on the bed. She heard the gentle lapping of the waves against Harkinian's hull. It was, as ever, soothing.

The Baron clutched her hand harder. "Don't leave me, Tetra," he gasped. "Do I care if I should die now if you go across the sea? Life without Tetra means nothing at all…"

"You're not dying," she said. "You just got bumped on the head."

"I know you feel it, too," the Baron went on as though she hadn't spoken. "Yes, you pretend your heart is stone, but it still trembles."

Tetra swallowed, but said nothing.

"Doesn't it, my darling?" Von JoBo asked. "Say it. Express your feelings."

Tetra opened her mouth. "I –"

A loud knock rattled the door. "Miss Zelda!" said Zuko. "Miss Zelda!"

She clenched her teeth. " _Tetra._ "

"Sorry, Miss Tetra," the young pirate replied. "Um…"

She craned her neck slightly toward the door. "What is it, Zuko?" she said in a softened voice.

"It's the treasure chest, Miss Tetra. We have it up on deck. And…it's open!"

Tetra and the Baron exchanged urgent glances. "Open how?"

"We don't know, Miss," said Zuko. "It just opened by itself."

"We'll be right there," Tetra replied.

* * *

"And all eyes on me."

Link knelt motionless in his bare cabin, watching the words swirl around him. Here he found his deepest peace, knowing with certainty that everything – that sound there, that movement here – was all scripted out, words chiselled from somewhere far beyond him. There was no chaos, even if that's how everyone else saw it. Their eyes were veiled, but reality was crystal clear to him, and it was piercing.

"Or or," he said. "They're illiterate and I'm not. No offence."

Link began scratching a random pattern into the wooden floor as a memory formed in his head. Gonzo had asked if he'd wanted to go on a bit of shore leave for some entertainment – the Rito had relaxed the rules on other crewmembers going ashore since the Second Round – but Link didn't need it.

Why would he, when the story was unfolding everywhere around him? Who needed entertaining, then?

Link looked up. "What's that you say?" he said in a soft voice. "I've been stealing the show too much?" He grinned. "Well, who the hell do you think I am?"

Link began to hum. "Fine, fine," he said quietly. "I'll fade into the background for a bit…"

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"Ha! Made ya scroll down!"

* * *

Leaving the cabin, Tetra and the Baron scooted up a ladder. Late afternoon sunlight kissed the deck, the wood warm even through Tetra's boots. The rest of the crew were already there, huddled around the treasure chest, its lid now wide open.

"Only an idiot would open it," she said. "Isn't that what was written on the chest?"

"Um," said Mako, pushing his goggles up. "Not anymore."

The captain frowned, then looked down at the inscription. "The time is now, Your Highness," she read.

Tetra drew herself upright again. "Hey," she said, looking around. "Where's Link…?"

As if on cue, Link trotted up on deck. He was singing to himself. "Do the impossible, see the invisible," he chanted quietly. "Row! Row! Fight the power!"

They watched as he came to stand beside the Baron. He seemed oblivious to all and sundry, his hair flopping this way and that in the breeze. "Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable. Row! Row! Fight the power."

Tetra just shook her head. She peered into the chest. A small, flat silver disk sat within. She flicked a glance up at Senza. "This the key…?"

He shrugged. "We think so."

Tentatively, she reached out for it –

When Baron Von JoBo suddenly grabbed Link by his neck. Steel flashed in his free hand. Metal rattled as the crew instantly went for their weapons, but Tetra threw up her palm to stop them mid-draw.

"Ha!" the Baron snarled, holding the edge of the dagger to Link's throat. His eyes flicked from one pirate to the other before finally settling on Tetra. "Now, _dear,_ you're going to help me. Help me get my revenge on the Rito. You're going to take that key and use the Grand-S to do my bidding."

He locked gazes with her. Tetra's eyes were wide. "Aww," he said. "Heartbroken now, are you? You were _so_ easy. I know how you women think. You'll be torn, your life meaningless, you'll vow never to love again. And, most importantly, you'll do what I want because you won't be able to bear hurting m-"

Tetra flipped her pistol out from her holster and fired. The Baron went staggering back, the dagger dropping to the deck with a clatter. Link slipped out of the way as the Baron backed-up against the ship's rail.

"I am reaching…" the Baron gasped. "But I fall…" He tumbled over the side. A second later they all heard a loud splash.

"You good, Link?" she said.

"Uh-huh," Link croaked. He rubbed his reddened throat.

Tetra turned away, spinning on one heel, the barrel of her gun still smoking. "Boys," she said. "Bring me that key."


	15. Complaint

**15\. Complaint**

Tetra, Senza and Link stood in front of a small, two-storey house in one of the town's narrow, crooked and cobbled streets. The silver form of the Grand-S loomed in the distance. Tetra looked from the giant machine back to the building in front.

"This is it," she said. Her hand was in her pocket, rolling the circular key around and around her fingers. "I heard the Rito set this place up for any pirate that wanted to lodge a complaint during the Smash."

"Must've found that nugget of info off-screen," Link mumbled. "Or is it off-page?"

Tetra ignored him. "We're all going in. One of us should be able to get access to one of the higher-ups here." She was tired of waiting, and the final of the Smash was too long away. "And then we get answers."

"Technically, though," Link went on, mostly to himself. "Most people _are_ reading this on a screen…"

Senza took Tetra by the arm. "Are you sure about this, Milady?" he said. "I mean, are you alright? I know you had some…sentiment toward the Baron. Maybe you should –"

She snatched her arm away. "I'm fine."

" _But,_ " said Link. "It's written on a page. Even if it's not a paper one. Then again, some of them might print it out…"

Tetra took a deep breath. "Let's go, boys."

She pushed open the double-doors and was met with a cacophony of noise and colour. Clocks ticked, bells rang, and people shouted.

It was busier than she'd expected. A _lot_ busier.

Pirates weren't really the type to make complaints, and especially not to people in authority. But here they were in all shapes and sizes, voices raised, scowling, grinning.

There were rows of small wooden desks, each staffed by a female Rito wearing spectacles. All except one, where a young human girl dressed in red with black polka dots sat smiling. A placard on her table read 'For Non-Hylian Speakers.'

"Bonjour!" the girl said, waving as she spotted Tetra.

"Uh," the pirate captain replied. "No...?"

The girl shrugged. "Okay!" She seemed to have taken an instant shine to Link, though. She smiled as he passed, and said, "Bye bye, petit papillon."

"Link," said Tetra out of the corner of her mouth. "Stop flirting. That's an order."

"What..." Link gaped. "I did nothing!"

Tetra rolled her eyes. "Right..."

They walked slowly past another desk. A lady pirate was remonstrating angrily, jabbing a finger toward an implacable Rito woman.

"This horse," the lady pirate spat, "is a dud. It just does its own thing. Like it lives in a world of its own. Ol' Spike sold it to me. I want me money back."

The Rito clerk was unimpressed. "I hardly see how that's related to the tournament."

"It happened during the Smash," the lady pirate shot back. "So I'm holding you responsible."

The Rito craned her neck to take a closer look at the animal. "The mare looks fine to me."

Tetra looked as well. It was more a pony than a horse. A pink one. With huge oval eyes. And balloons painted near its flank.

 _Weird._

She turned away. "Hey, look lively," she said, scanning the large room. "There's a few tables free. Grab 'em and get to work."

As the two men split away from her, Tetra made for an unoccupied table straight in front. Her eyes were drawn to a spiralling staircase at the back of the room. She didn't know why, but she felt certain that the answers she sought would be up there. Rito guards patrolled the foot of the stairs, though.

 _Going to have to do this the straight and narrow way._

Tetra stopped in front of the desk. The elderly Rito woman peered up at her.

"Complaint?"

"Yes, ma'am," Tetra replied.

The woman picked up a feathered quill with a flourish, then dipped it in an inkpot. She unfurled some parchment, then waited, ready. "Nature of grievance?"

Tetra slipped into the chair opposite. "Attempted murder."

 _Senza_

"Young man," the Rito lady said as Senza sat down. "You have a complaint?"

"Um…" His mind went blank. Clearly, he hadn't thought this through hard enough. "Sure."

The unsmiling Rito blinked. "Yes…?"

"I have something," said Senza. This was embarrassing. He was known for his silver tongue and here he was, completely at a loss for words.

The lady cocked her head. " _Yes?"_

"I have…a complaint."

The Rito closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

 _Tetra_

"That's quite the accusation, miss," the Rito clerk said sternly. "This happened during the tournament?"

Tetra nodded. "It happened during two of my Smashes," she explained. "First with Miss Creant. Then with Team Sneer."

The woman flicked through some documents on her desk. "Team Tetra, is it not?" she said. When Tetra nodded in affirmation, she continued. "I recall you and your team won both those matches."

"Yeah."

"So…you believe your opponents were trying to kill you?"

"Uh huh."

The clerk laid down the quill and folded her palms on the table. "Do you have any proof…?"

Tetra inhaled. That was the problem, wasn't it?

"Well-"

She was cut off by another Rito coming down the stairs and running up to the table. The newcomer bent over and whispered something in the clerk's ear.

Tetra frowned, confused.

 _Link_

Link sat himself in the chair, then lifted his legs up to rest on the table. The Rito girl at the desk frowned in disapproval.

"Yes?" she said.

"I'd like to make a complaint," Link replied. "And it's one that I've been holding in for a _long_ time, let me tell you."

The girl picked up her quill. "Go ahead."

"Well, it's like this," said Link. "You see the summary that goes with this story? At the bottom, yeah, there's a list of characters involved in the narrative. You see it, right?"

The girl looked up and blinked. "No."

"Well in this case," he went on, "there's only name: Tetra. _Tetra._ " He shook his head. "I mean, can you believe it? After all the things I go through in her name – well, Zelda's name, really – and I don't even get top billing. I'm just aghast. This is just completely unacceptable."

The Rito slowly sat up straight and put down her pen. "Sir," she said. "I don't really have time to listen to your woes."

"I'm not asking for much, you know?" Link said. "I mean, I let them call the whole _series_ after Zelda even though it's _me_ risking my neck out there each and every time. Does anyone protest this injustice? Does anyone care? No. All I hear is people wanting to know if me and Zelda are going to get it on in the next one. I ask you – has this series ever been portrayed as a love story? No. So, tell me, why are most stories in this section a romance?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Link's eyes narrowed. " _Sure_ you don't," he said, his voice taking on an edge. He pointed two fingers at his own eyes, then turned his hand to point the fingers at hers. Back and forth his fingers went. "I'm watching you."

"Right…"

"I liked it better when they thought we were brother and sister," Link muttered. "Then again, you'll get _someone_ writing us like the Lannister twins. Sick freaks."

The girl cleared her throat. "I don't believe this…whatever it is…is tournament related, sir."

"Sort it out, please," said Link. "Change it so that Link is the star. I'm not going anywhere until you do. In fact, I'm going to sing."

 _Senza_

The Rito lady peered over her glasses, her arms folded. "Young man," she said in a voice that was bursting at the seams with impatience. "Do you have a complaint or not?"

"I do," Senza replied, fumbling.

"Well?"

"I just haven't thought of it yet."

 _Link_

The Rito girl watched, unamused, her chin resting on one palm, her other hand tapping impatiently on the table as Link sang.

"Link's-the-staaaar. He's-a-man – PUNCH! Wears-a-green-hat!"

 _Tetra_

The clerk gave Tetra a sweet smile as the messenger walked off. "We'll take your complaint on board, Miss Tetra," she said.

Tetra blinked in surprise. "You will?"

The woman's smile remained fixed in place. She swept out her arm as she swung her legs out from under the table. "If you'd kindly follow me up the stairs."

"Uh," said Tetra. She wasn't expecting it to be this easy. "Can I bring my friends?"

 _Link_

"Link's-the-staaar. He-has-a-boom-er-ang. Where'd-he-purchase-that?!"

 _All_

The three of them followed the clerk up the stairs. Tetra's heart was pounding. She didn't even know why she was so nervous. Her fingers grasped the silver disk in her pocket so hard that it was slicked wet with her sweat.

The clerk stopped at the top in front of a pair of ornately carved double-doors draped in purple silk.

"In here, miss," the Rito said before leaving them.

Tetra and Senza exchanged looks.

"Watch yourself," he said. "Both of you."

"All of us," Tetra replied quietly. She steadied her breathing and pushed open the varnished door.

Inside they were faced with a human woman dressed in a long gown. Her hair was streaked silver.

"Hey…" said Link. "You're her. The woman who gave me the secret."

Senza was staring. His jaw worked, but he couldn't form a coherent sentence. "That…you're…no…"

But the woman wasn't paying attention to either of them. Instead, she looked directly at their captain, and smiled.

"Hello, Tetra."

Shock washed over her. Tetra recognised the woman instantly. She was older, sure, but she'd never forgotten that face. Never would.

"Mother."


	16. Mushrooms

**16\. Mushrooms**

Tetra couldn't keep her eyes off of her mother. The richly gowned older woman walked through a curtain of tiny, stringed bells that tinkled as they all passed through into the corridor beyond. Tetra felt on edge, as though her entire being was poised, ready to snap at the slightest provocation.

She remembered the stormy night over a decade ago as the ship was rocked to and fro by angry waves and pelted with jagged bolts of lightning straight from the churning heavens. That was the night when her mother – the true captain of the ship now known as _The Harkinian_ – had fallen overboard.

They'd searched, of course. Oh, how they had searched. In the end the heartbroken crew had declared it all futile. Lost at sea was the final verdict. Tetra remembered clinging to Gonzo as she'd wept bitter tears. That was the last time she'd ever really cried.

The crew had made Tetra the captain, even though she was just ten-years-old at the time, all out of the respect they'd had for her mother. A couple of years later, they'd met Link. She'd never looked back since.

And now here her mother was, back from the dead. Tetra watched her like a cat watching a mouse hole. She was still trim, with angled eyebrows and fading reddish-brown hair that just highlighted the silver developing there.

The hem of her mother's gown trailed behind her as she led the three of them into a large circular room ornamented with gold and silver. The windows were all shuttered, but a buzzing lantern bathed them in light. Scented candles added to the illumination, the flames flickering as Tetra's mother came to a stop and turned to face them. She looked at each pirate in turn.

Senza stood in front of his old captain. Tetra waited for her mother to speak.

Link had gone wandering off, deciding instead to explore all the furnishings in the room. That irritated Tetra. She wished he could just pay attenti-

 _Hey. How you all doing? It's me, Link. And I am paying attention, actually._

Her mother began to speak, but Tetra was quick to cut her off. "Where have you _been_?" Her hands balled into fists unconsciously. "I thought you were dead!"

"We all did," said Senza in a subdued voice. "Ma'am."

 _Yeah, so I just thought I'd insert myself into the narrative for a bit. Like a self-insert. Get it…? No…?_

 _Wow. Tough crowd._

"I…" Her mother swallowed as she searched for the right words. "You had to follow in my footsteps, Tetra. Follow in my name. The _Zelda_ name. And you had to learn to become independent –"

Tetra hissed. "By leaving me all _alone_?"

 _Wait. So the lady's name is Zelda. And Tetra's name is Zelda. Who else is Zelda? What if…what if I'm Zelda? What if we're all Zelda?!_

 _My head. It hurts._

"You weren't alone," the elder Zelda replied. "You were never alone. I trusted my crew to take care of you. To guide you. And look at you now, all grown up." She spread out her arms. "No hug?"

Tetra's glare burned. "No."

 _Wow. Cold._

The elder Zelda dropped her arms. "And you, Senza? Are you angry, too?"

Senza bowed his head. "No, it's just…" He wore a troubled expression.

"Do you need to get something off your chest?"

 _Is it his shirt? Please say no._

"It's just…" said Senza. "What happened, Ma'am?"

The former pirate captain smiled. "I fell in love."

Tetra rolled her eyes. "Oh, _please._ "

"I was waiting for the storm," the elder Zelda said. "I steered the ship toward it. You remember, Senza?"

He nodded. "We trusted you."

"You did," she replied. "I'm sorry. But I always planned to go overboard. I knew you, my loyal crew, wouldn't let me go without a fight. This was the only way. There was a boat waiting for me. Do you remember Donald?"

 _The duck?_

"Yeah," said Senza. "He used to run messages for us."

 _Oh._

"He helped me," said the old captain. "Took me to Linebeck's shi-"

"Linebeck?" Tetra cried, eyes widening. _"Linebeck?!_ He's known all along?!"

"Don't be hard on him, darling," she said. "He made a vow never to tell…if he ever came across you. Which he did."

 _Small world._

"A vow…?"

"Well…after I'd paid him, of course."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Tetra spat.

 _She spits. She hisses. What does the narrative think she is? A rattlesnake?_

"So who was the oh-so-special man who made you _abandon_ your only child, huh?"

A melancholic look flickered over Zelda's face, though her smile stayed in place. "His name was Mario."

 _Hmm._

"He came from some far-off land."

 _Hmm…_

"I loved his accent."

 _No..._

"Even though he was a little short."

 _No way._

"And a bit pudgy."

 _No. Way._

"Mario?" Tetra snorted. "What kind of name is that?"

 _Not Mario. Anyone but Mario._

"It's quite common in his land," her mother replied. "He spoke of his home with great fondness, though he knew returning there was nothing more than a _pipe_ dream."

 _NNNNNNNN! I am not sharing this story with other flagship characters._

 _Wait. WAIT. How long did she know this Mario? Does that mean Tetra's father is…?_

' _Hi Tetra. Who's your father?'_

' _It's a-me! Mario!'_

 _NO. WAY._

"Hey," Link blurted out loud. They all turned toward him. "Did he have a moustache? This Mario…?"

Tetra frowned. The elder Zelda shrugged. "He didn't, no," she said.

"Did he like mushrooms?"

"Link," said Tetra, her voice laced with warning. "What are you babbling on about now?"

"No, Link," said the elder Zelda. "I don't recall that he did."

Link let out a long breath that he didn't realise he'd been holding in. "Good, good," he said softly. "You all carry on now."

"Though," the elder Zelda went on with a twinkle in her eye. "He was partial to a bit of peach."

Link froze.

"And I did think of him as my… _super_ Mario."

 _Don't test me, woman!_

"Shut up, both of you!" Tetra spat.

 _Mental note: Have an umbrella handy when speaking to the captain._

 _Second mental note: Running low on mental ink. Pick some up from the mental store._

"Why now, mother? Why have you returned? Happily ever after not good enough…?"

Pain flashed in the elder Zelda's eyes. "No," she said, her voice becoming thick. "Mario's…gone now."

Tetra swallowed "Gone…?"

"Yes. Gone."

 _Goomba'd._

Tetra's voice softened. "I'm…I'm sorry."

The elder Zelda waved away her words. "It was a long time ago," she said. "Never mind it now." She took in a quick breath. "Yes. Why am I here?"

"And why are you trying to kill me?"

 _Because you might be the demonic spawn of a Mario, that's why._

The elder Zelda woman jerked as though she'd been slapped. "Kill you…?" she gasped. "No, no, no, my darling. That's wasn't me."

Tetra's eyes thinned. "Then…who?"

"Let me explain," said her mother. "I discovered something in my many travels. Here, under the volcano of this island is a race of beings. Beings made of living fire. They can't leave this place, and it – literally – burns them up inside. So, they're constructing a giant machine with the little supplies that they have – the Negative-S - one that will allow them to travel the length and breadth of the land and wreak havoc. Without it, they'd just flicker out."

 _Exposition. Getting sleepy. Need. Pillow._

The elder Zelda took a quick breath. "I used my… _resources_ to design a machine of my own."

"The Grand-S," said Tetra.

Her mother nodded. "I organised the Pirate Smash, Tetra. The Grand-S isn't as strong as their machine. It can only work on this island."

 _That's awfully convenient._

"I needed help to build it – so I came up with the idea of the Smash. The Rito…for some reason, they like that kind of thing. They helped me build the S while I let them organise the tournament. Time is short, though. The Negative-S is almost complete itself. Like I said, they've hidden it somewhere beneath the volcano."

 _It's a robot in disguise…_

"The Rito," said Tetra, "are working for you, then."

Her mother nodded again. "Three of them met you on the S, didn't they? They were going to bring you to me. They were just a bit too…forward."

"But what's all this got to do with me?" said Tetra.

"The Negative-S only became active when the princess of the Flame People used the machine's key. It's…that kind of magic. In the same way, the Grand-S will only awaken at your touch. Royal blood. That's what will power the gigawatts needed for the Grand-S."

 _What the hell is a gigawatt?_

"The Flame People know about you, Tetra. They've been using middlemen to hire pirates to have you killed."

 _This is why I hate getting flamed._

"You have Royal blood," Tetra countered. "Why not you?"

The elder Zelda flicked a glance at Link, then back at Tetra. "Because this is your story, darling." She reached out her hand. After a moment's hesitation, Tetra took it. "Will you do this? Will you help save the world?"

 _No pressure, then._

Tetra's eyes glistened. "Where will you be…?"

"I'll be waiting," the elder Zelda whispered. "I promise."

Tetra stared at her hard. Doubt flickered in her eyes.

 _Don't even dare, mon capitaine._

"Save the world?" said Link out loud. "She will. We all will."

His eyes locked with Tetra's as she turned to face him. She held his gaze, then smiled. "Because that's how Team Tetra roll…?"

Link grinned. "Exactly."

"Come on, boys," said Tetra, letting go of her mother's hand. "Let's crank that machine up and head to the volcano."

The elder Zelda smiled. She turned to Senza and threw him a stiff salute. "You have your orders, sailor."

Senza grinned. "Aye, aye, captain."

As Senza and Tetra turned to leave, the elder Zelda spoke again. "Be warned," she said. "The influence of the Flame People is spreading. I think even some of my Rito have fallen under their sway." She shifted her attention. "Link," she said. "A word, if you will."

They waited until Tetra and Senza had left the room, then Link approached the former pirate captain.

"So," he said.

"So," she replied, smiling.

"Neither of them noticed that you already knew my name."

"You're not the only one who can nudge the narrative," the elder Zelda said. "How are you finding my gift?"

Link smiled. "It's…amazing."

"I'm glad you think so," she replied with a smile of her own. "You still have a part to play in all this, Link. Look after her, won't you?"

Link cleared his throat. "Always."

The elder Zelda nodded knowingly. "We may be fiction, but we can still die all the same."

"K."

"Oh, and by the way," she said. "It wasn't _that_ Mario."

Link breathed in relief. "Phew."

"Though," she added, the wicked smile on her face making Link freeze. "Under the covers, he was a bit…"

"What?" he squeaked.

She bit her lower lip. "Well…he was a bit…"

"Nnnn!"

"A bit…"

"NNNNN!"

" _Sonic._ "

" _N000000000000000000000."_


	17. Roll

**17\. Roll**

Tetra strode with down the street with purposeful steps, leaving her mother and the House of Complaints behind her. Senza and Link left her alone with her thoughts. Good thing, too. She really didn't feel like talking. Sure, she'd go find the Grand-S, crank in the key, and see what the heck was under the volcano - but only because the alternative was to do a pirate raid, which was her go-to method of stress relief.

And despite leaving her mother on good terms, stress was the best word for it. Tetra had been dumped by her own mother because of some...what? Toy boy? Crew abandoned, daughter left adrift - suddenly Tetra remembered why she'd felt so much anger. She had half a mind to turn on her heels and drag more answers out of mother dearest.

Tetra sighed. But she wouldn't. Because she was -

"Hard on the outside," said Link. "All heart within."

Tetra flicked an odd look his way. It was almost like he was reading her -

Bells rang from the Smash battleground. Tetra and her two companions came to a stop.

"We're not on today, are we?" she asked.

Senza shook his head. "No, Milady," he said. "But I think Linebeck is."

"That'd be one to see," she said, voice wistful. "Plus I want to give him a good throttling. He knew about my mother."

"And the Baron," said Link.

"And the Baron," Tetra agreed.

"But you didn't listen to him about that."

Tetra pursed her lips. _Sometimes,_ she thought, _I don't get nearly enough respect as I should being ship's captain._

"We have enough answers now," said Senza. "Let's get on with our job."

"Do we?" said Link. "Do we really?"

Senza shrugged. "What else do we need to know?"

"Am I the only one concerned about the _giant squid_ that was living in the tower of Tower Island?" said Link. "It's like...it's like the narrative has no clue how to explain that one. That is poor form, my friends. If it wasn't being done for free, I'd advise some firings right about now, let me tell you."

Tower Island shook. Shouts and cries racked the air. All eyes turned toward the volcano.

Another tremor took hold. Glass shattered. Children began to cry. Tetra and her friends grabbed onto each other to keep their footing. She looked up at the volcano again.

The volcano belched thick, black smoke. Magma glowed as it spilled out over the lip of the crater. Fireballs spat from the dark cloud hovering above the mountain. Townsfolk screamed as the fiery projectiles zeroed in on them.

"It's the Flame People," Tetra said with an odd certainty. "It's started."

A fireball ploughed into a building, exploding in flame and smoke. Another struck, shattering wood that caught quickly alight. Townsfolk scattered, screaming. Some started pointing toward the volcano.

Tetra looked yet again. And her mouth went dry. "The lava," she murmured. "It's spilling this way." She threw up her arms, flinching as another building was consumed. Hot splinters spat down on her. Fire began to pop and splutter all around the town. Smoke drifted out across the sea.

"We have to help these people," said Tetra.

"What can we do?!" Senza cried. "This is chaos. We can't do anything!"

Link stepped forward. "Those words should never sit on our tongues, Senza," he said in a deathly serious voice.

"Lad!" Senza gasped. "We're being pelted by fireballs. There's lava coming to swallow everything. This is hopeless - impossible."

"Then _think_ the impossible." He turned quickly to his captain. Link's eyes met Tetra's. His next words were tinged with sadness. "Remember how we roll."

Tetra's eye twitched. Without another word, Link burst into a sprint and headed towards the docks.

"Link!" she cried, her hand grasping at thin air - but he was already out of sight. Her outstretched hand slowly curled into a fist. "Damn it!"

A scream from above made her snap her head up. It was a child - a young boy - face streaked with tears as he called for help from an upper-storey room of a house quickly filling with smoke.

Determination made her grit her teeth. "Come on, Senza."

She moved, but Senza suddenly clutched her sleeve. Anger striking like flint within, Tetra spun around to face him. "What -"

"Your mother," he said. "Her first."

Tetra looked back toward the House of Complaints. Panicked Rito were spilling onto the streets as flame licked the outer walls. There was no sign of her mother. She hesitated -

Then heard the child cry again.

"You go," she said. "I'll handle this."

"But -"

"That's an order!"

* * *

Link stood alone on the docks. Ships bobbed on the sea behind, an oddly gentle movement in contrast to what was unfolding up ahead. The sky was smeared orange and smudged black with smoke. Fireballs burned trails through the air like comets. He turned toward the sea, the town at his back, and slowly took his hat off from his head.

As he reached in, he sang again, a little chant. "Just break the roof," he whispered."And you'll see the truth."

Link pulled a red and white sphere out. Clutching it, he brought it to his lips, and whispered something so quietly that the word was stolen by the breeze. He then drew back his arm and threw, shouting, "I choose you!"

The sphere cracked open in a flash of light. A giant, blue turtle-like dragon soared into the air and roared. A huge cannon emerged from its shell, whirring and clanking as it locked into place, accompanied by two small ones on either side. Sunlight caught the creature and lined it in gold.

Link stepped forward and cupped his mouth. "USE HYDRO PUMP!"

Triple streams of water burst out from the cannons - and headed straight for the docks.

Link's eyes widened. "Uh-oh."

It was too late. The water caught him and hurled him into the air. Defying gravity, the wave flew over the town, then dipped down toward the mountainside where the lava flow was making its slow, slow descent.

Link grit his teeth against the forces pulling at his body as he was tossed this way and that. His eyes watered. Only by forcing open an eyelid was he able to see his destination.

Link forced his juddering mouth into an awkward smile. "Well...that's just...how...I...r-"

* * *

Her lungs burned. Tetra coughed and spluttered, her nose and mouth choked with ash as he dragged the little boy out into the street. A quick look-over told her that the child, though unconscious, was still breathing.

Tetra fell to her knees and heaved, palms planted firmly into the ground. Her head spun. Her clothes were blackened and sported fresh holes that still gave off wisps of smoke.

Something cold and wet dropped onto her hands. She frowned.

 _Rain...? What...?_

More drops fell, spattering the ground, and hissing wherever they found fire. Tetra looked up. Her eyes bulged. She shakily drew herself back to her feet.

The massive wave cast a shadow over the town as it curved overhead. "That's -"

 _Impossible,_ she finished in her head. _Just like how Link rolls._

Link...

Tetra looked up again. She squinted. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Link."

There he was at the tip of the tidal wave as it plummeted toward the lava pouring down the mountainside. Her jaw dropped open.

"Link!"

The wave crashed into the hot lava.

"LINK!"

She lost sight of him. Steam mushroomed into the air. A hot mist dropped over the whole of Tower Island like a shroud. Tetra threw her arm up to protect her eyes. The steam hissed.

Tetra slowly lowered her arm as the mist began to dissipate. Sweat sprung up on her brow. She blinked once, twice. In the distance she saw that the lava flow had been halted, its glow slowly starting to fade.

She swallowed and took a hesitant step forward.

"Link...?"


	18. Serious

**18\. Serious**

The fireballs had stopped. The lava had halted. The volcano had settled.

But Captain Tetra of the _Harkinian_ no longer cared.

"He's gone," she breathed. "Link's gone."

She began to climb the slope of the volcano as tendrils of misty steam continued to rise slowly from under her boots. The ground was still slicked wet from the impossible tidal wave. Small stones and debris trickled down past her. Frantic, her eyes searched the now cool, hardened lava flow.

"Gone."

Her vision blurred. Her eyes stung. She reached a hand up to her face, then brought it away.

 _What the heck…? Tears…?_

It was just the heat of the island. It had to be. Tetra had left tears back a long, long time ago.

A yawning chasm then opened in the pit of her heart and she knew for sure it had nothing to do with the temperature. The depth of feeling surprised her. Had Link really meant that much to her…?

 _And have I only just realised too late…?_

"Damn it, Link." She blinked away the tears and continued to search. At the very least, she could find his –

Tetra shook her head. She couldn't even think it.

Instead, she thought back to how they'd first met Link back on Outset Island, desperate to find his sister and armed only with a sword and battered wooden shield. She'd teased him. Something about splinters making him cry. He'd been resolute, though, and she'd been secretly impressed.

The young pirate captain looked back towards the town. Smoke rose from wrecked and blackened buildings, and she could still see the townsfolk as they wandered through the streets, utterly shell-shocked.

 _It all got so serious so quickly._

She hoped Senza had found her mother. That would, at least, be something.

Tetra turned back to stare up the face of the volcano. The air shimmered near the crater at the peak. Sparks of lava vomited into the air. There was no way she could get up there. Her eyes fell upon a pile of rocks nearby.

 _I could make a marker like that. Just so people know where he fell._

Her shoulders slumped at the finality of it all. She wouldn't find him. It was hopeless. Completely hope-

"NO WAY!" shouted Link as he burst out from the pile of rocks.

" _AAAAAH!"_ Tetra screamed, stumbling back. Her terror quickly morphed into fury. "Link!" she snarled. "What the heck?!"

Link – his clothes and hat slightly singed, but otherwise appearing completely unharmed – wagged a finger her way. "You were going to give up," he chided. "You forgot how we roll."

She bared her teeth. "You made me-" She blinked, her brain finally catching up to her eyes. "You're alive!"

Tetra stepped forward and caught Link up in a fierce hug.

"Air…" Link croaked, his eyes bulging. "Lungs…failing…"

She released him. Her eyes searched his face. "How…?"

"It's happened before," Link muttered. "Kill Link off, then bring him back. It's like this writer's gimmick. Fresh out of ideas if you ask me.'

"What?"

Link stepped away, then swept out his arm, pointing. "I was caught by that."

Tetra squinted. There, jutting out from the side of the mountain, was a huge metallic hand painted in a shade of equally metallic orange. Boulders sat in its outstretched palm.

 _The Negative-S…_

"How'd I not see that before?" she said.

"You weren't meant to," Link replied in a quiet voice. "Not until this very moment."

"We have to get to the Grand-S."

"Let's go, babe."

Captain Tetra paused, eyes thinning, eyebrow arched. "…'Babe?'…" she said.

The volcano shook again. Rocks tumbled down the mountainside again, spilling past their boots. Tetra planted her feet firmly as she waited for the eruption.

 _No,_ she realised. _It's not the volcano._

It was the Negative-S. The metal hand was slowly beginning to close.

"This is it," Tetra murmured. "The endgame."

"Already?" Link replied, frowning. "But we've barely even reached 30,000 words. No wonder that one review said the chapters were too short."

The giant hand slammed shut, the boulders within shattering. Debris flew out from between the gaps in the Negative-S's fingers, splinters of rock that flew straight towards –

One chunk hit Link on the head. He collapsed, unconscious in an instant. Tetra looked up.

And fell into darkness when a rock struck between the eyes.

* * *

Link stirred. Mist swirled around him. He knew where he was. It was the Dreamworld, that place where fiction and reality met. He opened his eyes fully.

It was dark. He was on a stage, a podium set in front of him. Beyond that were a crowd of seated people, cast in shadow as they murmured in expectation.

Link wasn't alone. Sitting in the chairs around him were other Links. There was Ocarina Link, stern-faced and scowling. Twilight Link prowled around the chair legs in his Wolf form. LTTP Link sat awkwardly, his movements stiff. Not surprising given he was 16-bit.

Link leaned in toward the pixelated young boy. "I always liked you," he said.

Behind sat the original Link in his 8-bit glory. "Wow," said Link. "You're just a little green blob, aren't you?"

A sharp whine made him wince. The sound faded, and an unseen person's voice began to speak.

"The winner," is said, "for Best Link Ever is…" The crowd tensed. Someone coughed softly. "…Toon Link!"

Applause erupted as Link, dazed, got to his feet. "Wow," he gasped. "Wow." He stumbled up to the podium. Hot spotlights bore down on him. He swallowed.

"Speech!" a faint voice called from the audience.

"Oh," said Link. "Yeah." He waited for the crowd to settle. "Well, um, wow, so unexpected." Link cleared his throat. "Um, so I _would_ like to thank Tetra, the crew, and all the other minor characters like Medli and Aryll," he said, "but really it was all down to me, so I won't."

A chair scraped behind him. Link turned.

Ocarina Link slowly stood up. A vein in his temple pulsed. "This is not acceptable," he growled. "Look at me. Look at my face. It takes years of being a bad-ass to get my face this stoic." His chest heaved. "And you're telling me this walking _toon_ is the better man?" Ocarina Link reached behind and drew the Master Sword from his back. "I challenge you to combat."

The audience murmured in consternation. Link tried to calm the situation down. "Bro," he said, "this isn't Smash Bros."

"I am not your 'bro'," Ocarina Link replied. "When you showed up, they were begging for my return. Begging. You were a mistake. Now it's time to erase that mistake. Defend yourself!"

Ocarina Link thrust forward with the Master Sword. Link somersaulted over the attack and landed behind his opponent. "You forget," he said, turning back as he stood. "I have the better moves."

Ocarina Link roared, then swung in with the Blade of Evil's Bane. Link snapped backward, dodging.

"You're an insult to the name," said Ocarina Link. "You almost ruined me. Nobody wants cute. They want realism. They want darkness. They want," he said, "to draw me in various states of undress."

Link frowned. "What's that now?"

"You heard me," Ocarina Link replied in a smug voice. "You don't get that treatment, do you? No, I didn't think so. Only my magnificent, chiselled slab of hot, greasy manliness is worthy."

"Ugh," said Link with a grimace. "Why'd you put that image in my head for?"

"Sometimes they even involve tentacles."

" _Stop it!"_

"The fangirls love me," Ocarina Link smirked. "They love Twilight me, Skyward me. And soon… they will love Breath of the Wild me."

Link drew himself up to his full height. "Sir," he said, stony-faced. "Now you've gone too far." He reached back with one hand and drew his sword.

"Good, good," said Ocarina Link. His fingers flexed over the Master Sword's hilt. "Let the hate flow through you. It won't be enough, of course. My pure hotness will repel you."

Link reached back with his other hand and drew a second sword.

Ocarina Link took a step back. "Wait, that's not poss –"

"TASTE! TOON! JUSTICE!" Arms outstretched, Link leapt into the air, knees drawn up to his chin. He brought both his arms together in mid-air to form an X. Both blades sliced through Ocarina Link.

Link landed on his feet, head bowed, face unreadable. "Finishing move of doom," he whispered as he stood.

The crowd gasped. Someone screamed. Terror-struck eyes stared at him.

"What?" he said. "No need to look so serious. He's just a bunch of pixels. This is just a dream." Something wet and sticky began to pool around his boots. "I think."

"Link…" Tetra's voice cut into the Dreamworld.

"Link!"

He awoke with a start. Tetra was kneeling before him, an angry, swollen lump on her head. The sea breeze flicked strands of her hair across her face.

"It's gone, Link," she said.

"What's gone?"

"Look!"

Link sat up. The mountainside had a huge hole gouged into it now. Dirt crumbled from the edge of the fresh crater and tumbled into the darkness. Tetra was right, though. It was gone.

The Negative-S had left its underground womb.


	19. Talk

**19\. Talk**

"But," said Tetra, "Where did it go?"

Shading her eyes with one hand, she squinted into the distance. The smoke was now fading from above Tower Island town, and even further back sunlight glinted off of the waves of the sea.

There was no sign of the Negative-S.

"It can't have vanished," said Link. "Someone must've seen. Even if it flew. Someone must have."

Tetra felt a sliver of anxiety. "If it's left the island…the Grand-S can't follow."

A gust of wind sent their clothes into a flutter and twirled ash into the air. Tetra's ears pricked up to the sound of a low, guttural growl. It was coming from behind them. She took a look over her shoulder, then turned back. She sucked on the inside of her cheek in thought. Then she took another look, and again turned back.

"Link."

"Mmm-hmm?"

"Why is there a wolf behind us?"

Link turned to have a look himself. "Ah..." he said. "Hmm."

"Link...?"

"Well, that's...that's Twilight me in his wolf form. Not exactly sure what he's doing here myself. I think he must have slipped through the Dreamworld with me."

Tetra knew better than to ask. "O…kay."

The wolf padded forward to come to stand in between the two of them. All three stood in a somewhat awkward silence. The wolf decided to break it.

"Show me thy enemies, my companions," it said in a deep, throaty voice. "And I will tear out their throats."

"Hey," said Link, stunned. "You talk! Since when do you talk? And when do you ever talk like _that_?"

Tetra sighed and closed her eyes. _A talking wolf. Of course._ She sighed again. _Just roll with it, girl._

"Mind not my words," said the wolf. "But heed my strength." Taut muscles rippled under its fur.

Link looked unimpressed. "That's not strength."

"Pray tell what is, then."

"It's when you smile, my furry friend," Link replied. "When your world collapses. And all your hopes are dashed. If, in the face of all that, you can still smile - well, then you're the strongest in the world."

Tetra blinked in surprise. She hadn't expected that from Link.

"Don't doubt. Don't give in," Link went on in quiet voice edged with steel-hard certainty. "Leave reason behind. That's the Team Tetra way."

The wolf nodded. "This Tetra seems like a very formidable person indeed."

"She is," said Tetra. "She's me. Captain of the _Harkinian._ What about you, hmm? Do you have a name?"

"You may call me," it replied, "the Twilight Wolf!"

He raised his head and howled, framed by the sudden appearance of the moon in a starlit sky.

"Wha-" gasped Link. His eyes darted this way and that. "It's the middle of the afternoon!"

"I know, Link," Tetra replied. "Why?"

"Didn't you see-" The words died in his throat.

"See what?" asked Tetra.

He looked at the wolf. "Did _you_ see?"

"Mine eyes detected naught," it replied. "I swear by my name - the Twilight Wolf!"

Again he raised his head and howled. Again he was momentarily caught by moonlight in a starry sky.

Link looked from the wolf to Tetra and then back again. His captain waited expectantly. He opened his mouth, then snapped it shut instantly. "Oh, I get it," he muttered, "Just for me and the readers. Sneaky, narrative. Very sneaky."

"Link," said Tetra. "I'm very glad you made it out alive. But you really need to start talking some sense."

"I concur," said the wolf.

Link gaped. "Who asked _you_?"

"And," said Tetra, "What do you mean he's the Twilight you? There's more than one of you? And you're a wolf?"

Link looked to the wolf. "Show her."

"I'm not sure I understand," replied Twilight.

"Change into your true form," he replied, flustered. "Show her."

One of the wolf's ears fluttered unconsciously. "This is my true form."

Link's eye twitched. "Don't play me," he growled. "I'm warning you."

The wolf yawned, then began scratching himself with his hind paw.

"Right. Come here." He grabbed Twilight by an ear and dragged the kicking and snarling out of Tetra's earshot.

"Explain," said Link, releasing him.

"Explain what...?"

"You know well what. First of all. That thing with your name."

"Thing…?"

"Whenever you mention your name, you keep doing that bit from the trailer."

"Trailer...?"

"Yes. The trailer. The second trailer, to be exact."

The wolf twitched his nose. "I'm afraid that, like your friend has just informed you, you're not making much sense."

"Your face doesn't make sense!"

"That makes even less sense."

Link folded his arms. "Say your name."

"Why?"

"Say it!"

"No."

"Gus, don't be a wuss."

"My name isn't Gus."

"Then what is it?"

"The Twilight Wolf!"

Raise. Head. Howl. Moon. Stars.

"Ah ha!" cried Link. "See? See?! _Seeeeeee?!_ "

"Your imagining things," said Twilight.

Link's hands balled into fists. "It's 'you're,' not 'your'!"

"I'm afraid you may be loosing your senses," said Twilight.

" _Losing!"_ Link cried. "Not loosing! Why do people always get that wrong? I am losing my senses!"

"Exactly," said Twilight, his voice smug. "No wonder you've never truly been in the hearts of our lovely fangirl's."

Link drew his sword. "Take that apostrophe back," he said in a low voice filled with menace. "Take it back right now."

"But truth be told," said Twilight, ignoring the blade pointed at him. "I saw it already. I saw it when you did what you did to the poor Hero of Time. All out of petty jealousy over the fact that our fangirls - those charming, exquisite angels - prefer to draw him than you."

Link felt the heat rise to his face. "It had nothing to do with -"

"I have a question, though" said Twilight as curled around Link's legs. "Why do you hate the Breath of the Wild us so? He has yet to make his mark on the world. Yet you seem terribly vexed by his presence. Are you threatened?"

"No," said Link. "That's not how I r-"

"You are...yes, you are. Worried you'll become even more of a footnote in our history, are you?"

"You really need to shut it."

"You know," said Twilight. "The fangirls – delightful creatures that they are – draw me as well. The ones they do of Midna and me – oh, my."

"You're just as bad as the other guy."

"I'd wager that they have drawn more pictures of me than they have of you."

"You know I'm holding a sword, don't you?"

"And me just a mere animal."

"Listen, Twilight Sparkle," Link spat. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't even know how you can talk in the first place. Go away. Leave me alone. Go find an imp to play with."

"Be warned," said Twilight as he turned to slink off. "I am not like the Hero of Time. You will not find me such easy prey."

Link followed, seething.

Tetra watched them both approach. "Soo," she cooed. "All sorted, then?"

The wolf grinned. "I believe we have come to an understanding, yes."

"I feel a song coming on," Link said as he glowered into the distance. "A dark, angst-ridden one. I want to sing. I'm going to sing."

"Please don't," said Tetra.

"I concur." The wolf nodded sagely. "Your vocal skills leave much to be desired."

Link bared his teeth. " _Why are you even here_?"

"Enough, both of you," Tetra snapped. "We're losing time."

"You're telling me," Link muttered. "All we've done this whole chapter is talk. I bet no one even remembers we're standing on the side of an active volcano, that's how little description there's been."

"Let's go find Senza," Tetra went on, "and get to the Grand-S."

Link muttered under his breath again. "Sure. The Grand-S. Only taken three chapters so far. I bet that's the end of the tournament as well. Title of the story's redundant now. Well done, narrative. Well done, indeed."

"What's that, Link?"

"Nothing!" he said. "You're right." He raised a fist. "Team Tetra – Go!"


	20. Real

**20\. Real**

The streets of Tower Island Town were bustling with activity. Saws sawed, axes chopped, and the people...

Well...

 _They go on. They don't give up._ Tetra smiled. _Link would be proud._

She looked around. Hammers struck wood and nail. Sawdust spiralled into the air. Even the blanket of grey ash was almost gone. She saw Linebeck sweeping some away, and nodded at him.

They were rebuilding the town, all of them - the townsfolk, the Rito, her freshly disembarked crew, and even some of the remaining pirate contestants.

She nodded to each familiar face as she passed. Tetra caught sight of her mother waiting atop a wooden crate, Senza standing beside.

Tetra approached. A dark shape curled out from behind the crate.

"Twilight," said Tetra.

"At your service, my fair lady," the wolf replied with head bowed.

"Where's Link?" asked her mother.

Right on cue, the Outset boy marched around a corner, a gaggle of laughing children behind him. Link sang. The kids followed.

"D-d-danger!" he said.

"LURKS BEHIND YOU!" the children chorused.

"There's a stranger..."

"OUT TO GET YOU!"

"What to do, just grab on to some..."

"LINK TALES!"

"Woo-oo!"

"Ah," said the elder Zelda, nodding. "There." She waited until Link had fully arrived before speaking again. "Thank you, Tetra darling, for your help - and our crew's help - in the reconstruction of the town." The captain responded with a slight shrug. "And you, Link. For taking the town's children under your wing and making them forget their sorrows."

"Sorrow?" said Link as he folded his arms. "What do we think of that, kids?"

"WE'VE KICKED IT OUT!" they chanted.

Link grinned. So did Tetra. It was infectious. Link threw her a wink.

"And the Captain's going to fix this place up better than it was before. Ain't that right, kids?"

"YEAH!"

The elder Zelda smiled. "I like how you roll, Link."

Link nodded. "That's what I keep saying."

"TOO RIGHT!"

Zelda turned back to address all of them. "Now if I could be serious for just a moment," she said, her eyes flicking from one person to the next. "I've cancelled the Pirate Smash."

"Called it," said Link. "Didn't I, kids?"

"YEAH!"

"Unfortunately," the elder Zelda went on. "We don't know where the Negative-S is."

Tetra's brow crinkled with a frown. "No one in the town saw it?"

Her mother shook her head. "And the path to the Grand-S is blocked. A rebel group of flame-possessed Rito have taken control of the trail."

Tetra turned to Senza. "Scouted?"

"Yes, Milady," he replied. "Ninety-five percent chance we won't be able to get through."

"And a five percent chance we will," Link fired back instantly. "I'll take those odds over zero."

The island shook all of a sudden. A deep rumble emanated from the volcano. Black smoke puffed out from the crater. And then a whirlpool of energy appeared above them. All eyes turned skyward.

The whirlpool collapsed, leaving a giant form of glinting orange, all sharp angles and rivets. Glowing purple-black energy ran from tip to tail. Its eyes burned with twin flames.

The elder Zelda stared up in horror. "The Negative-S..."

" _You remember us,_ " the machine said. Its lips didn't move within its stoic face.

The former captain blinked. "Remember...?"

The Negative-S chuckled. Tetra clutched the side of her head. Through scrunched eyes, she saw others do the same. The laugh grated, like the sound of nails scraping.

" _You are our infiltration unit,"_ the machine replied. " _We made you in the image of this one's dead mother."_ A metal finger pointed at Tetra. " _And imbued you with our powers."_

Tetra's mother - or whoever she was - shook her head. "No...no..."

" _Did you think you were real...?"_

The Negative-S laughed again. This time Tetra didn't care about the sound. For the second time in a week, she felt the prick of hot tears. _A lie. It was all a lie..._

 _"We needed you to draw her out. Her mother - her real mother - knew of us. She set in motion the plan to construct the Grand-S_."

The woman who thought she was Tetra's mother balled her hands into fists. "No...no! That was me!"

" _Fool_ ," the Negative-S replied. _"Her real mother entrusted the plan to the Rito just before we sent the storm to have her killed."_

Rage made Tetra's chest heave. She glared up at the monster.

 _"They couldn't construct the accursed machine,"_ the Negative-S went on. _"They didn't have the resources. Until you provided them. They followed the plan to the letter - even with the enchantment that needed Royal blood to activate it. And the second enchantment that would make sure we couldn't touch the wretched thing."_

The woman opened and closed her mouth in wordless despair. She shook her head slowly.

 _"We made your deception a little too well. You thought you were her. You knew where to find her treasure to fund the construction. We did not expect you to be so...successful. We just needed you to find the girl before the Negative-S was ready. Just in case. And the powers we gave you...you didn't even use them."_

Tetra was stunned. She couldn't believe it. At the mention of powers, she saw the woman flick an odd glance at Link.

 _"You are no longer of any use to us."_

A bolt of lightning hit the woman. Her scream died instantly. Ash drifted to the ground.

Tetra gasped. "Mother!"

 _But she's not. She never was..._

The Negative-S floated above. The flames in its eyes rose and fell.

" _You puny flesh creatures infesting this land,"_ it said. _"The Flame People are done with you all. We have learnt the secret of existence itself - and have harnessed it. Imagination dances to our tune now."_

Tetra heard the words through her grief-wracked mind. _Imagination...?_

" _We stand atop the fourth wall, looking down on you all. You!"_ the Negative-S boomed as it pointed at Twilight. " _Tell me your name._ "

Saliva dripped from Twilight's mouth. He snarled. "Foul fiend," he said. "I will tell you my name, and you will remember it for all eternity. My name is...the Twilight Wolf!"

He raised his head and howled. The moon appeared -

And froze as the Negative-S held up a metal hand. Panicked cries swept over the town in response to the sudden appearance of nightfall.

 _"You are no longer of any use to us."_

The sky split apart. A bolt of lightning zig-zagged down and struck the wolf. Ash settled instantly in the aftermath.

Tetra inhaled sharply. _Twilight..._

Link shook his fist at the Negative-S. "You absolute monster!" he spat. "He only just debuted last chapter!"

" _Behold!"_ the Negative-S cried as it pointed to the sky. _"The instrument of your destruction!"_

The moon shook. Cracks spider-webbed across its surface. Huge chunks broke off, drifting away into the ether, revealing two dark, empty holes for eyes and a curved slash for a grinning mouth.

" _Descend."_

The entire moon bulged. Tetra's eyes did likewise. Screams rang through the air.

Link's mouth dropped open. "By the power of Greyskull..." he gasped. "We've just been Majora'd."

The moon was falling.

" _We will keep these,_ " the machine said. " _For our amusement."_

Squeals followed. Tetra spun. The children next to Link...they were slowly rising. Her friend was jumping in desperation as he tried to grab a hold. They floated out of Link's reach. A panel slide open in the Negative-S's chest. The hostages were swallowed by the darkness within.

" _Farewell._ "

The air shook as explosive flame shot from the Negative-S's boots. It flew straight up.

Tetra felt rooted to the spot as the world spun around her. Townsfolk screamed. Parents sobbed. Pirates laughed manically. Even her own crew - save Link who just gaped upward helplessly - were struck by sheer panic.

The Great Sea churned into froth at the moon's slow approach. Flashes of lightning heralded the deep roll of never-ending thunder. As the wind whipped around her, Tetra stared up at the grinning moon. The Negative-S stood sentinel high up in the sky, framed in its marble light.

It was a lie. She thought she'd found her mother but it hadn't even been real. What _was_ real...? She wanted to sink to the ground - despair would crush her before the moon ever would. Her eyes closed. She'd never expected to feel hurt like this ever again.

 _No._

Her whole body shook. Tetra's eyes flew open. Her crew were running like headless cuccos, spurred on by sheer terror.

 _No._

Resistance sparked from somewhere deep within her soul. She didn't know what had started it, but she was more than happy to let it kindle and grow.

Those kids were up there.

"NO."

Her crew froze at the familiar sound of her commanding voice.

Tetra grit her teeth. "Kick out that doubt, boys," she spat. "Punch fear in the face. We're not going down tonight."

"But, Milady," said Senza. "It's the moon! How can we fight against the moon?It's just...impossible."

"Take those words, Senza," she replied. "And stick it where the moon don't shine. That's not how Team Tetra roll."

"Yeah!" cried Link.

"We're going to the Grand-S and we're going to give those Flame People the kicking they so richly deserve."

Senza shook his head. "There's no path, though!"

"Then we'll make a path. Ain't that right, Link?"

"Preach it, sister!" he replied. "I'll go one-on-one with that behemoth if I have to. In one corner, we have a reality-altering savage beast of a being that doesn't know when to quit. And in the other, the Negative-S."

Tetra grinned. "Let's _do_ this!"


	21. Truth

**21\. Truth**

Bloated and huge, the grinning moon loomed large in the unnatural black sky, inching closer and closer. Panic swept all over the islands of the Great Sea. They didn't know that their salvation lay in the strange machine known as the Grand-S. Nor did they know that the only path to the S was now blocked by a wall of piled-up heavy, sagging sandbags

The Rito were there, two of them, patrolling back and forth in front of the blockade. They walked in tandem from left to right, stopping only to have a quick search of their surroundings before turning around and marching from right to left. They didn't have eyes. Instead, tiny streams of flame spilled from where their eyes should have been.

The people needed someone to smash that blockade.

They needed someone to break through and awaken the Grand-S.

They needed…the two walking barrels creeping up from behind the guards as they made their circuit again.

"This is a ridiculous idea, Link," one of the barrels whispered.

"Relax," the other replied. "I've done this loads of times."

"We're walking barrels. We can't be missed."

"Only if they see you walking. And they can _hear_ talking barrels, so pipe it down, Captain." He paused. "Wait. Hit the deck!"

The two barrels sat themselves down on the path. The guards strode past, oblivious. Legs popped out from the bottom of each keg and they moved off again.

"I don't get it," Tetra whispered. "How are they not noticing there are two barrels here?"

"There's a couple of things you need to know about guards in Hyrule," Link murmured. "One: They never have a name, at least never in _this_ narrative. And two: they never notice the obvious. Down!"

The barrels hit the ground. Tetra stared out through a single eyehole crudely cut out from the curved wood. She swallowed as she saw the two Rito with burning eyes approached – then blinked in surprise as they walked _around_ both barrels.

"Hey," Link whispered. "I just noticed. These barrels are bigger on the inside. Do you know what this means?"

Tetra was almost afraid to ask. "What?"

"We can time-travel!"

"We can't time-travel, Link."

"What if we rolled the barrels up to 88 miles per hour…?"

"Let's just go!"

As the Rito were busy searching on the furthest end of the makeshift wall, Link and Tetra climbed up the side nearest to them. They made it over the top and dropped down to the other side. Tetra lifted up her barrel and cast it aside.

She winced. _Think I just got a splinter._

Link lifted up his own barrel and looked at her with a frown. "You had a ninja rat in yours?" he said. "Weird."

Tetra just strode past him, determined to reach the Grand-S before she engaged in a conversation she knew she'd regret.

Leaves shivered in the wind. Sheets of silent lightning flashed overhead. There should've been more guards here, but the rest of the crew had taken care of that. They – along with Linebeck – had already been and gone, staging a distraction that caused the Rito to give chase and leave only the two token guards behind.

Spilled sand crunched under her boots. Tetra and Link rounded a corner. And there it was.

The Grand-S stood there, alone and unguarded so they –

The world vanished, leaving only a thin mist.

Tetra skidded to a halt. "What the heck just happened?"

"It's the Negative-S," Link replied, his voice serious. "The Flame People have just changed our scene."

"They can change our location…?" Tetra asked after untangling his words. When Link nodded, she went on, "If they have this much power why don't they just finish us all off now? Why all this…this…?"

"Drama?" Link replied with a slight smile. "They know how it works. There are some narrative rules you just can't break."

Tetra sighed. A straight answer was all she ever wanted. "So…this place…?"

"Dreamworld," said Link, his eyes searching.

Something emerged out of the gloom. A giant scarlet machine, similar to both the Grand and Negative-S. It stood tall, with what looked like teeth in its stomach, and a transparent angular black window on its chest. Faceless figures stood on one shoulder. A cape fluttered in the breeze.

"What is that?" Tetra whispered.

"I think," Link replied, "it's one of the muses for this narrative."

Tetra's head began to throb.

As suddenly as they had appeared, both the machine and the people atop it vanished into the fog.

"Hey," said Link softly. "Be careful."

Tetra's hand dropped instinctively to the cold grip of her flintlock pistol. Eyes squinted, she peered through the mist. The cold air stung her eyes. She saw nothing, though –

 _Wait._

Her heart skipped a beat. Her hand tightened around her gun. Her ears pricked up. She _swore_ she just heard the pattering of running feet.

 _There!_

A large, shimmering black shape flitted through the fog, heading straight toward –

"Link!" She flipped the pistol up and fired.

The dark shape dropped instantly to the unseen ground. Tetra stepped up, her gun still trained on the body. It was a man, she realised, dressed all in red. Link used his foot to roll the corpse onto its back.

Tetra gazed down. The man was large and moustachioed. He had a cap that had fallen clean off his head. It was marked with the letter 'M'.

She didn't recognise him. Tetra looked up – and did a double-take when she saw Link grinning happily.

"Tetra," he said. "I think I love you."

" _What?_ "

"Always liked Luigi better myself," said Link. He pulled at the front of his tunic. "Same colour scheme, y'know?"

Tetra shook her head and sighed again. All she ever seemed to do after conversing with Link was sigh.

 _Sigh…_

Tetra froze. That hadn't come from her. She holstered her pistol and, slowly, turned around. Link sidled up to join her.

Blonde-haired, blue-eyed young girls stared back, all dressed in similar regal shades of purple and pink.

"Zelda," said Tetra, looking at each young woman in turn. "You're all Zelda."

"So are you," they replied in one voice. "Yet you deny it. You take a different name and wear it with pride. You could of stayed Zelda forever."

"Could've," said Link, taking a step forward. "Not 'could of.' Just thought I'd point that out."

"Thank you, Link," the Zeldas all said in unison again.

Tetra winced. "That is seriously creepy."

"You are us," they said. "We are you. We are one."

Tetra leaned in toward Link. "You said this was a Dreamworld, yeah?"

"Right," said Link.

"Whose dream is this, then? Harkinian's?!"

All the Zelda turned as one to address Link. "You must follow this man," they said as they all smiled. "He will rescue you."

They fluttered their eyes flirtatiously. Link gave a little wave in response.

Tetra glared. "I don't need rescuing."

They all shifted back to focus on her. "Do not betray the Zelda name. This is your destiny. This is what you were born for."

"Says who?"

"The Miyamoto," they replied. "The Miyamoto has spoken."

Silence dropped between the two parties. Tetra decided to break it.

"Link," she said. "Pass me a bomb."

Link reached into his hat and pulled out a black sphere. The fuse was already sizzling away.

The Zeldas all recoiled in shock. "What are you doing…? Do not be-"

Tetra hurled the bomb. When the rumble of the explosion and the smoke had dissipated, Tetra and Link found themselves standing alone again.

Link pursed his lips in thought. "You know you just killed yourself, right?" he said. "I did it myself three chapters ago, so I won't judge."

"Link?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't think your job is to rescue me, do you?"

"No way," he said. "Never."

"Okay," she replied softly. "Good."

Link moved off. He was singing.

"Link," sang Link. "He come to town. Come to saaaave the Princess Zelda."

Tetra narrowed her eyes. She followed at a deliberate pace. "Now what?" she said. "We can't be stuck in this place forever."

Link stopped and slapped his own forehead. "Of course!" he said. "We can leave anytime we want."

"How…?"

"We can rewrite the text." He thought on this for a moment. "Or we can try."

"Say what now?"

"Just think, Captain," said Link. "Think of what you want to happen."

Tetra folded her arms. "Are you seriously saying we should just wish our way out?"

"Okay, okay," said Link, holding up his palms in a placating gesture. "Just let me try it."

Tetra watched sceptically as Link scrunched his eyes shut. Head bowed, brow creased in concentration, he pressed a finger against one temple.

"Eat your heart out, Professor X," he murmured. "I have better hair as well."

Link and Tetra steped out of the Dreamworld and straight into the Grand-S.

"See?" he said. "It worked!" Link frowned. "Whoa, sorry. I've only put one 'p' in stepped." He shrugged. "Meh. It happens."

Tetra slowly turned in a circle, eyes wide and brain befuddled. The familiar rivets and pipes of the Grand-S surrounded her. Steam hissed and the whole place hummed. "We're…inside…?"

"Yup," Link replied. "And right in front of the door to the control room as well." He dropped his voice to a self-reflective whisper. "Damn, I'm good."

Tetra pushed open the door. Four pairs of glowing eye stared back. Fleshless jaws opened and hissed.

"Skeleton crew!" cried Link, then closed his eyes briefly as he winced. "I mean, _Stalfos_ crew." He reached for his hat. "Let me get my boomer-"

Tetra drew her gun up and fired off four shots, barrel spinning with each flare of fiery light. Four skulls shattered. The Stalfos each dropped to the floor in a clatter of tumbling bones.

"Or not," said Link as he quickly slipped his hat back on.

Tetra kicked the bones aside and moved to stare out of the machine's eyes. The wind whistled in through the one window that Link had shattered the last time she'd been here.

"Look, Link," said Tetra. "The volcano."

The lava within the volcano's crater glowed against the night sky. Even part of the moon was bathed in fiery light making it look like it was hanging there like an overripe peach. Huge bubbles were forming on the molten surface of the crater, bubbles that caught afire as they grew.

"Fireballs," said Link. "They're going to attack the town again."

"Isn't dropping the moon on our heads enough?" Tetra pulled the machine's circular key from her pocket. Her eyes scanned the controls, looking for the entry point.

Link searched as well, his fingers running over the control console's smooth obsidian surface. "Not a mark," he said. "These Rito must have some sort of amazing cleaning sensei. Wax on. Wax off."

Tetra found it. A tiny slot, dead centre. She placed the key the curved edge of the key at the slot's mouth. With a whirr, the key was swallowed hole. A clear pane of glass rose up from the console. Glowing words appeared. Their light reflected off of her eyes. Tetra read them.

 _Touch screen to start._

Tetra did so. A gentle beep responded. Lights blazed into life all through the control room.

They heard the sound of fabric tearing. Spinning around, Link and Tetra saw a second chair emerge from a rupture in the floor. It came to rest beside the first chair.

"Looks like this is a two-player," said Link as he sank into the new chair. "Sweet."

Tetra slowly sat down in her own seat. She settled herself in, latching various belts with a soft click, then slipped her hands into the gauntlets on the chair's twin armrests.

And, suddenly, incredibly, everything changed. Her sense of self shattered like glass. She, Link and the Grand-S all became one. She felt the wind on the giant's metal skin, felt the gears and pulleys within slowly begin to move.

Power. Tetra felt the thrum of power run through the entirety of the Grand-S. It was heady, intoxicating. Her physical body inhaled sharply.

But there was more.

Not just power, but knowledge now.

She and Link became entwined, one soul blurring into the other. His knowledge poured into her mind and everything she once thought she knew burned away under the blaze of its light.

She knew now what Link knew.

She saw the world how he did.

Her real body gasped. Then grinned. "I... _believe_..."

She laughed and laughed and laughed.

"Hey, Link?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's see how we roll."

Spinning engines deep inside the Grand-S began to whir, then grew into a steady hum. Veins of emerald energy ran up and down each line and crevice of the silver-painted machine. Explosive flame burst from beneath the machine's boots. As the Grand-S slowly rose into the air, the air shimmering all around it, the Negative-S turned its head in their direction.

" _I see,_ " it said. " _The final battle."_

With an explosive boom, the Negative-S rocketed away from the moon to intercept them.

Tetra didn't care. She understood. She finally understood.

She knew the truth.

And it was glorious.

" _Did you really believe you could best us?"_ said the Negative-S as it hurtled in closer. " _You pathetic little flesh creatures, tossed to and fro by the waves of a life you barely understand, slave to your emotions, cowering before your doubts and fears – and all so you can sink into the mud by your own hand."_ The Negative-S tore through the air, its boots spitting flame and a trail of smoke. " _All you have is despair."_

"We laugh at doubt," said Tetra.

"And grin into the face of fear," said Link.

"And this," they both cried in unison as the Grand-S drew back a huge fist, "is what we do to despair!"

The Grand-S swung, the punch colliding with the Negative-S at the very moment it reached them. A shockwave boomed out across the sea. The chest plate flew off of the Negative-S, spinning away. Children screamed as they spilled out of the fresh opening.

"No way!" cried Tetra. She swung the Grand-S around to scoop up the captured kids with its other hand.

The ground shook with a deep boom – they had landed. Gently, they set the children down.

A piercing scream made Tetra and Link both look up. Framed in the moonlight, the Negative-S roared in defiance. Sparks burst from the wound in its chest. Blades slid out from both its arms and cannons flipped out over its shoulders. Wings of pure flame sprouted from its back.

"Big giant mecha," gasped Link. "It's like we're in an anime. Knew I should've worn a miniskirt today."

" _We will break the enchantment on your accursed machine,_ " the Negative-S said. _"Then we will tear open its head and squish you fleshy parasites within._ _Your tale ends here."_

"Hey," the Grand-S replied in Tetra's smiling voice. "This is _my_ stor _y,_ buddy. Bring it on. We're ready. Bring on the final battle."


	22. Break

**22\. Break**

The Grand-S launched into the air, fire spilling from its boots, and rammed straight into the Negative's mid-section. With an otherworldly roar, the Negative grabbed hold of Link and Tetra's machine, and fired all its cannons.

Tetra winced as the explosions flashed past the giant machine's eyeholes. Charred steam rose from its metal skin but they were otherwise unharmed.

The Negative caught the Grand in a headlock, then began to spin around, slowly at first, then quickly picking up speed.

In the Grand's cockpit, Tetra watched the world hurtle past at a dizzying pace. She gripped her chair's armrests, her nails digging into the fabric. The rivets and joints of the Grand screamed in protest against the rising pressure. Metal creaked, then _pinged._

"Hold on, Captain." Link's vibrant voice was calm and reassuring. "And brace for impact!"

The Negative let go, sending their Grand spinning through the air before it crashed straight into the volcano's side. Sparks spat within the cockpit, and pipes snapped in two. Steam hissed out from the ruptures.

"Ouch…" Tetra shook her head to regain her bearings. "I thought this thing was protected…? Enchanted…?"

"They've bypassed it already," Link replied in a soft but firm voice. He unlatched his belt with a click. "Just like you can. The narrative's locked me out for now. But not you…"

Link knelt beside Tetra's seat. She looked at him suspiciously. "What are you doing?"

"You've hit your head."

She raised a hand to her brow. It came away wet with blood.

"How…?" she breathed, staring at him. "Why does it all feel so real…?"

"Think different, Tetra," Link replied. He coughed as the smoke drifted in the enclosed air, then tore a strip from his tunic and pressed it to her head. "Find a solution."

Hope rose in Tetra's heart in response to the cast-iron certainty in Link's voice. A flicker of movement from outside, though, made her sit bolt upright. Her eyes grew.

"Link! Watch –"

The Negative's fist careened into the Grand's head, snapping it back. Link gripped hard onto Tetra's arm to keep from flying into the back wall. The impassive face of the Negative-S, eyes blazing with flame, loomed large in the Grand's oval windows. Their machine began to shake violently, bits of metallic debris spitting up into their line of sight as a horrific screeching noise filled the air. Alarms sounded. The cockpit was plunged into a deep, crimson hue.

"Hull breach," said Link. He turned to Tetra. "Remember. Think diff-"

" _Stop._ "

Time froze. Colour fled from the world, leaving a grey, monochrome landscape. Tetra, Link and the Grand-S hung motionless.

" _This is no sport,_ " said the Negative-S. _"You call this a final battle? You are not worthy. You flesh parasites need to prove yourselves. If the two of you can find yourselves back to this moment in the narrative, then we will engage you. But you won't. You'll now find out exactly how self-centred you truly are…"_

* * *

She was beautiful.

Link held her by her slender waist and gazed down at her smiling face. Confetti fluttered in the air around the two of them. The wedding guests, their faces blurred in his eyes, laughed and cheered as the two of them danced. Bottles popped and hissed. More cheers.

Link paid no attention to any of it. He only had eyes for her. He leaned down. She closed her sapphire blue eyes and parted her lips slightly in anticipation. Link drunk in the kiss as the guests roared in appreciation.

She was perfect. Everything he'd ever wanted. Here was comfort and joy, a rock in a world that spun chaotically around him. He didn't deserve her. He'd never tell her that, though.

She was his princess.

* * *

Tetra was free.

She smiled as she leaned over the ship's bow and looked up at the star-sprinkled night sky. The ship's figurehead – carved into the shape of a buxom woman with arms outstretched – bobbed up and down in time to the ship's passage through the sea. The rhythmic creak of wood and sailcloth was soothing.

This was the life.

Link peeked up over the side of the sofa. His heart skipped a beat. There she was, blonde hair tied back, bare feet swinging from a stool as she tapped away on her laptop. She pushed her glasses up her nose. The motion made Link's heart squeeze with happiness.

He would never leave her.

"Captain," said Tetra.

"Don't call me that, darling," her mother's smiling voice replied. She handed Tetra a steaming mug as she walked over. The tails of her coat fluttered in the cool, night breeze.

"Drink," she said, raising her own cup.

They both took a sip at the same time.

"Whoa!" they both gasped, then collapsed into giggles.

"Strong stuff…" said Tetra. "But, yeah. You're the captain. And I just sail. Just the way I like it."

"You don't ever want to take my place?"

Tetra shook her head, smiling. Responsibility was a burden that she didn't want. Oddly, she felt as though that same heavy weight had already been lifted from her shoulders.

She shrugged. What did it matter? For now, she was content.

* * *

Link breathed in deep as he watched the fan spin overhead. She was sleeping in his arms, her breathing soft and gently. He kissed her lightly on one bare shoulder. He caught his reflection in a mirror set opposite the bed in the hotel room.

Link smiled.

* * *

"I can't be the captain forever," said her mother as she leaned back against the bow's railing. "One day, it'll be time for someone younger and fresher to take over."

Tetra clinked her mug against her mother's in a forced toast. "May that day never come," she said. "Seriously. I just want to be free."

* * *

"Dad!"

Squealing giggles accompanied the two boys as they dived on top of Link. He laughed, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw his wife smile.

"Hey, kids," he said. "What's new?"

"New game!" one of them cried.

"Yeah," said the other. "On the Wii U."

"Oh yeah?" said Link. He tousled a mop of blond hair. "Which one?"

"New Zelda game!" the first one said, waving the plastic cover in giddy excitement in his grubby hands. "It's called Breath of the Wild!"

The smile vanished from Link's lips. "Wait. What?"

* * *

"Iceberg!" cried the ship's lookout.

Tetra frowned. "Iceberg…?" she said. "Out here…?"

She pulled a telescope from her coat, adjusted the range, then peered in.

* * *

Link slowly stood up. "You…" he said as he tried to stop himself from shaking. "You're not real. None of you are real."

"Boys," said the woman sternly. "Go to your room."

The boys whined. "But-"

"NOW!"

They shuffled away. Moments later, Link heard the ascending stomp of feet on steps.

The woman who wasn't his wife composed herself. "Link. Honey," she cooed. "You're scaring the children. Don't say stuff like that."

Link folded his arms. "You're not real. Well. As in. Less real."

"I'm not having this," said the woman, her face pinched in anger. "I thought you were cured." Her eyes smouldered. "Cured of this madness….this irrational madness that we live in a fictional world."

"We do," Link retorted. "Well, _I_ do. You're like…a dream in a dream."

The woman rolled her eyes. "Now you think we're in that movie…? The one you hated…? What was it called…?"

Link growled. "Conception."

"I- " The woman blinked. "What?"

Link's eyes darted around the room. "Where's the way out…? Through the refrigerator…? Toilet…?"

She strode over to him and gave him a sharp slap. "Grow up, Link," she spat. "This is life. Real life. You go to work. You eat. You live. There's nothing more. There's no point. You need to snap out of this for the sake of our –"

"Quiet."

"Mmm!" The woman's eyes bulged. Her lips were fastened shut. "MMM!"

The corner of Link's mouth curled up. "Just as I suspected." He dug his fingers into the scene, then tore it apart. A starry blackness yawned from beyond.

"I..." His heart caught for a moment as the memory of the wedding came back to him, the memory of all those warm, blissful feelings. Link shook his head. "I'm gone."

He stepped through the fresh opening.

* * *

As she stared through the telescope, Tetra saw the berg change before her very eye. Chunks of blue-white ice slipped off as the whole berg restructured and reshaped itself into –

"A blond guy with a green hat…?"

"Tetra!" the iceberg yelled. "It's time to unplug from the Matrix!"

"It…" Tetra gasped. "It knows my name. How does it know my name?"

Her steely-eyed mother marched to the ship's bow. "Fire all cannons!"

The air filled with smoke and fire as the ship shook with each blast of the array of cannons. When the chaos had cleared, Tetra slowly lowered her scope. All that remained were slivers of ice floating up and down on the sea.

Tetra turned to her mother. "How did it know my name?"

"Because," the ship's figurehead replied. "You're not meant to be here." The blond boy's head had replaced the figurehead's…head. "You're meant to –" The boy looked down at himself. "Whoa. I'm a girl."

Her mother drew her pistol and fired. The wooden head exploded in a shower of splinters.

"DUUN-DUN."

Tetra and her mother exchanged glances.

"What's that?" she asked.

"DUUN-DUN."

Her mother shrugged. "It sounds like a tune. A foreboding, menacing tune…"

"SHARK!" cried the ship's lookout.

The two women rushed to the ship's rail and looked over. A shark fin was heading toward them. It was also humming the aforementioned foreboding, menacing tune.

"DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-"

The great white shark leapt into the air, its tail wagging, spilling saltwater over the heads of Tetra and her mother before landing on the deck with a wet thud.

Tetra stared. The boy's face stared back from atop the shark's body.

"Captain," he said. "We need to get back to the Grand-S."

Tetra's head swam. "Grand…S…?"

"The world is relying on us."

Tetra slowly shook her. "But…I'm happy here…" She felt her heart would tear in two if she had to leave.

Her mother snarled. She pulled a dagger free from a leather sheathe, then plunged it into the strange shark's hide.

"Right," the boy growled. "I've just about had enough of you."

The shark morphed into the young man's true form –

And then punched her mother in the face.

"Ha!" he said.

He punched her again.

"See how you like it!"

And again.

"How's that feel?" Punch. "Huh?" Punch. "HUH?"

"Link!" cried Tetra. "Stop hitting my mother!"

"Hey!" said Link, grinning. "You remember!"

The phantasm that was Tetra's mother wiped her bleeding mouth with her sleeve. "You won't take her, cur."

Link narrowed his eyes. "Don't try to flatter me, lady."

"I-" The woman blinked. "What?"

"Grand-S…" breathed Tetra. "We need to get back…" Her mind whirled. She saw her 'mother' bare her teeth, hissing, before diving in at Link again. "Think different…it's just a story…we can just…"

* * *

"– leave."

The Grand-S tore up out of the Negative's grip, ripping the enemy's steel fists apart. Tetra and Link grit their teeth within the shuddering cockpit as the whine of the engines grew to a howl. Everything rattled violently. Broken shards of metal fell from the Grand's wounds.

"Ha haaaaaaa!" cried Tetra.

"Nicely done, Captain," Link replied.

" _How…?"_ the Negative-S said. " _How?! You're nothing but pathetic flesh."_

Tetra and Link ignored it. They sped past the clouds, the land falling away further and further behind them. Up and up Tetra and Link pushed the machine, the engines droning louder and louder as they went higher and higher and –

Tetra gasped. "Hyrule is _round_ …?!"

"Never mind that now," said Link. "You know what to do."

The Grand turned slowly as it came to a standstill. Tetra peered down. She saw the Negative-S as a tiny dot floating above the volcano's crater far below.

 _Perfect._

" _Come back heeeeere!"_ the Negative-S yelled.

Clouds swirled in the air beneath the Grand's boots. The world curved below them, a perfect blue sphere.

Tetra was almost overwhelmed by the sight.

Almost.

"Hey," she called, her voice amplified through the Grand's mouth. "What's it like being flattened by a triple line break?"

The Negative's tinny voice called back. "What…?"

Tetra grinned. "Just watch, sweetie."

 **TRIPLE**

* * *

 **LINE**

* * *

 **BREAK**

* * *

 **!**

The Negative-S ploughed into the volcano under the weight of the triple breaks, pulverising the mountain itself and finally exploding, spraying rock, lava and steel in every direction. The whole island shook. Smoke smouldered over a deep crater now littered with metallic debris and tiny fires.

They weren't done yet, though.

The Grand-S turned toward the moon. Its left fist grew bigger. And bigger.

 **And bigger.**

Tetra and Link drew back the Grand's left arm. "TASTE," they shouted in unison, "JUSTICE!"

A huge boom echoed through the entire universe as the huge steel fist connected with the moon. The arm tore free of its metal socket. The moon went spinning away, makeshift face evaporating. They watched as it slowly took its rightful place back in the night sky.

"We did it!" cried Tetra. "That was insane!"

"That's how we roll!" Link replied "Yeah! We even got air in space…"

Alarms began to blare all over the Grand-S. More red lights flashed. "Overload!" shouted Link. "We're breaking up!"

The Grand's head snapped away from the neck. Rivets shot out from the rest of the body, each pushed out by a burst of steam. Each of the other three limbs broke away. The torso collapsed into itself with a soft _whoomph._

The silver head of the Grand-S, complete with the panicked screams of Tetra and Link, tumbled back towards land.


	23. Twenty-Three

**23\. Twenty-Three**

"Ah," said Link as he stood on the _Harkinian's_ deck, a steaming tankard in his hand. "Time skip. Welcome back."

Senza, working the ship's wheel under a bright, summery sky, glanced behind. "What's that, Cap'n?"

"Steady as she goes, big man," Link replied softly. He sat himself down in the captain's chair. The hot, sharp sunlight made him squint slightly. "Let me fill you guys in. It's been twenty-three months since the whole punching-the-moon-back-into-its-place saga. Hence the chapter title. Not that the chapter titles haven't been totally random so far." He frowned. "Or is that totes random? I'm not up to speed with the latest lingo."

Gonzo walked past the captain's chair, frowning. "Who you talking to?"

"Uh," said Link. "Captain's log. Stardate –" Gonzo's eyes thinned. "Just…just captain's log."

Gonzo shook his head and walked off. Link leaned back in the chair and resumed talking. "Turns out that dropping Flame People through a volcano doesn't actually kill them. Who knew, huh?" Link took a sip from his drink. " _Also_ turns out that Baron Von JoBo was a flamer in disguise. Meaning, he didn't die. He actually showed up when me, Tetra, and the Grand's head splashed-down in the Great Sea." Link took another sip, and swallowed. "You can guess where this is going, right?"

Niko stopped beside the captain's chair and handed Link a scroll. "Thanks," he said. "So this chair, yeah? It's the one I used in the Grand-S. Had it installed on the deck. Think it gives me authority. And boosts morale - reminds us of our greatest victory, y'know? What do you say, Niko?"

"You look like a ridiculous landlubbing swabbie sitting in that big, metal chair in the middle of the deck."

"Right," Link replied in a sour voice. "Thanks."

He picked up a quill then scribbled something onto the parchment before handing it back. Link waited until the young pirate had left before speaking again. "I should backtrack. Not only was the Baron a flamer in disguise, all the Flame People transferred themselves into his body when we totally smashed the Negative-S. That was actually the good news. The bad? He only went and kidnapped Tetra."

"Land ahoy!" called Zuko from the crow's nest above.

Link leaned forward. "We've been spending the last two years or so trying to find her. In the meantime, they made me acting captain." He sighed. "I didn't want it. In fact, I still want to run for the hills. But I guess that's character development for you. Doesn't work the same in your world, does it? You take two steps forward, then one back, then three forward, then two back. But I digress…"

Link gulped down more of his drink. "We've tracked her to that island. Right there." He pointed. And pointed. The sea breeze made his long, dark captain's coat flutter. Link closed his eyes. "No…no…don't look at me. Look there. _There._ "

Senza steered the ship toward an island emerging from the horizon. It was cloaked in a shimmering haze of heat distortion, and populated by an immense rainforest. Exotically coloured birds flew overhead.

"So you guys missed a lot," said Link. "It was all very epic. We had other adventures as well. Like that one time with the sparkly vampires. Shame the writer's a lazy bum or you could have –"

The ship lurched. The rest of Link's drink leapt into the air. His eyes widened as he realised it was about to splash back down on his face. Kicking with his foot, Link sent his chair into a half-spin. The liquid splattered down onto the deck. Steam drifted off of the stain.

" _Fine,_ " said Link through gritted teeth. "The writer's not a lazy bum. This was _so_ obviously all in the plan." He set the mug down, then scratched the side of his head. "One thing I still don't get, though. Why is the story still called Pirate Smash…?"

Zuko's voice broke through his musings. "Ship off the starboard-side!"

Link gripped the sides of the chair and turned it to face the oncoming vessel. It was a galleon. Its cannons – twelve of them, he counted - were out and glistened in the sun.

"Zuko…?" called Link.

"They're chasing a little boat," he shouted back. "A row boat."

Link squinted. There it was: a tiny, overcrowded boat bobbing up and down on the choppy waters as they frantically tried to escape the galleon.

"Cap'n…?" said Senza, looking over his shoulder.

"Intercept," Link replied, then raised his voice. "Battle stations!"

Gonzo stepped up to his side and began ringing a bell. The sails snapped taut. Cannons rattled out of the ship's right side.

"Watch my varnish," said Harkinian. "I want to be looking my best when we find Captain Tetra."

Gonzo leaned down toward Link. "You sure about this…?" he said. "We don't even know what's goin' on."

"Let's find out," Link replied softly.

The air rocked with the sound of eleven cannons firing, twice in succession, and one just firing once.

Zuko yelled. "They're aimin' at -!"

Twenty-six spinning cannonballs ploughed into the _Harkinian._ Wood splintered, ropes snapped, and the whole ship rocked violently. Link dug his fingertips into the chair's armrests, his body jolted this way and that.

Harkinian's bow dipped. Foamy seawater spilled over the wooden planks of the deck. Sailcloth tore.

"Arrgh!" the ship screamed. "My masts! They're my best feature!"

"Zuko!" shouted Link. "Get down here!" He needed everyone together in case the worst came to the worst. "And Senza – get us to that island!"

"Aye aye!" the helmsman cried back. He set the ship's wheel into a spin.

Smoke drifted across the deck. "No casualties," said Gonzo, looking around. "Cannons are still pointed their way."

"Fire," said Link.

"Fire!" shouted Gonzo.

The ship shook with a jolt. Its cannons flared into life – just as the galleon let loose another volley. The air turned black and orange as the two sets of projectiles met. A dark cloud bloomed out from the resulting explosion.

A few cannonballs made it, though. Harkinian's splashed harmlessly wide. The galleon's, though, punctured the pirate ship straight in the hill.

Gonzo gripped the back of Link's chair. "But we're taking on water. We won't make it. It's impossible."

"That's what we do best," Link replied.

"Not this time," Gonzo growled with a short shake of his head. "We should abandon ship."

"What?" cried Harkinian. "Deserting me in my hour of need?" The rear masts collapsed onto deck with a shuddering crash. "Oh my, this is terrible. Oh, the humanity!"

Gonzo's face was set rigid with determination. "We're not wizards. We can't magic our way out of this."

"Don't be such a Muggle, Gonzo." Link leaned back in his chair again, one hand resting on one armrest, the other stroking his chin. The captain had to be calm, even if inside he felt like he was drowning. That's what he'd learned from Tetra.

Zuko, Niko and Mako joined Gonzo and Link. The acting captain closed his eyes –

And plucked the words out of the air.

The split sailcloth on the foremast bloomed impossibly into life as the wind caught hold. A gust blew, driving Harkinian onward toward the island.

"How the heck did that happen?" Senza cried.

Link opened his eyes. "I used the Force."

The galleon fired again, sending twenty-three more cannonballs hurtling towards them. Link stood, peering through the smoke to see the island's shore just tantalizingly out-of-reach. They might make it if they all jumped. But the ship…

Link heard the falling whistle of the approaching cannonballs. He moved to again change the narrative -

"Tell Tetra…" said Harkinian in firm, quiet voice. "Tell her, I –"

The ship shattered.


	24. Meta

**24\. Meta**

Link clung like a barnacle to a broken plank of wood as the softly sloshing waves took him past floating debris and dumped him on the white sandy shore of the island. He coughed, spluttering, briny seawater spilling from his mouth and hanging ungracefully from his chin.

He wasn't the only one with a coughing problem, either.

Palms sinking into the warm sand, Link looked up to see that Mako was on his knees nearby, his face flushed a deep, beetroot red.

Link sprang to his feet. Sand flew from under his boots as he skidded to a halt beside the diminutive pirate. "Stay with me, Mako," said Link. "No one chokes on my watch." Another thing he'd learned from Tetra about being captain. "Everyone's special to me."

Mako, his eyes bloodshot from behind his glasses, began pointing to his mouth. "K-k-k…" he stammered.

"Spit it out," said Link. "I'll help you. Just tell me what you need."

"K-k-kisss…l-life…"

Link blinked. He sat back and sucked on the inside of his cheek. "Come to think of it," he said slowly. "You're not really _that_ important to the crew."

Mako gave a long, noisy wheeze.

"In fact, we'd probably get along just fine without you."

Mako gagged. Link gave him a friendly thump on the back.

Seaweed went flying out of the small pirate's mouth. He gasped, inhaling deeply. "Th-thanks, Captain."

"Yeah," said Link, trying his best not to look too suspicious. He coughed as he cleared his throat. "Don't mention it."

Mako puffed his cheeks in relief. "Um. Where is everyone…?"

"That's what we need to find out," Link replied. "We were all together when the ship went –"

"No," Mako cut in. He took off his glasses and used his shirt to wipe them clean. "Um. Nudge wasn't."

Link closed his eyes. He felt one temple start to throb. How could he have forgotten Nudge? Tetra never would have. "Where was he?"

"Below-deck," said Mako. "Guarding Miss Tetra's room. Like, um, he usually does."

"Right." Link sighed. He looked out to sea. In the distance, he saw the receding dot of the galleon. Floating upon the waves was the shattered remains of the row boat that it had been chasing. "Some rescue. Lost the ship. Lost the crew."

"Um," said Mako. "We do the impossible, remember?" He blushed slightly. "I always remember you saying that." He pushed his glasses up his nose. "It, um, helped when I thought things were getting bad."

Link blinked in surprise. "Hey." A slow smile began to spread. "Yeah. You're right." He stood up. Steel flooded his voice. "Ours is not a caravan of despair."

"What is this place…?" said Mako, looking around. The sea spilled onto the shore nearby. "Are we... _lost?_ Are we... _castaways_?"

"Only if we encounter a basketball named Wilson," Link replied. "But I think I know the secret of this place." He pointed. "It's a Monkey Island."

Mako looked to where Link indicated. A giant, obsidian structure in the shape of a monkey's head peeked out from the top of the rainforest. Vines and lichen covered its otherwise smooth, marble-black exterior.

"Um," said Mako. "Now that the galleon's gone, we should start a fire. The others might, um, see the smoke."

"Good plan, Mako," said Link. "Let's do it."

"We could, um, use bits of the ship for firewood…?"

Link rubbed his chin. "Let's…not," he said. "He was an annoying pervert ship like Roflcopter said in that review, but he was one of us. Let's not burn him."

"Um," said Mako. "What's a Roflcopter?"

"A question I have asked myself many a-time, Mr Mako," said Link. "Not as many times as I was kept up late at night wondering how a female hamster could be named Vladimir. Now that's a blast from the past."

"I suppose we could go into the forest to see if there's any, um, wood lying around," said Mako. "Or even to that Monkey temple thing. Maybe the others might gather there...?"

"Good thinking," said Link. "You know I've always considered you the most valuable member of the crew."

As they approached the perimeter of the forest, they heard the sounds of hoots, slithers and hisses.

"It's like, um, what Senza used to tell me," said Mako. "Like the breath of the wild."

"Don't make me kill you."

"Heh," said Mako with a nervous tremor in his voice. "You're, um, funny, Captain. You slay me."

"Oh, you _want_ me to kill you?"

Mako hurried into the forest.

Link followed at a slower pace. The sounds were revealed the deeper they went under the thick, green canopy of huge leaves. Snakes with flicking tongues curled under the shade. Birds with huge beaks called from high up in the trees as the now fading sunlight tried to flit through.

Link caught up to Mako. The little pirate was looking up through his glasses, one hand twisting one lens. "It's going to, um, get dark soon," he said. "And I've, um, lost sight of the Monkey."

"You'll find it," Link replied with a quiet certainty.

There was a shivering rustle in the undergrowth behind them. Link and Mako exchanged glances then slowly turned around.

A cloaked, armoured spherical being glared back at them with burning yellow eyes. Something hooted far above, breaking the sudden, tense silence.

"At last we meet, Link," said the newcomer.

Link cocked his head to one side. "Hey," he said. "Do I know you?"

"Of course you do," it replied. "Don't pretend now. Or has your wannabe Deadpool act finally waned? Gimmick infringement. Cardinal sin in a narrative."

"What's he mean, Captain?" Mako hissed in a quiet voice.

Link's steely glare didn't leave the newcomer. "He's a Flamer," he said. "That means Tetra is nearby. He must be some kind of..." Link looked the being up and down, noting the cloak and armour again. "Some kind of Meta Knight."

"I see what you did there," said the Meta Knight. "Now witness what I can do -"

Do.

Do.

Do.

Link spluttered as the forest soil clogged his mouth. He was pinned to the ground, Mako next to him, with the Meta Knight standing on their backs.

"Wh-what happened?" gasped Mako.

"He hijacked the narrative," Link replied. "He's good. But two can play-"

Ay.

Ay.

Ay.

Now it was Link and Mako standing on the Meta Knight's back. "You think you're real smart, don't you?" said Link. "But you're not smart. You're dumb. Very dumb." He pressed down hard with his boot. "But you've met your match in me."

"Congratulations," spat the knight. "Now let's end this -"

This.

This.

This.

The Meta Knight had one arm wrapped around Mako's throat. His other hand held a dagger, its tip pushed against the small pirate's neck.

"We can do this all day, Link" said the knight. "Or you can just walk away. After all, what do you care? This little runt's just a useless piece of fiction." Mako's eyes grew as he struggled in the knight's grasp. "You were already willing to let him choke. That's how serious you are, little toon. Walk away. Go find your other friends. And I'll leave you be, toon boy."

Link's eyes flicked from the Meta Knight to Mako's panicked face. "In case you haven't noticed," he said softly, his fingers flexing. "This little toon's all grown up now-"

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Mako stepped away from the Meta Knight and, for the second time that day, gasped as he took in deep lungfuls of cool, fresh air.

"Wh-what happened...?" he breathed. Mako turned around. The Meta Knight was still standing there. The arm that had held him now lay on the floor. And the knight himself was missing -

"His head," said Mako. "Um. Where's his head?"

Link sidled up to him. "What head?"

"Mmmphhh!" said a muffled voice.

"That..." said Mako. "Um. That sounded like the, um, Meta Knight."

"Did it?"

"Yes!"

"Mmmmpphh!"

"Oh, that head," said Link. "You should've said."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmphhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Let's just say," said Link, "He'll be tasting something a little bit other than justice right about now."

"MMMPHH!"

Mako blinked. He pinpointed the source of the voice. Slowly, he walked around the knight. He faced the knight's back. Mako's gaze tracked down - then stopped.

His eyes bulged. "OH. MY -"

Link grabbed him by the wrist. "We're outta here."


	25. Bryce

**25\. Bryce**

They were lost. As darkness fell, Link and Mako realised that they could no longer see the Monkey Temple. Finding a clearing under the pale moonlight, they settled down for the night, using fallen twigs and dry leaves for a makeshift fire. The flames weren't bright enough to attract the attention of any stray crew liked they'd hoped, and the dark smoke was swallowed quickly by the blackness of night.

Link sat with his back against a tree trunk as Mako gazed up into the sky. The forest teemed with hissing, croaking life all around them.

Mako took a small, shivery breath. "It still gives me, um, the creeps," he said.

Link glanced up. "The moon…?"

Mako hugged himself as a cool breeze blew. "Yeah. I still can't believe you and, um, Miss Tetra saved us all."

"It was mostly all Tetra," Link replied. "Try not to think about it, though."

Mako turned to him. "Why?" he said. "Because we're just, um, fictional characters…? That's how you, um, do the impossible?"

Link took a deep breath. "You heard that, hey?" he said. Link shook his head. "Don't take what the Meta Knight said to-"

"I'm not stupid," Mako cut in, his voice hot. He glared.

"No," said Link softly. "You're not. It even says so in your wiki." Silence hung between them before Link spoke again. "How do you feel about it?"

Mako looked down, then shrugged. "It is what it is." Another moment of silence passed. "Does Miss Tetra know…?"

"She…did." Link swallowed. "When she was connected to me in the Grand-S. But when the Grand went down, so did everything she learnt."

"Oh," said Mako. "Right." Another pause. "When you and the Knight were, um, changing the uh…"

"Narrative."

"Yeah. That. Didn't it occur to… to, um, either of you to just skip to the end…?"

"I guess because the narrative didn't give me the idea to do so."

Mako looked at him again. "So we're not really in control…?"

"I try not to think about it," said Link. A snake rattled somewhere nearby. "Get a headache. All I know is that I _feel_ in control and _feel_ like it's me making my choices."

"Because it, um, feels real…?"

Link shrugged. "What's real, anyway?" His voice turned wistful. "The people reading this. Are they really real? They think they are."

Mako looked out at the heavens in wonder. "Readers…" he breathed. The popping flames cast orange shadows on his face. "Do they like the…story?"

"All I know," said Link, "is that one of them likes chickens. And I think another's a changeling."

Mako pursed his lips in thought.

"I miss my sister," said Link suddenly. "I miss my Grandma. That feels real to me. I want…" The image of domestic bliss that he'd experienced under the Flame People's spell came back to him. Link shook his head. "It doesn't matter what I want."

A branch snapped in the distance. Mako and Link locked eyes.

"Looks like philosophy class is over," said Link quickly as he stood up. "And it's back to the action."

Mako's eyes darted as he searched their surroundings. "What is it?" he said. "Um. The Meta Knight…?"

They heard the sound of something shuffling their away.

"I don't think so," Link replied. "Think we won't be revisiting that." He began looking around as well. "Hmm. Night time. Tropical island." His voice dropped. "You thinking what I'm thinking, Mako?"

"It's dark and we're easy targets…?"

"No," said Link. "We're up against a T-Rex."

"A what?"

Link was distracted. "Must be a dinosaur theme park somewhere around here." He inhaled. "Mako."

"Yeah?"

"Do not, and I repeat, _do not_ hide in an outdoor toilet." More twigs snapped as the thing drew closer. They felt a slight tremble beneath their boots. "Or maybe it's an Indominous. Do you know what that would mean? Do you have any idea?"

Mako's voice became a squeak. "What?"

"You'd be the Bryce Dallas Howard to my Chris Pratt."

"Um. I hear words coming out of your mouth," said Mako. "But my brain can't, um, comprehend them. At all."

The thing revealed itself, shuffling into view, pale face and arms dropping.

"Oh," said Link, blinking. "That's disappointing."

The thing drew back its head, roared, and revealed razor-sharp fangs. Claws sprang from its fingers.

"Well," said Link. "You look fun. But we really can't stay." He watched as the thing crouched, muscles under its flaking skin rippling. "It's a zombie. Move!"

They dived out of harm's way just as the snarling zombie leapt.

Link landed in a roll, drew himself up to one knee, retrieved his boomerang from his hat, and threw.

The spinning weapon clocked the zombie on the head before returning to Link's hand. The zombie slowly turned its head, and hissed.

"Um," said Mako. "Think it's angry now."

"Run!" cried Link. "Run! Run!"

Mako did, Link at his heels, the captain spinning every-so-often to keep track of the undead monster.

"When when, um, when I get scared," said Mako, huffing. "I ask, um, questions to distract myself."

"Nice to know, Mr Mako," Link replied.

"So, um, Captain? What is it you were going to say you really wanted…?"

"Right now?" said Link. "Jill Valentine."

Mako shook his head and pulled something from his pocket. "Compass."

Link craned to look as he ran. "Compass. Great. You can find the temple with that. Right?"

Mako chewed his lower lip.

" _Right?_ "

Mako smiled. "Rela-"

They fell through a moss-covered false opening in the ground. Mako and Link struck a damp, rocky floor below. Water trickled somewhere unseen. It was a tunnel. One that was beginning to rumble.

" _Now_ what?" cried Mako.

Link spotted what was coming in the distance. His eyes widened. "Raiders."

"Where?" said Mako, his head darting left-and-right. "Who are the –" His voice gurgled as he spotted it, too. "A…giant…rolling…boulder…?"

"Run."

And they did.

Mako glanced upward. "Can't…we…-" he huffed, "…find…a…way…um…back…up…? Like…just…jump…?"

Link shook his head. "Do we look like mushroom-addled Italian plumbers?"

The vine-strewn path curved upward and the tunnel trembled as the boulder followed. Link flung a glance behind him. The rock was so close now he could see the pockmarks on its grey, stony surface. He looked back ahead. A light peeked into view.

It was a doorway.

Link swiped his hat from his head, then pulled out his grappling hook. Closer and closer came the opening, and closer and closer chased the rock. Link threw the rope. He felt the hook catch – on the ceiling of the new room beyond, he hoped - and pulled the line tight.

They went through the doorway. The floor fell away. Mako screamed. Link grabbed him in mid-air. "Hold on," he growled.

The rope swung downward then back up. The boulder shot out of the opening behind them, plummeted, and bounced once, then twice before rolling away.

Link and Mako landed on a stone ledge. "Phew," said Link. "Close escape. And rescued the fair maiden, too."

"I'm, um, not a maiden."

"You're not?" gasped Link. "Who was it?"

"Um."

Link grinned. "Hey. Relax," he said, giving the little pirate a playful thump on the shoulder. "I'm only joking."

"I can never tell," said Mako quietly.

They both began to look around at their new surroundings. It was a large empty room with every inch of it plated in gold. Myriad open doorways lined the perimeter. Up above, the room curved up into the shape of a –

"Monkey head," said Link. "We did it. Well done, Bryce. Great job."

"So, um," said Mako. He scratched his nose. "We just came up through –"

"Simian bowels, yeah."

"And, um, that rock –"

"Gallstone." Without missing a beat, Link went on. "Let's go find our friends."


	26. Doom

**26\. Doom**

A sound floated toward Link and Mako from the passageway behind them. They turned, peering into the yawning gold-lined tunnel. The hollow echo of metal _chinking_ against something solid cut a rhythmic beat through the air.

Mako gave a small sigh. "Into the tunnel?"

Link nodded. "You've got that right."

They followed the passage into the depths of the Monkey Temple. Torches hung from the walls, casting a wan, flickering light. Cobwebs stretched across the ceiling. The sound grew as they approached.

"It's," said Mako, "multiplying."

"Electrifying."

"Huh?"

Link gestured ahead instead of replying. Mako looked. The tunnel was coming to an end. A chorus of chopping metal met their ears.

"Um," said Mako. "They sound like axes."

Link nodded. "Pick-axes. Diggers." He began to crouch as the passageway opened out into the new cavern. "Let's keep a low profile, hey?"

They did. The two pirates found themselves on a rocky outcropping that looked out over a hive of bustling activity. Dirty and chained men, women and even children hacked away at the walls with their axes.

As they watched, they heard the shuffle of feet behind them. They spun – to see two small boys looking back at them with wide eyes, their faces coated in grime.

Mako's hand dropped to his dagger. "They'll reveal us!"

"Wait," said Link. The two boys stared back. Link felt the tug of a ghostly memory but cast it aside to focus.

"Keep hold of, um, your money, Captain," Mako whispered. "They could be thieves."

Link looked the pair up and down, noting how their bones stood our clearly under their thin skin.

"It's alright," he said quietly. "I think they need it more than us."

Without another word, the duo scampered off, running down a winding path that led to the cavern floor. Link and Mako tracked them as they pulled an axe each out from a pile and went to work on the walls. The girl looked up at the two pirates and put a finger to her lips, then smiled.

"I think we're safe, Mr Mako," said Link.

Mako was already scanning the rest of the mine. "Um. What is this place…?"

"It's like a temple of doom," said Link. He started as a sudden thought came to him. "Oh no. Temple of doom. Monkey head." He turned to Mako. "Do you know what this means?"

"What?"

"Chilled monkey brains!"

" _What?_ "

"That's what they have for dessert!"

" _What?!"_

Link shook his head. "Don't…don't mind me," he said, distracted. "It was an old flick anyway. Still better than Crystal Skull, though."

"Hey…" said Mako as he peered over the edge. "Hey! Captain, look!"

Link did. In one corner of the mine, all joined together by a single chain, was the rest of his crew. "Well-spotted, Mako." Link began to muse. "Raiders. Temple of Doom. Monkey Island. It's like we're in Lucas world."

"Um," said Mako. "What's a Lucas world? Is it bad?"

"It is," said Link in a dark voice. "If we run into Jar Jar."

Mako shrank back. "What's a Jar Jar…?"

"You don't want to know," Link replied, shaking his head. "You really don't."

"So, um," said Mako. "Shall we get down there? Free our mates?"

"Sure," said Link. He gave the diminutive pirate a pointed look. "You go on ahead."

"Me?"

"Mmm-hmm."

Mako hesitated. "Why me?"

"In case there's a trap."

"But," the little pirate said, "Then, um –"

"You can stop that now." Link flexed his fingers. "Two things I thought were a bit weird. First, the Meta Knight's weird ultimatum. Leave you to him, and I could walk away."

"Captain," said Mako. "We've got no time. Um, we should get –"

"And second," Link cut in. "How easily you accepted you were just a work of fiction. Sure, the narrative _could've_ written you like that, but you didn't even mention it this chapter. And I know this writer. Always likes the character-isn't-really-what-they-seem trope."

Link took a step forward. "Isn't that right, Flame boy?"

Mako stared for a long moment. He held Link's stare, then, suddenly, his face collapsed into a sneer, his eyes bursting alight with flame. "When did you guess?"

"Bro, come on," said Link. "You just happen to fall into the tunnel that leads to the temple where the rest of the crew is?"

"Our lives are full of those little coincidences, are they not?"

"Oh, villain voice now, is it?" Link replied.

"Are we just going to converse in questions now?

"I don't know, are we?"

"Didn't I just ask you that?"

"Can't you see that I'm the one asking the questions?"

"STOP IT!"

Link smiled. "You know, it's a shame. I thought we were really bonding. When I believed you were the real Mako, that is. Speaking of, where is he?"

"We collected the whole of your crew when your ship sank," the Flame-Mako said. "Your little friend we put with Princess Zelda."

"Tetra," said Link. "She's here." Another thought came to him. "The galleon that fired on us. One of yours?"

The Flame-Mako nodded. "I think you'll find the occupants of the row-boat it was chasing are right here in this mine."

"What's all the digging for?"

The Flame-Mako smiled a thin smile. "This island has a special metal. We need it for a new Negative-S."

"Second Death Star plot arc," said Link. "Boring. Looks like you guys need to be retired. So why this whole charade?"

"The Baron became aware that you only defeated us because you had been given our powers." The Flame-Mako's burning eyes flickered. "We wished to study you."

"And what did you learn, hey?"

"That your character has grown somewhat since the defeat of the first Negative-S."

"Had to become more responsible," Link replied. "Being the acting captain."

"Or," the Flame-Mako countered. "It means the narrative favours you. And that makes you dangerous. Author protection, and the like." He smirked "I, on the other hand, believe you're an idiot. No offence."

"Lots taken."

The Flame-Mako stepped up to Link. "Nice. Passive-aggressiveness. I believe that shows you how hopeless your sit-"

Link snapped his fist into the Flamer's face. The Flame-Mako reeled back.

"Passive enough for you?"

The Flame-Mako looked up, glaring.

"I have a message," he spat. "We're taking your crew to the Baron. Your princess is there, too. Find us. This story's called Pirate Smash, so the Baron thinks it's only fitting that you and he have one last Smash. His narrative-bending skills against yours. Winner takes all."

"Find you?" said Link with a frown. "You're right h-"

"Goodbye, Mr Bond."

The ground beneath Link's boots vanished.


	27. Milk

**27\. Milk**

"Yet another damp tunnel," said Link. Looking up, he saw the jagged opening through which he'd just dropped. A lichen-carpeted floor had softened his fall. He could still hear the faint sound of pickaxes against rock. There was no sign of the Flame-Mako.

"So, then," he said. "On my own again. Sweet. Me time. A little self-reflection." He looked around. Only the hole from above was providing any light, and that was pale and faint. "Except I'm not alone, am I? You guys are watching me. _Always_ watching me." Link glared.

He crouched to pick up a thin stick. He waved it theatrically in front of him. " _Lumos!"_

Nothing happened.

With a sigh, Link threw the stick over his shoulder. "Well. It was worth a shot."

Link took a step into the darkness. Lichen crunched under his boots.

"Oh, hey," he said. "I see Cylex has left a review asking to be in the story. But Cylex, I'm on my own, so I can't see how the narrative can fit you in. I'm thinking, though. Cylex, Cylex, Cylex. Nope. It's not coming to me. Afraid you won't be getting a mention, Cylex."

Link walked further into the gloom. "Ask me if I'm worried," he said. "Go on."

He craned his neck sideways to hear. "Fine. Don't then. I'm not, by the way. Worried, that is."

Link kept on walking despite the murk. "Everything is as the narrative wants it to be. Trust me, it'll go a little like this: Find torch. Find empty torch. Stick. Light the stick. Light second torch. And _then:_ DO-DO-DO-do-do-do-DO-DEH." Link sniffed. "That was the 'puzzle solved' sound, by the way" He nodded happily. "I love that little ditty."

The darkness surrounded him. "The torch will show up. Any minute now. Annyy minute." Link exhaled again. "I hate talking this much. It's only because I don't want you all to get bored. How you guys doing, anyway?"

Link came to a stop with a jolt. "Whoa. Not all at once, please," he said. "I didn't ask for your life stories." He shook his head. "Honestly, some people."

Something struck Link's foot. He peered down through the gloom. "Ah ha," he said. "A heart container." The glistening muscle thumped from within its transparent pale blue prison. Link looked up, a sheepish expression on his face. "Yes, I eat it. Don't judge. In fact, just look away for a moment, will you?"

 _INTERLUDE_

Sue sat with the Wii U controller held between her legs as she manoeuvred Link to collect the heart container. Her older sister Beth was sitting beside her on the couch, oblivious to both the game and the summer sunshine pouring in through the open windows as she tapped away on her laptop. A warm breeze played with the curtains.

"Hey, Beth," said Sue. "D'you think Link actually eats those hearts?"

"Don't be an idiot," her sister mumbled. "He just absorbs them."

Sue glanced over at her. "What'cha doin?"

Her sister hesitated a moment before answering. "Writing a fanfic."

"Ha," said Sue. "Ha-ha-ha-ha! You write fanfic! Neerrrrd!

Beth thumped her on the shoulder. "Shut up!"

Sue sniffed. "So what's it about, then?"

"About the Zelda characters," said Beth, her voice guarded. "In High School."

Sue frowned. "Why the hell would they be in High School…?"

"Shut up," Beth snapped. "Just shut up. You don't understand. People love it. I've almost got a thousand reviews. And this is a big scene. Sheik declares his love for Link."

Sue's frown deepened. "Sheik's a girl."

"No. _No._ You're just ruining it. It's _so_ obvious Sheik's a guy, and they just made him Zelda so they could act all clever. They don't know what they're doing." She looked at the screen. "God, can't believe you still play that cartoony game."

Sue looked hurt. "What's wrong with it?"

"Look at it. Just look at it. That isn't Link. Link's a real man. A slab of hotness. Toon Link is just…just so baby-ish."

Sue began to seethe. "He shows more expression. He has _personality._ "

"Hel- _lo,_ " Beth taunted. "He doesn't need personality. You think Breath of the Wild Link has personality? Nuh-uh." Her voice dropped. "One day, he'll be mine. Oh, yes."

"He's not real!"

"You're not real!"

"Wha-"

 _INTERLUDE ENDS_

Link wiped his mouth with sleeve. "That tasted horrible," he mumbled. "But I feel replenished. Onwards, my friends."

A faint light smudged the darkness up ahead. Link smiled. "Heh. See? Torch."

Indeed it was, burning as it sat in a tall holder set upon a short, squat granite pillar. An empty torch, blackened and cold, stood in a holder coated in grey ash next to it. A dirt-encrusted Deku stick lay at Link's feet. He stooped down to pick it up, then set one end against the lit torch.

Wood sizzled, and the flame popped and hissed as it caught. Link quickly swung the stick over to the second torch.

DO-DO-DO-do-do-do-DO-DEH.

Link grinned. "Oh _yeah_."

The chamber was now suddenly illuminated in full. "It's like," said Link, " as though one torch could only cast a faint glow, but two together have the power of a huge spotlight Amazing."

Link found that he was no longer alone in the newly revealed room. A cow stood there silently, its tail swishing as it chewed away, oblivious to Link's presence.

Link blinked. "Well," he said. "I…I don't know what to say."

The cow mooed.

"Nope. That wasn't it." His thoughts raced. "This isn't Ocarina of Time. And I don't have a bottle. So no milk." He stepped closer and eyed the creature warily. "But why is this here…? An evil spirit trapped in the form of a humble animal…? A sentient, higher being who brings wisdom and -"

The cow mooed again.

"You're basically just a cow, aren't you?"

Link stepped around it. There was a smooth, stone door on the other side of the room. He took one last glance at the cow. "Hey, you guys. Do you ever wonder how people originally learned to milk a cow?" he mused. "What were they thinking that very first time? And then why did they drink the results afterward?"

The cow paused mid-chew. It looked at Link with large, docile liquid-brown eyes. Link looked back.

Then, suddenly, the cow stood up on its hind legs, growing larger and larger as it did so. Steam hissed out of its ears. Its eyes first turned red, then the colour of flame. The cow roared, flinging slime from a mouth now set with razor-sharp teeth.

A string of words appeared beneath the cow:

'Belligerent Bovine: Cow-A-Dunga.'

Link's jaw dropped open. "****!" he said. "A boss!"

The cow took a swing with a clawed hoof. Link dived into a roll, crying "****!" as he pushed the K+ rating to its limit.

Link pressed his back against a damp wall and looked up at the cow-creature with wide, panic-filled eyes. The cow stomped toward him, its movements awkward and bow-legged. With a snarl, it took another swing.

"****!"

Link ducked. The cow took a chunk out of the wall. Debris rained down Link's back. He glanced up. And his eyes came to rest on a target.

"The udders," he growled, determination flooding his veins. Link stood, taking his hat off of his head, and then producing first his boomerang – which he stuffed in between his belt – and then his grappling hook out of it.

The cow gasped, realising instantly what Link was planning. With a steely look in his eye, Link began swinging the rope. The cow hopped from one foot to the other in an attempt to distract the Outset pirate, then lunged in desperation.

Link spun away from the attack, the cow's kung-pow fist shattering rock instead, but lost his aim. The grappling hook clattered to the ground. He pulled on the rope, the metal hook scraping the hard, rocky floor, then swung it into the air again.

Link threw. The cow dodged. Sparks flew as the hook struck a wall.

Seething, Link pulled the rope back again and narrowed his eyes. He aimed.

 _Whup-whup-whup._ The spinning hook chopped the air above his head, scattering his blond hair.

The cow watched intently, growling with every heaving breath. It flexed its clawed hooves. Link tensed, waiting, waiting…

And then dropped the rope. The hook hit the floor with a loud _clang._ Cow-A-Dunga flinched, startled.

In that split-second of distraction, Link pulled his boomerang free and threw. "Taste milky justice."

It hit three of the udders in quick succession. Cow-A-Dunga quickly looked down, then up in shock.

Link smiled. "The magic three hits."

He held up a hand and caught the boomerang on its return arc.

Milk shot out of the cow's udders obliterating one wall and sending Cow-A-Dunga flying through the opposite one from the sheer force. The entire chamber shook with every wall the creature continued to fly through, its defiant roar fading little by little.

DO-DO-DO-do-do-do-DO-DEH.

Link turned to see the stone door slide up with a faint rumble. An ascending slope stood within, leading up to daylight beyond.

"Finally," said Link.

* * *

Sue munched on some chips as she watched the TV, transfixed. The flickering images danced in reflection off of her eyes in the darkened room. Beth had gone out to a party earlier in the evening, so it was just Sue who stayed to watch a brand new episode of her favourite show.

"I'm telling you, Scully," said a suit-clad male character. "This artefact has come through from another dimension."

"Mulder," a female replied. "There are no other dimensions. And this isn't an artefact."

"Then what is it?"

The woman hesitated.

"You know, don't you, Scully? Tell me."

Sue leaned forward in anticipation, sending crumbs flying from her lap.

The woman took in a deep breath. "The results just came back from the lab." She paused to lick her lips. "It's a giant, fossilised cow with claws and razor-sharp teeth."

The man inhaled sharply. "A Cowzilla…?"

"Actually," the woman replied. "They're calling it…Cow-A-Bunga."

Sue paused mid-munch and frowned. "I waited months for _this?_ " She picked up the remote and pushed the 'off' button. "They need new writers. Giant, clawed cow. Huh." She shook her head. "Ridiculous. I'm done."


	28. Tetra

**28\. Tetra**

"Let's get serious." Captain Tetra folded her arms and glared. They were stood on a high platform that swayed gently in the wind. The rest of her crew, bar Link, stood to one side. Dark clouds swirled overhead. In front of her was Baron Von JoBo.

The flame-possessed former pirate turned at the sound of her voice. His eyes shone with an otherworldly incandescent glow. "Why, my dear," he said with a grin. Smoke poured out from his open mouth. "This is all so sudden. I thought we'd go casual first."

"Shut up."

The platform rocked under a sudden burst from the wind. Tetra's hair scattered as the air ran through it.

The Baron chuckled. "The sleep serum has worn off, then. Would you believe you've been out for almost two years? How are you feeling?"

"Absolutely average," Tetra replied. Her cheek twitched as she fought to keep her anger in check.

 _Two years? I've been out of it for almost two years?_

"How did _you_ survive?" she asked.

Von JoBo's eyes glowed even brighter, standing out intensely against the background of the dark sky. "Can't you tell, my dear…?"

"Great. Your brain's on fire," said Tetra in an acrid voice. "Whatever. Let my crew go."

"And you," said the Baron. "Let's not forget you. We all know how this works. You, princess, get captured, and Link comes to rescue you." His face took on a hungry look. "Except this time there won't be a happy ending."

"I don't need rescuing," Tetra snapped.

 _I just want to get out of here. So much time wasted because of this moron. And all for…_

"Link…?" She sniffed. "You want Link? Why…?"

"Let's just say we, the Flame People, hold a little vested interest in him." Von JoBo smiled again.

"Listen, Von Bozo –"

"Oh, how original."

"I've been asleep for two years and I'm very cranky. I don't need your riddles."

"You're not as graceful a princess as I expected, my dear."

"Who said I was?" Tetra shot back. "Graceful _or_ a princess." She flicked a quick glance behind the Baron before asking, "What do you want with Link…?"

"There will be one last pirate smash. Myself, with the combined powers of all the Flamers within me, versus Link."

"Fight me instead," said Tetra. "If I win, you let us go."

"I'm afraid you no longer possess that which we need," the Baron replied. "A shame."

She didn't care. Tetra observed his reddened skin, fiery eyes and the smoke drifting off of his entire body.

"So," said Tetra. "All of the Flamers are in you now…?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"How so?"

A gust of wind shrieked overhead. Tetra waited. "Nab him, boys!"

The crew – who had silently crept up behind Von JoBo as he'd been busy talking – grabbed the Baron. Tetra inhaled deeply and smiled again. "Because I've now got you all where I want you. You see? I don't need rescuing."

Senza leaned in close to the Baron and snarled. "What should we do with him, Milady?"

"I could do with a new finger necklace," said Gonzo, glowering.

"Throw him over the side, Miss Tetra," Niko piped in.

The platform swayed again as the wind caught.

"Now now, boys," said Tetra, still smiling. "Let's not get too hasty." She stepped toward their prisoner. "I still have some questi-"

Baron Von JoBo's lips split into a grin –

And everything changed.

Tetra looked around, blinking in confusion. They were back in the rainforest, though now the pirates were each locked within an individual metal cage hanging from the huge, thick leaves of the exotic trees that populated the island. The Baron stood below them, hands clasped behind his back.

"You can't win, my dear," he said. "If you strike me down, I just become more powerful than you can ever imagine."

Tetra glared down at him through the steel bars. It was sunny now – had they travelled in time as well as space? – and her cage was being gently pushed by a warm, humid breeze.

"Magic," she spat. "So you're a warlock."

"Of a sort."

"If you keep shifting, then how the heck will Link find you?"

"He will."

"Will he?"

"He _will_."

"I will."

Tetra blinked. The Baron's brow creased into a frown.

"Wait…" said the captain. "How many of us are in this conversation?"

The Baron sucked the inside of his cheek in thought. "Just…me and you, my dear."

"Right."

"Right. Just the two of you."

The Baron cleared his throat. A bird cawed from somewhere deep within the rainforest. "I think…I think we should do a headcount."

"Right..." said Tetra. "Sure. You go first."

"I'm here," he replied.

"I'm here as well."

"Me too."

Tetra massaged her head with one hand. Her brain was starting to hurt. "Look," she said. "Let's try this again. This time, I'll go first."

"I'll go second."

"I'll phone for pizza."

This time they identified where the voice was coming from.

Baron Von JoBo shielded his eyes and gazed up into Tetra's cage. Tetra herself slowly turned around.

"Stuffed crust?" said Link as he sat cross-legged with a book open in his lap. He slapped his brow with his palm. "No anchovies, right, Captain? I knew I'd forget something. Extra-large, though, yeah?"

Tetra's jaw dropped open. "Link!" she cried. "How'd you get in here?"

Link waved away her question. "Oh, don't mind me. Please, carry on. Apparently, people are sick of me and want to read about you instead. You even get the chapter named after you. Not that I care. Not one bit. Not. Even. Bothered. Doesn't even prey on my every waking moment in the slightest."

"At last!" the Baron sneered. "Now we can –"

"Nope," said Link. "No, no, no. No. I'm just making a cameo. And evening up the odds." He snapped his fingers.

And everything changed again.

Tetra found herself on the ground, the door to her cage wide open. It creaked as the breeze pushed it. The weight around her waist told her instantly that she had her weapons. She frowned. Who had she just been talking to…?

The memory wouldn't come to her. Tetra shook her head.

"What…what…" said the Baron as he clicked his fingers uselessly. "I can't –" His expression dropped. "Wait. I'm fully in the narrative. That means I can be hurt –"

He looked up, gaping, just in time to see Tetra aiming her pistol.

She fired.

The Baron ducked; the bullet shattering a chunk of tree trunk behind him. He ran, and Tetra instantly gave chase, leaping over jutting boulders and fallen logs.

 _No way do you coop me up, coop my crew up, waste two years of my life, and get away with it, buddy._

The thought spurred her on. Tetra fired again. The Baron jerked his head to one side. The bullet shattered a low-hanging branch.

With teeth bared, Tetra sped up. She had to squint to keep the sharp sunlight from piercing her eyes. The heat and the effort had already caused her to break out in a sweat.

Agilely slipping between trees as she ran, Tetra peered ahead. She spotted the Baron turning to look over his shoulder. Her gun hand instinctively flew up and fired off another shot. A flock of birds scattered from the treetops in fright. But the bullet missed yet again.

Tetra hissed in frustration. Something caught her eye. She looked up. Von JoBo was heading toward a structure that was slowly coming into view up ahead. It looked very much like a building in the shape of a monkey. Ornate symbols were carved into the exterior, and thick green vines hung draped over the top.

The Baron spun around. "Please, my dear!" he cried. "If there is a still a part of you that holds any regard for me, then please let it win out now."

Tetra replied by firing again. The Baron ducked with a yelp.

A sudden low rumble emanated from the monkey-shaped building. Both Tetra and the Baron skidded to a halt, though Von JoBo found a huge broken piece of masonry to stand behind. They both looked toward the building.

A door was sliding up. Cool air flew out from the opening with a sigh.

And then Link strode out, munching an apple and leading a dirty, haggard crowd out with him. The assorted crew of men, women and children squinted as they came out into the sunlight.

"Link…" Tetra breathed. "How…?"

"I just went back to free the miners," he said.

"Miners…?"

"I'll explain later." Link turned to the Baron. "Sup?"

The Baron's chest heaved. Tiny flames flickered within the sockets of his eyes. "You," he growled. A bead of sweat rolled into his eye. It hissed as it evaporated. "Now… now we finish this. My narrative-bending skills against yours."

Link took another bite from his apple. "On the contrary, my friend," he said. "I've already used my narrative-bending skills. And that's why _you_ don't have yours anymore."

Link winked.

Shock fell over the Baron's face. "No…" he gasped. "But…"

Tetra knocked back her pistol's hammer with her thumb. She heard the reassuring click of it locking into place. She inched closer towards the Baron's hiding place.

"Didn't you see the character list…?" Link went on. "It's right there under the story listing. Amazed you missed it, to be honest." He munched away for a moment. "Tetra. Just Tetra. That's what it says. It's her story. It always has been."

Von JoBo was slowly shaking his head. "No…no…no…"

Tetra had no idea what Link was talking about, and she didn't care. She just needed him to keep the guy talking so that she could get a clear shot.

"Yup. It's you versus her," said Link. He grinned. "Pirate smash. One last chapter."


	29. Link

**29\. Link**

Tetra pulled the trigger.

The shot cannoned off of the hunk of masonry the Baron stood behind, but missed the target. Von JoBo yelped, then began backpedalling. With a snarl, Tetra leapt onto the masonry and leapt again, swinging her gun arm around to strike. The Baron ducked.

 _Testing…testing. One, two, three…? You guys can hear me, right?_

"S-smash rules!" Von JoBo stammered. "You're not meant to kill!"

Tetra narrowed her eyes. "I've changed the rules," she said in a dark voice. "I'm putting both you and the Flame People down."

 _Yeah. Team Tetra all the way. Oh sorry, I forgot. I'm here to provide some running commentary._

 _What do you mean, 'who are you?' It's me, Link. Honestly, I don't even know why I bother sometimes…_

She fired again. The Baron spun away from the shot, reached down to scoop up a rock, and used his momentum to hurl it straight at Tetra. She sidestepped – but not quick enough. The rock caught her with a glancing blow to the side of the head.

 _Oh, sure. He dodges bullets but she gets hit by a rock first-time. Drama._

The moment of distraction was enough. As Tetra tried to shake off the hit, the Baron pounced, curling his hands around her neck. They both toppled back onto the ground – but Tetra rolled through, first coiling her legs, then shooting them straight to kick Von JoBo off.

 _Nice move._

Now lying flat on her front, Tetra snapped her head up. Her gun had spun out of her grasp. She spotted it in on the ground between the two of them. The Baron saw it, too. Their eyes locked – Von JoBo with dirt now streaking his face, Tetra with her hair all awry.

 _She actually looks quite fetching._

 _Wait. Did I say that out loud? Forget I said anything._

They both leapt for the pistol at the same time. The Baron was stronger. He shouldered Tetra out of the way and grabbed the gun. With a malicious grin, he raised the weapon and fired.

 _How many bullets does that thing have…?_

Tetra pirouetted out of the way, then dived behind the cover of the Monkey Temple as the Baron shot again.

"So, you _do_ possess some grace," he crowed. His thumb pulled the hammer back. "But I'm afraid it won't be enough, my dear."

 _It's not just the number of bullets, though. This is the last chapter and the narrative hasn't even bothered to explain everything. Like, if all the Flamers are inside the Baron, then what the heck was the Flame Mako?_

 _Also: why the hell was there a giant squid inside the tower on Tower Island? Why? WHY?_

 _Won't somebody PLEASE think of the SQUID?!_

Tetra pressed her back against the cool, stone wall of the temple. Sweat made her clothes cling to her skin. Her breathing was heavy from all the fighting, but still she was ready, every one of her muscles coiled and tense.

She heard a twig snap. The Baron was getting closer.

Tetra couldn't believe she actually had harboured feelings for this creep. She had such awful taste in men. Why couldn't she find someone loyal and trustworthy, someone who was always there for her, someone who wouldn't let her self-doubts about being captain drown her, someone who…

Never listens to doubt. Never gives up.

 _Wait. What…?_

Link…? Her eyes widened. Link was the one she needed all along…?

 _Oh. Oh, wow. Maybe…maybe my vision will come true. Someone to love. A family._

Tetra blinked rapidly, then exhaled. "The hell am I thinking…?" she muttered. "Must be the adrenaline."

 _Uh. Yeah. Yeah, my sentiment exactly._

0

0

0

 _You guys did not see any of this._

A movement caught Tetra's eye. She turned her head – just in time to see the barrel of her pistol inch out into view.

She grinned. At last!

Tetra leapt –

And the Baron dodged, quickly moving the weapon out of her reach. Tetra tumbled to the ground.

"Ha!" said Von JoBo as he stepped forward. "All too easy. Perhaps you're not as strong as I thought."

 _Seriously. How many Star Wars references does this story need…?_

Tetra glared up at her foe. "I don't care," she spat. "My crew will find you. Link will find you." Her eyes burned with rage. "And they will end you."

"I look forward to it, my dear." Von JoBo raised the gun.

 _Ah, evil gloating._

"In fact, to add to your despair, I will reveal exactly how you could have ended both me and the Flame People."

 _Why would you even do that?_

"Pierce my heart," said the Baron. "And you would have finished us all. A shame you won't be able to test that hypothesis."

 _Why are you giving her this information? Are you an idiot?_

"Winner," he said. "Team Flame."

The Baron pulled the trigger.

Tetra flinched.

The hammer snapped forward. The barrel turned.

Nothing happened.

 _Heh. Out of bullets. Finally._

 _On the other hand: Out of bullets? Are you kidding me? Just when the villain gets the gun? Too cliché, bro. Too cliché._

The Baron, eyes wide, stared at the pistol in bewilderment. Tetra drew back her legs, then flipped up onto her feet. She swung a fist – it connected, hitting the man's jaw. Von JoBo reeled.

Tetra tried to press her advantage, but the Baron kicked dirt up into her face.

"I believe," said Von JoBo, panting, "It's time for us to depart."

He slapped his hand hard against the temple's wall.

The building rumbled. The ground vibrated beneath their feet. The giant monkey head slowly split apart to reveal a freshly varnished sailing ship sitting at an angle on a platform, its bow pointed at the sky.

 _Thunderbirds are go…_

An explosion shook the air. The ship launched into the clear, blue sky. Tetra, the Baron, Link and the freed miners all watched its progress as it curved up, then swooped down toward the sea. An immense splash followed, visible even from their vantage point.

"Goodbye, my dear," said Von JoBo. He turned, and fled.

Tetra broke into a chase instantly. "After him!" she barked as she passed Link.

 _Great. And I thought I could sit this one out. A ship inside a monkey head. And why did I not see it when I was inside the temple…? I bet the narrative won't even expl-_

A fallen branch, thick as a man's arm, impeded Link's left ankle. He stumbled, almost losing his footing, but quickly regained his composure. His ankle stung.

 _Fine. Fine. I get it. Don't question the author. Egotistical jerk –_

Another thick branch snapped free from a tree, swung down with a creak, and knocked Link straight off his feet. The back of his head hit the ground hard, and he ended up flat on his back, lying spread-eagled on the ground as he so _richly_ deserved.

 _Shut up, you._

When Link finally caught up to his captain, he found her facing off against the Baron at the very edge of the sandy beach. The freshly-minted ship bobbed up and down on the sighing waves of the Great Sea. Sunlight caught the spray and made it sparkle.

"So," the Baron said, his eyes fixed on Tetra. "It _was_ your story, after all. But I fail to see how your character even progressed…?" He frowned. "Did you even learn anything new…? About the world…? About yourself…?"

Tetra took a step forward.

"Oh, don't bother, my dear," said Von JoBo. "This is no set-up for an ending. You have nothing with which you can strike my heart. Ergo, I'm going to live to fight anoth- URGH!"

The Baron looked down to see the sharp tip of a mast now protruding from his chest. It glistened with his blood. More blood trickled out from the side of his mouth. His jaw worked, but the only sound his tongue could produce was a long croak. Smoke began to pour out from his wounds.

Baron Von JoBo's eyes rolled to their whites. He toppled into the sea with a splash.

"Thanks, Harkinian," said Tetra.

A thousand bits of floating debris answered her. "Don't mention it, my sweet. Unfortunately, I am ashamed that you have to see me like this." The tide flowed past their boots. "Limp. Small. _Stripped_."

Link gaped. "Harkinian's alive?!"

"No thanks to you," said the ship in a sour voice.

"Link," said Tetra. "Why is Harkinian in a million pieces…?"

"Ah," he replied. "About that. Let's…go get the others. And those miners. Then we can talk."

Link held out his arm. Tetra eyed him warily.

"The Baron's gone for good…?" she asked.

"Yup. He…lost his powers."

"Because of you…?"

Link replied with a smile. Tetra still had her gaze fixed on him. Her eyes softened.

"Link, Link, Link," she said in a gentle voice. "Always there when I need him."

He shrugged. "You'd do the same for me."

Tetra thought about this for a moment. "Yeah," she said. "I would, wouldn't I?"

Gently she entwined her arm with his. Her eyes still hadn't left him. "You're right," she said. "Let's get the others, get out of here, and we'll talk. A lot."

Link led the way. He grinned. "Team Tetra's blasting off again."

 _Are you thinking what I'm thinking…? I'm getting that tingly feeling. Like sparks are about to fly. Shame you guys won't be here for the ride._

 _Oh, the author – aka His Highness – would like to thank you all for your support and reviews. He says this was an odd little story from his odd little mind, one that he wasn't quite sure would work. He's glad you liked it, the little humblebragger –_

 _I mean, the wondrous, self-effacing, great man._

 _He might even have an idea for yet another story. If so, it'll be one of those dark and gritty ones he does. So dark and gritty you'll need a wash afterward. That means you won't be hearing from me, if he ever gets round to doing it, that is, the lazy little –_

 _The, ahem, supremely motivated word master._

 _For now, though…that's all, folks!_

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 _Seriously, though. What was up with that giant squid?!_


	30. Surprise

**30\. Surprise**

Moonlight glistened off of the Great Sea as the ship rose and fell in time with the tide. A skeleton crew with sleep-deprived eyes stood watch. Young Niko scrubbed the decks. Below, in Captain Tetra's chambers, there was only darkness.

And then a faint rustling from her bed.

Link sat bolt upright. Tetra, dressed in a loose-fitting nightgown, froze half-way across the room, bare feet pressed against the cold wooden floor. She flicked a lantern on- it ignited with a faint _whoomph._

"Link?" she said, gaping. "What are you doing in my bed?"

Link looked at her with feverish eyes. "There's someone here," he breathed. "Someone who's not supposed to be here."

"Yes. _You."_

She strode up to her bed and pulled the covering aside with a vicious tug. "Explain yourself, sailor."

"Well, um." He reached up to scratch at his blond locks. "There was that one review. Asking for a bonus smut chapter." Link shrank back as Tetra's eyes narrowed. His voice dwindled. "And I thought I'd get ready...just in case...?" Now his voice became a squeak under Tetra's wilting glare. "In case of a...surprise...?"

"Out."

"But -"

"Out!"

"Yes," said another voice. "Get out."

"Shut up, Harkinian," said Tetra. "We didn't go to all that trouble to put you back together again so you could just return to your lecherous ways."

" _Who's_ lecherous?" the ship retorted in a hurt voice.

Link slid out of the bed. Tetra's eyes widened, and then she quickly averted her gaze.

"You could have at least warned me," she hissed.

Link frowned. "What?"

"Of _that._ "

Link looked down. " _Oh._ "

"Clothes. On. Please."

"Oh. Oh! Sorry. Yeah. You didn't need to see that. I honestly don't know how we get away with this K+ rating. "Link crouched to scoop up his discarded tunic - and then gasped.

"What?" said Tetra. "You haven't got it - got _yourself_ caught in something now, have you?

"They're...back."

Tetra suppressed a sigh. Sleep weighed down her eyes. "Who...are back?"

Link's voice was full of wonderment. "The story's complete but they're back." He slowly drew himself to his full height. "That's not right. It even says complete at the bottom of the summary. You see that, don't you, Captain?"

"No. And I've seen quite enough today, thank you."

"They were supposed to move onto the dark and gritty one. How are they back?" Link raised his voice. "Hey, you guys, how are you back?"

Tetra rubbed her temples. Lantern light cast eerie molten shadows over the wooden walls as the ship creaked and gently rocked. "Link. Please. I'm tired. I want to sleep. I don't have time for riddles. And you raising your voice doesn't help."

Link wasn't listening. "I told you someone was here," he said. "It was _them_."

"No," a new voice replied. "It was me."

Link and Tetra spun around. The captain blinked, squinting as she raised the lantern. A dark shroud in the form a slender man stood by the door. Arms folded, the stranger looked up.

Link cocked his head to one side as recognition hit. "Ocarina of Time me?" he said, puzzled. "I thought I killed you."

"Merely a scratch," the newcomer replied.

Link pulled on his tunic. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to inject a little seriousness into proceedings," said Ocarina Link. "But I need your help."

"Heh," said Link. "Heh-heh-heh. Hear that, Captain? He needs _my_ help. The bad-ass Link needs the toon's help."

A bewildered Tetra looked from her Link to the new Link and then back again. "Link?!" she said. "What's going on? Why does this guy look like -"

Ocarina Link strode swiftly up to Tetra and waved a gloved hand in front of her face. "Sleep."

Tetra's eyes fluttered, then closed, then she fell back onto the bed, asleep. Her lantern hit the floor, then rolled away.

"Wow," said Link, blinking. "That was rude. Was that really necessary? She just asked a question."

"She was tired and wanted to sleep," the other Link replied. "So now I've helped her."

"Real hero, you are."

"Thanks."

"And how did you do that, anyway?" said Link. "The hand-waving thing. Are you that hypnotist one from the Horsemen?"

"Horseman?" said Ocarina Link. "Epona is here...?"

"No, I mean -" Link closed his eyes. "Why would a horse be on a ship?"

"I don't know. You said it. Think before you speak, man."

Link glared daggers at his other self. "Just...just tell me why you're here."

"Better," Ocarina Link replied. "I'll show you."

He waved his hand again. The world suddenly spun out of focus, a whirlpool of colour and sound, then rearranged itself in a torch lit corridor. A cool breeze ran through the passageway, sending the torches into a flicker.

Princess Zelda, dressed in a long lavender dress, stood in front of an iron door flanked by two of her Royal Guards. She swallowed, her hand trembling.

 _Hey. What is this? A Pensieve...?_

 _No._

 _Hey. Isn't it strange that you can break the fourth wall as well? I mean, I only got the powers from the Flame People. How did you -_

 _Shut up and watch._

 _You really are rude. I don't know what the fangirls see in you._

"I'm here to see the prisoner," said Zelda. Her gaze was cast downward. Torch light spilled over her face.

 _She's beautiful,_ said Toon Link.

 _She is. She just doesn't know it._

 _Only you, hey?_

 _We're not discussing this._

 _If-only-she-could-see-what-OoT Link-could-see-She'll-understand-why-he-wants-her-so-despera-_

 _Cease your prattling before I cut out your tongue and feed it back to you in the form of a cake._

 _Harsh. I liked the cake bit, though._

One of the guards bowed his head. "As you wish, Your Grace."

He turned to slide the bolt aside, and then allowed the door to screech open. Princess Zelda set her jaw in a straight line and stepped in. The torch flickered again as she passed, and the other guard slipped inside to join her.

Chains clinked. The prisoner looked up. Princess Zelda stared him straight in the eye.

 _Hey...hey, that's yo-_

"Link," said Zelda.

"Princess."

Her cheek twitched. "Traitor."


	31. Grit

**31\. Grit**

Princess Zelda kept her eyes on the prisoner hanging from the wall of the cold, dank and dark cell. He was stone-faced, dressed all in black. The floor was grimy and covered with grit. Silence hung between them like heavy lead.

Zelda's heart was a tempest of conflicting emotions. There were so many things she wanted to say. Only one word came to her lips, though.

"Why?" Her voice rang in the air like a metallic echo. "You stood up for us. Fought for us. You're the Hero of Time."

The prisoner stirred. "Just Link will do."

"I know what will _do_ ," the guard growled. "Butcher. Murderer. Scum."

Chains clinked as the Hero turned to the soldier. "Oh, I like him," he said. "At least he's honest. Kakariko boy, I take it...?"

Zelda turned to her man as well. "Silence."

The guard bowed his head. "Your Grace."

Zelda's shoes scraped the floor. "We fought together, Link."

"And then we fought against each other," the Hero of Time replied. "For fifteen long years."

"Only because you had to be brought to justice." Her voice rose. "So we could have peace!"

"Peace?" The Hero looked at her with leaden eyes. "That's all I've ever wanted."

Zelda's chest began heaving as emotion took over. "By killing my Council? Every last man and woman of them. In their sleep. And burning Kakariko to the ground...? With everyone in it...?" Disgust washed over her face. "It was chaos." Her lower lip trembled. "I can't believe it's taken so long to capture you."

"You came close, though," the Hero replied. "The Lost Woods. Remember that?"

"That place was like a maze," said Zelda. "You had me twisted around in knots, then made your escape."

The Hero nodded, reminiscing. "Where was it when you almost took off my hand?"

"Zora's Domain. Ruto still hasn't forgiven me for that. She thinks the world of you."

"She'd like me in one piece. And I don't mean just my hand."

"I almost got it," Zelda replied. "Your hand, that is. But then on Death Mountain - you singed off my hair. All of it."

"All of it."

"I couldn't go out in public for weeks!"

Link smiled. Zelda stifled a snort and smiled in return - then saw the guard glaring at her and quickly regained her stiff composure. She cleared her throat.

"Why?" said Zelda. "Why did you do it? Why did you turn against us? You were meant to be our Hero."

"Change the tune, princess. You've said all that already."

"Our _hero_!"

"Now the world thinks you're the Hero."

"And they know you as a monster!"

"You can't be a hero," he replied. "If you don't have a monster to slay."

Zelda flinched. "What?" she said. Anger made her curl her hand into a fist. "What's that supposed to mean?"

The Hero of Time said nothing.

Zelda strode up to him, her eyes glinting. She raised her fist. "Answer me!"

"I want to fix things," he replied suddenly.

Her hand froze. The princess blinked. "Fix..?"

"Yes. Make amends."

"Don't listen to him," the guard growled. "He's not to be trusted. It wasn't just the Council he killed. He killed the guards, too. My friends. Men who were just doing their job. Men with families of their own."

Zelda kept her eyes on her prisoner, but directed her words to her man. "Get out."

"But -" said the guard.

"Leave!"

She waited until the angry footsteps had receded and the iron door had slammed shut behind her. Her eyes searched the Hero's.

"He's right," she said. "Why should I trust you?"

"Because you always did."

"That was a long time ago."

"Was it...?"

Zelda winced as a sudden gust of air bit at her, forcing her eyes closed. She heard the clank of chains striking stone. Opening her eyes, she saw -

Nothing. Link was gone. And she was alone in the cell.

The world spun out of focus, then reformed in Tetra's cabin within the _Harkinian._

"And here I am," the Hero of Time said, turning to Link. "Clearly to enlist your aid."

Link stood, fixing his counterpart with a cool gaze. "Wait, wait, wait," he said. "You can't just walk in here and expect my help."

"Why not?" The Hero stood up as well. "We're the same, you and I. Two peas in a pod."

"Because we wear green...?"

"What?"

"Peas. Gree- Never mind." Link shook his head. "Anyway, I thought you hated me!"

The Hero of Time waved away Link's words. "A mere misunderstanding."

"Well, there's something _I'm_ misunderstanding, bro." Link took a breath. "You killed the Royal Council...and Kakariko...? With all those people? _Families...?_ "

A pained expression crossed the other Link's face. "You have to trust me," he replied.

Link opened his mouth, but the Hero cut him off.

"Or trust the narrative. You know there's a reason I'm here. There are some things I..." He struggled for the words, then just exhaled. "I took no pleasure in the act."

"That's a...relief?"

Now the Hero of Time took on a pleading expression. "I want to set things right. She hates me - do you know how much that burns? Do you?"

Link watched him with wary eyes, then swallowed. "I can take a guess."

"I want to set things right," the Hero repeated. "I want peace. And I need you with me." His eyes glistened.

"Are you...crying?"

The Hero looked away. "No." His voice was gruff. "It's just grit."

Link stared back for a long moment, then sighed. "I might regret this, but...I'll be there for you. When the rain starts to pour. I'll be there for you. Like I've been there be-"

He was cut off by a sharp glare from the Hero. Link cleared his throat. "I knew I'd regret it. Should've gone for the one where everybody knows your name. But _not_ the suicide is painless one." He inhaled deeply. "What I mean is, I'm with you, bro."

"Stop calling me 'bro'."

"Right. Fine, fine. Too bad-ass to show emotion."

"Why do you keep saying that?" The Hero looked down over his shoulder. "There's nothing bad about my posterior."

"I -" Link stifled another sigh. "Let's...let's just go."

"I'm coming, too."

The two Links turned to see Tetra standing there, fully dressed, cutlass and flintlock pistol already strapped around her waist. "But first," she said, "I need to know what to call him." He nodded the Hero's way. "It'll just get way confusing otherwise."

"Call him the Hero," said Link.

His counterpart turned his face away. "I'm no Hero."

"Well, the narrative's already calling you that. So, yes, that's what we'll call you."

The Hero pursed his lips. "Fine." He began raising his hands. "Let me just -"

"Oh, one more thing," said Tetra in an overly-sweet voice. She stepped over to the Hero - then head-butted him in the face. He dropped to the floor, out cold. "Don't ever put me to sleep again."

Link looked down at the prone Hero. "If you play Captain Tetra," he mumbled. "You either lose, or die."

"Right," said Tetra, curling her arm around Link's. "Let's get going."

"Um," he replied. "I think he just was about to open a way..."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Guess...we should wait until he wakes up?"

"Yeah." Link nodded. "Let's do that."

"Cards?" said Tetra.

Link shrugged. "Sure."

"I'm in for cards," said a third voice. "Strip poker...?"

Link and Tetra chorused their next words at exactly the same time: "Shut up, Harkinian!"


	32. Moo II

**32\. Moo II**

Tetra's eyes were filled with wonder. "It's all so...green."

Freshly arrived in the Hero's world, Link and Tetra stood gazing out over Hyrule Field. Their clothes fluttered in the cool breeze, and the sun glinted sharply in the cloudless sky. The Hero of Time himself waited with arms folded beside the opening to a small path.

"Yup," said Link. "It's a big world. As far as your imagination can reach." His voice then curdled. "Not like Breath of the Wild where every inch of a blade of grass has to be detailed out."

"And no sea in sight." Tetra turned to him. "So...we're in the past?"

Link nodded. "Yup."

Her eyes flicked over to the Hero. "And he's your...ancestor?"

The Outset boy shrugged. "Something like that. We've done the moon arc. The Flame People arc. I guess this is the Hero of Time arc."

"And we're here to...?"

"Steal the Ocarina of Time," the Hero interjected.

"Steal the Oca-" Link stopped shot mid-sentence. "Wait. What?" He turned to face his counterpart. " _Stealing_ now...? What's happened to you? People used to think you were noble!"

"Then let's hope they get the help they need," said the Hero.

"Was that a joke?" said Link. "Did you just make a joke?"

"I dabble."

The Hero frowned. He raised one hand. His eyes widened. The hand was turning translucent, beginning to fade.

Link noticed. "Don't tell me."

"Yes," the Hero replied, voice grim.

"No."

"It's true."

Link took in a sharp breath. "You accidently went back in time and accidently stopped your mother and father from meeting at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and are now being erased from existence...?"

The Hero looked up. "What?" he snapped. "No. _No._ The narrative is returning me to where I was. Zelda's dungeon."

Which was what Link heard. Tetra heard instead, "A magic curse. It'll return me to the dungeon."

Intensity filled the Hero's eyes. "You two are going to have to break me out. But before that - I need to visit Lon Lon Ranch. Follow me."

He turned on his heel and marched up the narrow, dusty path. Link and Tetra watched him go.

"He likes giving orders, doesn't he?" said Link.

Tetra wore a thoughtful expression. "Seems like he's been on his own too long," she said quietly. "Which means he's used to getting his own way."

Link snorted. "Thinks he's royalty now."

"What about all that stuff..." said Tetra. "About him murdering a village. And the Royal Council."

"I don't know," Link replied. "It just means we'll have to watch him."

"What do you think his endgame is...?"

"I don't know that, either," said Link. "If it involves another showdown with...someone, I think we should suggest a Pirate Smash. Just so the story title stays relevant."

"Link," said Tetra in a scolding tone. "When dealing with non-pirates, what's the first rule of Pirate Smash?"

"We don't talk about Pirate Smash." He looked sheepish. "Sorry."

"Forgiven. Let's go."

When they caught up to him, the Hero was opening the rickety, wooden door to one of the stables. A stale scent of dung and hay wafted out. The faint sound of mooing came from within.

Link shivered. "Cows. Evil."

Tetra gave him an odd look, but decided not to press. They followed the Hero in -

Where he was jumped upon by a red-headed blur who pressed her lips to his, her eyes closed. The girl released the kiss.

"Malon..." the Hero said, blinking.

"Link..." the girl breathed.

"That was...a surprise..."

The girl smiled shyly.

Link - Tetra's Link - cocked an eyebrow and addressed his counterpart. "This happen to you a lot, then?"

The Hero sniffed dismissively. "Hadn't noticed. Happen to you?"

"Yeah. Sure." Link nosily cleared his throat, then turned to his captain. "Say, Tetra -"

"No."

"But -"

" _No._ "

The Hero took Malon over to one side. The two of them spoke in hushed, urgent whispers. Sunlight leaked in through the slatted walls.

"Malon will take you to the castle dungeons," the Hero said upon returning. "I don't have much time, so -"

"MOOOO!"

They all slowly turned to see one of the cows rise up on its hind legs, steam pouring out of its flickering ears, a scarlet glow burning in its eyes.

Link sighed. "You've got to be kidding me," he mumbled under his breath. "Wasn't even that funny the first time."

Steel gave a long sigh as the Hero of Time drew his sword. "I'll handle this."

"Hey," said Link. "No. You want my help? We work together."

The Hero growled. "I don't need anyone's help."

" _Everyone_ needs help," Link countered. " _Everyone_ needs connection. Real connection. Or else we just stew in our pain and turn angr-"

The Hero turned to glare at him.

Link shrank back. "Point proven."

The ground trembled.

"Excuse me!" shrieked Malon. "There is a cow trying to kill us!"

The belligerent bovine took advantage of their bickering, swiping the Hero aside with a vicious upperhoof.

"Link!" Malon gasped, clamping her palms to the sides of her head.

The cow swung again. Tetra grabbed her Link by his tunic and tugged him out of harm's way.

Link snarled, looking up at the cow. "You're ugly," he said. "I don't mean to be rude, but were your parents related?"

The cow reared back on its spindly hind legs and mooed in rage. Malon shrieked again. Tetra grasped the farmgirl by the wrist and roughly pulled her behind the two of them.

"Tetra," said Link.

"Link," said Tetra.

"Let's end this."

Snorting, the cow lowered its head and began pawing at the dirt with its foreleg.

Tetra's eyes widened. She gave a quick nod. "What did you have in mind?"

"A little narrative bending."

"Huh?"

"It means," said Link, dropping into a crouch. "I'm going to...TRANSFORM!"

He launched into a backflip, twisting, turning, shrinking until he landed in Tetra's hand in the form of a silver-and-black gun.

" _What?!_ " cried Tetra.

"Just call me the maniacal MegaLink," the gun replied.

With a roar that shook the entire building, the cow charged. Malon screamed.

"Now shoot it, Captain!"

Tetra's jaw dropped. The cow sped in closer. She steadied herself, feet planted, then raised her gun arm, squinting one eye to aim -

Then pulled the trigger. A jolting blast of purple energy flew out from the barrel and struck the cow creature point blank. It exploded, showering all of them in steaming strips of cooked meat.

MegaLink transformed back into normal Link. The Hero of Time stirred from where he lay slumped on the floor.

"See?" said Link cheerily. "Teamwork."

The Hero glowered up at him. "I would've got it if you hadn't distracted me."

"Yeah. And you would've been the last man standing."

"Just how I like it."

"So we're expendable?" said Link. "No, thanks. For one thing, I look nothing like Stallone."

Malon, her composure regained, crouched down beside her Link. "It's starting," she said, pressing a finger against his chest. It went straight through. "That ol' magic curse thing you told me about."

The Hero of Time began to fade. "Find me..." he said."The castle dunge-"

He vanished. With a rustle of her long skirt, Malon stood up, her face hard. "Let's go," she said.

"Whoa there, girl," said Tetra, stepping in front of her.

Malon's eyes narrowed. "'Girl?'"

The captain folded her arms. "Exactly why did you have a killer cow in your stables?"

Link poked his head in between them. "And who keeps cows in a stable anyway?"

"It's a _barn_ , honey-pie," said Malon, her voice acidic. She looked from Tetra to Link then back again.

And then looked at Link one more time. She blinked in quick succession. "You look just like him," she said. "Except...cuter."

Tetra was unimpressed. "You've only just noticed?"

"That I'm cuter?" said Link.

" _No._ That you look just like the other guy."

Malon raised her chin and looked the captain in the eye. "I have no idea how that cow thing got in here, Miss...?"

"Tetra."

"Miss Tetra. Well. There are many folk that want ol' Link dead."

"Because of what he did?" the captain replied. She cocked her head to one side. "That doesn't bother you?"

Malon looked away. "I don't hafta justify myself." She sniffed. "Besides, ya'll helpin him as well."

"I trust Li-" Tetra caught herself. "My friend here. I trust him."

"Good," said Malon. "And I trust Link. So let's get going, shall we? We've wasted enough time yapping. The cow thing is history. We done defea-" She frowned. "How _did_ we beat it?"

Tetra rolled her eyes. "Well, obviously we -" She frowned as well. The memory just wasn't coming to her.

"Say," said Link, taking them both by the hand. "The nice red-haired lady is right." He grinned. "Let's get going."


	33. Tumbled

**33\. Tumbled**

The Hero of Time raised his head. His arms ached from being held up against the cell wall. Cool, stale air flitted around him. Torchlight flickered from outside of the solitary door.

He was back in the dungeons.

The princess was gone. But someone else was here. An old friend.

"Navi."

The tiny fairy shimmered into sight. The Hero knew she wasn't real, knew she was just a figment of his damaged imagination, but he needed her.

Needed someone to talk to.

"You look tired," she said.

"I am."

"Like the weight of the world on your shoulders."

"It keeps me grounded," he replied, his voice hoarse.

"Listen, no one expected you to be perfect," said Navi. Her wings fluttered silently as she waited, and when he said no more, she asked, "What did you want, that day you went to the Council...?"

The Hero looked up. His chains clinked. "Peace."

"And when you went to Kakariko with murder in your heart?"

"Peace," he said again.

Her eyes glowed. "The world says you're a monster."

"So why should I disagree..?"

"Is that why you're so angry?" she shot back. "Why you don't want anyone close?"

The Hero sucked in a breath. His voice dropped. "I was meant to protect them."

Navi watched him carefully. "Why won't you tell me what really happened?"

The Hero of Time closed his eyes. When he opened them again, Navi was gone. He felt a sudden change in the air.

It was time.

* * *

The lone dungeon guard was, as ever, utterly bored. This was his life. Sitting at a table, staring at an iron door that linked the dungeons to the castle beyond, he spent his day chipping away at the wall with his set of keys.

 _Tink. Tink. Tink._

Sometimes that was the only sound he heard.

Behind him, through an antechamber, was the long corridor with cells on either side.

The Royal Dungeons.

Once or twice a day he had to unlock the door to allow in a new prisoner and their accompanying soldiers. On very rare occasions, Princess Zelda herself would pay a visit. In fact, she'd just been in the other day to speak to their most infamous prisoner - one that was kept in a separate, individual cell - Link, the so-called 'Hero' of Time.

Thinking of the name made the guard's grip around his keys tighten. He himself wasn't from Kakariko - but, like a lot of people, he knew a friend of a friend who was. The guard let free a long, slow breath. He resumed tapping at the wall. It was strangely relaxing.

Link was locked away now, awaiting justice. The guard had nothing to worry about. Princess Zelda had spoken to the prisoner - though she'd come out of cell looking slightly confused, as though she'd forgotten something - and the guard was sure she would take care of everything.

She always did.

She was Hyrule's Hero.

"Hero..." the guard mumbled. "Heroine...?"

He shrugged, dismissing the thought.

Maybe she'd come back. She wasn't too bad to look at, truth be told. It beat looking at the dreary, bare stone walls. And she always knocked on the door the same way - three big raps, then two smaller ones. It was the signal that either she - or a representative of hers - had arrived to pay a visit. Thomp-Thomp-Thomp-Tap-Tap.

 _THOMP-THOMP-THOMP-TAP-TAP._

The keys flew away from the guard's hand, skittering noisily across the floor as he jumped at the sound. He tumbled out of his chair, slipped, then grasped for the keys and, breathless, made it to the door, and then quickly composed himself with a long, long exhalation.

The guard opened the door. A red-haired woman and two cloaked figures stood in the lush, starkly different passageway beyond.

"Greetings," said the woman. "I'm -"

"Call her the Red Lady," said one of the acolytes - a young man by the sounds of it.

"Yes," the woman added. "The Red Lady. We're from the Triforcean Priesthood. Here to give Link of Kokiri his last rites, by orders of Her Grace."

A suspicious frown touched the guard's face. The woman had a faint accent he couldn't quite place, but the other, the acolyte had spoken...

The guard looked straight at him. "The priesthood don't allow men."

Something unreadable flickered over the Red Lady's face. She swallowed. "He's...not wholly a man."

The acolyte in question froze. The guard's eyes bulged. " _Oh,"_ he said, leaning in toward the priestess, then lowered his voice. "Snip-snip?"

The Red Lady nodded. "Chop-chop," she whispered back.

"I can hear you," said the acolyte.

"Slice?" said the guard.

"Slash," said the Red Lady.

"Cut -"

"-it out!" cried the acolyte. They all turned to him. He raised his chin to their stares, then directed his attention to the guard. "My son."

"Um," said the guard. "This isn't right."

"Spot on," the acolyte murmured. "The narrative used the eunuch joke his last story."

"No..." The guard shook his head in bafflement. "I mean...I didn't receive a scroll. An official one. With the Royal Seal. Last rites...? Link's to be executed...?"

The other acolyte - a woman, clearly - stepped forward and draped an arm over his shoulder. "Listen," she said in a voice that probably was intended to be soothing but sounded distinctly threatening instead. "It's all hush-hush at the moment. Don't want word to get out just yet. You can trust us, though."

"How else," the male acolyte cut in, "would we have known...the secret knock...?"

The guard looked at each of them in turn. His mind worked furiously. "That's...true."

"Hey," said the lady acolyte. "What's your name?"

"Doesn't have one," said the man. "Does you?" He winced, then cleared his throat. " _Do_ you? My son."

The guard bristled. "Of course I -"

"You're bored. Aren't you?"

"Well. Yes..."

"Empty? Unfulfilled? Tapping away with your keys all day..?"

"How did you -?"

"Well, tap away at _these_ keys, my friend." The acolyte reached into his robe and pulled free a slim, black rectangle. He touched one flat side. It lit up, casting the guard's face in a sickly glow.

"What...is that?" the guard gasped. "Magic...?"

"Better," the acolyte replied as all three of them stepped into the dungeons. "It's a smartphone."

"Sm-art-fo-amm?"

"Close," said the man. "Now take a look...at this."

He touched the device again. Images flicked up. The guard's jaw dropped. He slowly took the thing from the acolyte's hand and equally slowly sat down in his chair.

"These are...pictures...of the princess...and the Hero of Time...with..." He gasped, then blushed.

"Tumblr," said the acolyte. "It has that effect. BRB."

As the guard sat entranced, Link nodded at Tetra who was standing aside with the door held open. He swiped the keys from the man's belt, then, head low, sprinted down the row of cells. Prisoners stirred in their cages, and the stench of stale sweat reached him, but Link paid it all no mind. He hurtled round a corner - just in time to see the two guards flanking the Hero's cell turn to him.

In the split-second it took for the shocked realisation to blossom over their faces, Link had already drawn his boomerang free from within the folds of his cloak. By the time the guards had reached for their swords, the boomerang was already well on its way. It clocked one guard, then the next, then spun straight back into Link's waiting hand.

Link quickly thrust the key into the lock and turned it. The door opened with a click and a low creak. Striding in, he found the keys to the Hero's chains and, within moments, had him freed.

"Thanks," the Hero of Time said as he rubbed the circulation back into his wrists. "How did you do it?"

"Your guards?" Link replied. "Took them down."

"And the main guard at the door?"

"Distraction."

"With?"

"Tumblr."

The Hero took in a sharp intake of breath. "And they call _me_ a monster."

 _ **CUT**_

 _Well, hey friends. It is I, Link._

 _Sorry to butt in, but I'd just like to pass a bit of comment on this narrative. This really odd, odd narrative, now with added tonal shifts and all those pesky references._

 _I mean, seriously._

 _Smartphones. Tumblr._

 _Wow. This is all going to be so dated in...let's say, oh, three weeks?_

 _What's that? It already is dated...? Whoosh!_

 _And you know what's really weird...? What really scroats my goat...?_

 _(Hold on. Is that an actual phrase? That's not a phrase, is it?)_

 _Scratch that._

 _Anyway._

 _The author actually loathes meta stories. He doesn't like having his suspension of disbelief torn away from his mind's eye. But then he thinks...is it really that healthy to escape from what-you-would-call-but-I-know-better 'the real world?' Isn't a story like this needed from time-to-time?_

 _And then he tells himself... to just shut up._

 _In fact, he prefers the more serious type - just look, most of his stories are like that, and he really was going to write a **** and ***** -_

 _****?_

 _***!_

 _Did you see that? Did. You. People. See. That? He just censored me!_

 _Unbelievable._

 _So, anyway, if you're reading this after a vast period of time after its initial publication, and you don't get all of the references, all I'd like to say is:_

 _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

 _(Psst, Changeling Rin, that was a Doctor Who reference. Wink, wink.)_

 _Aaaand..._

 _ **ACTION**_

They left the cell and began the walk down the long corridor lined with the dungeons on either side. This time, the prisoners did more than stir. They began to murmur and hiss.

"It's him..." one whispered.

They nudged one another, and slowly shuffled to the metal bars.

"Scum," another growled. "Lowlife."

"Murderer!"

They began banging against the steel.

"Wretch!"

The Hero kept on walking, face rigid, and eyes fixed straight ahead. He didn't even flinch when they began to spit on him.

Link pulled another robe free from his own. "Here," he said. "Wear this."

The Hero flung it over himself with a flourish, then raised the hood. He stopped for a moment as they neared the end of the corridor, then turned on one heel.

Raising one palm, he said, "Forget."

The prisoners all stumbled back from the bars, looking dazed and confused.

"Sleep."

They all tumbled to the ground in perfect synchronisation. Soft snoring quickly followed.

Link found the main guard still staring at the screen, a trickle of drool down his chin. Malon watched over him with barely-contained disgust. Tetra was waiting outside, and out of sight - as per the plan.

Link leaned over the guard. "Bazinga."

The guard jumped, and Link quickly swiped the phone from his grasp. "I'll take that, thanks." He flipped it into the air. "And...poof!"

The phone vanished.

Link nodded in satisfaction. "Back where it came from," he said. "Which certainly isn't this place."

The two Links - faces shrouded by their hoods - stood either side of Malon. The guard blinked up at them, as though he'd just broken out of a trance. His palm still lay open, his fingers tapping at a phantom screen.

"You...were...huh?" he slurred.

"We were just leaving, sweetie," said Malon.

The guard squinted up at the Hero. "Weren't you shorter...?"

"Indeed," said Link. "And therein lies a lesson for you to ponder."

"Wha..."

"My son."

They left, the door swinging shut behind them. Link raised a fist in triumph. "Ha!" he cried. "I love it when a plan comes together."

"Why," the Hero growled, "didn't you just take him out like you did the guards outside my cell?"

Link opened his mouth to reply, realised that his brain hadn't caught up yet, and snapped it shut again.

Tetra was having none of it, though. "Why didn't _you_ -" She jabbed the Hero's chest with his finger. "- just make them _all_ fall asleep and forget like you just did with the prisoners?"

"I..." the Hero replied.

"What?" said Tetra. "Go on. Spit it out. Needed to look larger-than-life?"

"I -"

"Needed to look bad-ass?" Link cut in.

"I-"

" _What?!"_ Link and Tetra voiced together.

"Needed someone to get the keys."

They lapsed into silence. Malon looked at them in turn. "Glad we got that sorted, honey-pies," she said, hands on her hips. "Now will one of y'all mind telling me what in tarnation is a Tumblr?"


	34. Doodle

**34\. Doodle**

 _Then_

The Hero of Time strode into the Baron's stateroom in Hyrule Castle. Hanging mirrors framed in gold, decorations of silk and a solitary marble statue of the Baron himself were a testament to both his wealth and vanity.

And his status.

The Baron sat on Zelda's Royal Council. At that precise moment, though, he sat in a plush chair, one leg crossed over the other, his fingers pressed together as he watched the Hero with a lopsided smile.

"Link," he said.

"I'm here to take you in," the Hero replied.

"Oh dear," said the Baron. "Can't we just talk about this...?" His eyes flicked up to the weapon strapped on the Hero's back. A slow smile spread over his lips. "You _have_ come to talk this out. Incredible. You haven't drawn your sword."

"I'm done with that," said the Hero. "I don't like what happens when I do."

The Baron chuckled. "And yet you still wear it."

The Hero felt his cheek twitch at that, but said nothing.

"Ah…still that same old naïve boy from the forest, aren't you? Still believe the world is all black and white? That's why I loathe heroes. All so righteous, all so _smug,_ never admitting that you have your dark sides, too." A flash of anger made him bear his teeth. "Hypocrites. Like someone who doesn't want to draw a sword, but carries one anyway"

The Hero ignored the taunts. "You don't need to do this."

"Do _what,_ exactly?" the nobleman asked. "You haven't charged me with anything. Do you even have the authority to do so...?"

"You want to stage a coup. Overthrow Princess Zelda. Cause chaos."

The Baron sniffed. "And your argument against...?"

"Look around you. You have wealth. Power. You don't need to touch the princess. Think about it. All the alliances she's worked so hard to build will snap in an instant. The bloodshed…"

"And if I change course, you'll just ...what? Forgive and forget…?"

The Hero hesitated, then said, "If you're sincere."

Throwing back his head, the Baron let fly with a hearty laugh. "Good. Very good. You're _so_ entertaining."

The Hero glared. "Why would you do this?"

"Because it's _fun,_ " the Baron replied. "That's why. I'm not sure if you've ever come across the concept. Deceiving the Council? Fooling you and Zelda? I _liked_ it. It's much better than my usual, more direct, schemes."

"Usual...?"

The Baron waved away the question. "Enough. You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

The Hero took a step forward – but was stopped in his tracks as the Baron held up a hand. "Ah," he said, then pointed. "Observe."

The Hero turned. And swallowed.

There was someone else in the room. An unconscious someone, chained to one richly-tapestried wall The Hero's face was unreadable. His only reaction was a slight twitch in his set jaw.

"Saria."

"Look at you," said the Baron. "Just look at you. You don't even get _angry._ Stop pretending to be _good._ They call you the _Hero_ and you try so, _so_ hard to live up to it. To live up to _her._ Just to make others live up to you. Pathetic."

The Hero inhaled. "Let her go."

He turned –to see the Baron standing, his eyes twin orbs of flame that trailed thin, black smoke.

"Here," the nobleman growled. "Have this." He flung a dark, swirling orb of purple energy straight at the Hero. "And this."

The Hero of Time threw up his arms to deflect - but he wasn't fast enough. Both spheres hit him straight in the chest. He held up his hands. They began to glow. "What…?"

"A pair of gifts," said the Baron. "Just say the word, and you can make anyone sleep at your command. Say another, and they'll forget you were ever there. Don't use them too often, though. You'll use up your energy and end up a shrivelled husk of a man."

The Hero looked up from his hands to the Baron, a questioning look in his eyes.

"You'll need both," the Baron replied. "Though you can't use the memory spell on yourself. I wouldn't want you to forget."

"Forget...?"

"All the fun you're going to have," said the Baron, his lips splitting into a wide smile. "When I teach you to finally break bad."

 _Now_

"The Temple of Time," said the Hero, peering up out of his hood at the huge, triple-spired structure. The others stood alongside him in the gardened courtyard. Only the two Links still wore their fake priestly robes. "This is where she's hidden the Ocarina. Up in the tallest bell tower."

"Right," said Link. "Great. I take it you want to use it to go back in time."

"To fix what you did," Tetra added.

"To be a hero again," Link added.

"A hero?" his counterpart snorted. "Like you?"

"Never said I was."

"Neither did I," the Hero of Time replied. His voice softened. "But people used to think I was Hyrule's mightiest."

"Uh huh," said Link. "So, how're we getting the Ocarina down from that tower? Ask it to throw down its hair for us?"

"Is everything a joke to you?"

"Is everything a line from the Avengers to you?"

"Wait," said Tetra. "That's really your plan? To use this Ocarina doohickey to alter the past?"

Link leaned in toward his captain, and began whispering. "It's not a doohickey. It's an Ocarina. A special one. You can tell from the capital 'O'." He raised his voice. "So, yeah. _Is_ that your plan?"

The Hero of Time said nothing. He didn't even turn to look at them. The tweeting of birds filled in the silence.

"Come to think of it," said Link. "Bad idea. Paradox. If you steal the Ocarina to go back in time to change history, then you won't have a reason to steal the Oca-"

"I don't care," the Hero spat.

Link shook his head. "Charming."

"I'm not taking advice from a cell-shaded doodle."

Link gaped. "Low blow, bro!"

"You need to tell us what happened," Tetra continued. "If you want our help. What is it you want to fix?"

"Get me the Ocarina," the Hero growled. "And I won't need you anymore."

"You needed us in the dungeons," said Link. "And back in Lon Lon."

"I told you, doodle," the Hero insisted. "I would've taken that beast."

Link grit his teeth. "Don't. Call. Me. That."

"Whatever," Tetra replied. "Allying with murderers doesn't sit right with me, champ. So you need to explain everything. Like, now."

The Hero finally turned to them and smiled a cold smile. "Or what?"

"Or," Link added, reaching out with his hand. "I could just pluck the info from your head. With a little twist of narrative nudging."

The Hero jerked back. "No!" he snapped. "You don't mind-meld with me. You don't see into my head."

"Intimacy issues," said Tetra. "Figures."

The Hero of Time drew his sword. "Don't come near me."

Link freed his own blade. Tetra flipped her pistol out from its holster to point it at the Hero. She pulled back the hammer with her thumb.

"You better run, better run," said Link quietly. "You won't outrun her gun."

"We want to understand," said Tetra.

"There's nothing _to_ understand," said the Hero. "I killed the Royal Council, and with their blood still fresh on my sword, I burned Kakariko to the ground and stayed to watch to make sure they were all dead. Now I want the Ocarina to –"

"You say it all so matter-of-factly!" said Tetra, her voice hot. "It's almost like a boast."

The Hero stared hard at her. "Maybe it is."

Link spoke. "You said you didn't like it. You didn't take any pleasure from it."

"Maybe I lied."

"My, my, my," said Malon with a shake of her head. "How do you people even get out your front door in the mornin'? The way you go fer ya weapons at the smallest disagreement. Y'all heard of just talking it out?"

A strange expression flickered over the Hero's face at the red-haired woman's words.

Malon gave Link a pointed look. "And do that _without_ threats to go pokin' around in someone's head, or whatever that blabber was."

Link turned to her. "I need to ask, Miss. What's with the accent? You didn't have this accent in the game."

Malon frowned. "What game?"

The Hero of Time was the first to lower his sword. He closed his eyes for a moment. "There's no masterplan," he said. "If that's what you're both worried about. No grand scheme that I've roped you into for my own ends."

Tetra still had her pistol trained on him. "We just supposed to take your word on that…?"

The Hero turned to address Link. "I thought we'd agreed that you'd trust me on this…?"

"We just want to _know,_ bro," said Link. " _They_ want to know."

Malon frowned again. "They…?"

The Hero of Time raised his sword again, but this time brought it to his free hand and slashed it across his palm. A crimson line bubbled up through the fresh slit in his dark glove. He closed his hand into a fist.

"A blood oath," he said. "The strongest my world has. No one would dare break it. Not even Ganondorf. Maybe."

Malon swallowed. "It's said any who does so is cursed."

I swear," said the Hero of Time. "I have no evil intention in all this."

With that, he turned away and stormed off.

Tetra looked at Link. "A word, please."

Once they were both out of earshot of Malon, Tetra asked. "Thoughts?"

"I don't like it," said Link.

Tetra nodded. "Agreed."

"You don't like the fact that we're fading into the background because _his_ plot is taking over…?"

Tetra froze mid-nod. "What?" she said. "No. That's not what I meant. Whatever the heck that was." She held back a moment to gather her thoughts, then said, "I need to know what _you_ think."

Link looked at her, surprised at the sudden vulnerability in her voice. For some reason, it made his heart swell in her direction.

"I think..." he started slowly. "I can't tell which way this arc is going. I have a sneaking suspicion the narrative is giving _them_ information that it's not to me. So long as it's not an angst arc, I suppose. Because that's not how we roll."

Tetra wore a faint smile. "Right. Cutting through all that gobbledegook, you're still not sure about him. Right?"

"Bingo."

"What's a bingo?" Tetra shook her head. "Never mind. Bottom line - we still can't trust him totally. But, judging from the look on your face, we're going to help him anyway."

"He can't turn bad," Link softly. "He just can't. None of us can."

Tetra let free a long breath. "Speaking of gobbledegook, what's a mind-meld, anyway?"

"Vulcan thing," said Link. His eyes tracked the Hero who was standing on the far side of the courtyard, hands clasped behind his back. Malon was there, too, tentatively reaching out to him. "Clearly he's a racialismist against Vulcans."

Tetra blinked. "That's not even a word."

"Vulcan so _is_ a word."

"No, I meant racia-" Tetra shook her head again, exasperated. She sighed. "Let's just get back and sort this mess out. I don't even know why I'm here anymore."

Link nodded. "The narrative needs to define your motivations better."

"Is it just me, or do the things you say only make sense in your head?"

"It's just you."

Tetra's voice soured. "When we get back home," she said. "I'm making you walk the plank."


	35. Wild

**35\. Wild**

 _Then_

Grin planted firmly on his face, the Hero of Time cut down the last remaining villager of Kakariko with a single downward slash of his sword. The village burned all around him, belching thick, black smoke into the air and smudging the blue sky above dark. Clad in his fire-resistant Goron Tunic, he didn't even notice the heat.

The Hero looked up at the sound of agonised shouts. Through the blur of the flames he saw the shadows of the Royal Guard approach. They spotted him, their faces horrified. His grin widened. They didn't dare come any closer. A burning beam in a nearby house collapsed, spraying sparks that caught on the breeze.

The Hero heard one of the guards begin to wail with despair.

A Kakariko native, then.

The Hero of Time turned away, his smile vanishing as he did so, and strode out of the village to safety.

Pausing to first brush away ash from his crimson tunic, he pulled free a glowing jewel from a pouch hanging from his belt. At his touch, the faint image of the Baron hovered into view.

"Have fun?" said the nobleman. "The thrill of the battle. The power of taking another life. Admit it. You missed it."

The Hero's throat tightened. "It's done."

"Ah," said the Baron. "Good, I suppose. Rest assured, I'll be keeping to my oath. As for you, though. Heh. You've got the rest of your life to look forward to."

The Baron's cackle filled the Hero's ears. He cut it off abruptly by gripping the stone hard in his palm.

Tears filled the Hero of Time's eyes.

 _Now_

They opened the door to the Temple of Time's tallest belltower, ducked the squeaking Keese that came fluttering out, then slowly looked up at the sight that greeted them.

"Stairs," said Link.

"Tsk," said Malon. "And me with the wrong set of shoes."

"I suppose we go up, then," said Tetra.

"Come on," growled the Hero.

They climbed the long, winding path, noting the bare stone walls and the uncarpeted steps, until they came to a second set of doors. Pushing these open revealed -

"More stairs," said Link.

"Keep going," said the Hero.

They did, their breathing getting shallow as they climbed up through the dreary, gray surroundings, the muscles in their legs protesting in pain. They reached more doors. And opening them, they found -

Link's eyes narrowed. " _Even more_ _stairs."_

"Onwards," said the Hero.

Steps. Climb. Doors.

Link put a palm to the wooden surface of the new entrance. "I swear," he said, voice dark as he steadied his breath, "if this opens out onto yet more stairs, then I don't know who you are, Stairmaker, and I don't know what you want, but I'm telling you this: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a toon nightmare for people like you. And I will look for you, I _will_ find you...and I will kill you."

He pushed -

And they were all engulfed in a bright flash.

The light faded, leaving only a set of glowing blue patterns against a dark void.

"Open your eyes," said a soft, feminine voice. "Wake up, Link."

Link did so, finding himself submerged in fast receding water. He blinked, looked around...

And his face fell.

"Oh...no..." he murmured. Sliding off the slab he'd been lying upon, he found himself in an almost- darkened chamber with walls veined with faint orange and blue lines. A soft hum was a constant sound in the background.

The others were there with him, all blinking in confusion - except the Hero of Time who was covering his eyes with one palm and slowly shaking his head.

"No, no, no," whispered Link. He drank in his surroundings, but there was no doubt now. Link took a staggering step forward, as though he was re-learning to walk, then another.

Everyone looked up to watch him.

He threw back his head and bellowed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Tetra reached him in a few strides, her boots stomping prints into the sand strewn across the floor, and slapped him hard across the face. "Pull yourself together, sailor," she snapped. "What is this place? What do you know? Where are we?"

"I want the stairs back," he hissed. "Yeah. Please. I'd rather have the stairs. Not this. Anything but this."

"We're in the future," the Hero's deep voice echoed through the room. "The stairs were an illusion, a trick put there by the princess to deter would-be thieves. I should have realised, but she was always the smarter one." He looked around. "This was her next option. Transporting us into the future." He thought on this for a moment. "At least, I assume it is."

Link piped in. "We won't truly know until they release the damn thing, and we find out what the plot is."

"Y'all talking nonsense," said Malon. She placed her hands on her hips. "Answer Miss Tetra's question."

"Five words," said Link, turning to address the farm woman. "Five hateful, bitter, foul words." He readied himself by drawing in some air. "Breath. Of. The. Wild."

"That's four words, honey-pie," Malon replied.

"Stop calling me that," said Link. "I am not a pony."

Malon frowned. "What?"

"Let's get outside," said the Hero. "There will be a portal out of here. There must be."

"How do you know?" asked Tetra. "What if we're trapped here?"

The Hero of Time shook his head. "Princess Zelda wouldn't do that," he said. "It's not her style."

Tetra sniffed in disdain. "Not impressed," she said under her breath. "And they say I'm descended from her. Whatever."

"Outside," said the Hero.

"Remember to take the Sheikah Slate," Link added.

Malon looked even more confused. "And that would be...?"

"A tablet device in a pseudo-medieval world." Seeing Malon's face crumple into bewilderment, Link nodded in sympathy. "I _know,_ right...?"

Malon sighed. "Ah knew I'd regret asking..."

The Hero scooped up the item in question, and then they all entered the next room, lit by a parallel row of lanterns giving off an eerie sapphire glow. They passed by some thick, dust-covered wooden chests as they made to leave. Malon stopped to open one.

"Looks like someone left some ol' pants in here," she said.

Tetra looked at them. "Well-worn."

Malon kicked open a second chest. "Shirt," she announced.

Tetra peered inside. "Old."

They reached a set of doors. A pedestal that cast their collective faces in its glowing light stood nearby.

"Hold the Sheikah Slate up to the pedestal," the soft, feminine voice said again. "That will show you the way."

"Who _is_ that?" said Tetra.

Link shrugged. "No one knows yet," he answered. "Ask me if I even care." He raised his voice. "You heard that right, Miss Posh-British-Voice." His jaw set in rigid conviction. "I. Do. Not. Care."

The Hero was the one who did as the voice asked. The door opened, and daylight flooded in. He led the party through the new passageway, stepping through some pooled water, and climbing up a large rock, until they were out.

Tetra was the first one to stop short and just stare. Her breath vanished. "This is..." she gasped. "I thought that last place was green...but _this_..." Her eyes watered.

Malon was gazing around in shock as well. "It looks like Hyrule but..." She blinked. "So beautiful..."

Link kicked idly at a small pebble. "Seen better."

"Look..." said Malon. "Is that Death Mountain...?" The shadow of a cloud-haloed mountain stood in the distance.

Tetra pointed. "And that's where we just _left,"_ he said. "The Temple of Time."

They looked, and there it stood - except it was different. Decrepit, strewn with the ruins of shattered stone monuments, the gardened courtyard now a mass of overgrown weeds.

The ground rumbled.

"What," said Malon, "was that?"

Link scanned the horizon, his eyes slowly tracking from left to right to left to -

A flicker of movement stopped him. "There," he breathed. "I think I know this."

The Hero came to stand next to him. "Agreed."

They both looked at each other, then spoke in one voice: "The first footage!"

A blast of energy hurtled over their heads and shattered rock just behind them, showering them all in hot pebbles.

"Whoa!" cried Tetra, throwing up her arms as cover.

The creature came into view, spider-like with legs that were more akin to octopus tentacles. A single eye - glowing, of course; everything seemed to glow in this place, Link realised - enclosed in an ornately decorated cylinder sat atop its torso.

Malon's eyes widened. "What were you sayin' about the princess's style and all...?"

"Get behind me," the Hero of Time barked as he slid his sword free. "This is mine!"

He shoved Link back toward the two women, then leapt in. Another blast flew from the creature, catching the Hero a glancing blow to the shoulder. He careened into the ground, rolled, then sprang up, hissing, bringing his blade to bear. A faint wisp of black smoke trailed from his fresh wound.

Link looked at Tetra.

"He's an idiot," she said.

"Absolutely," Link replied.

More blasts followed, rapid-fire. The Hero was struggling, spending all his time - and energy - dodging the attacks. More rocks shattered, grass wilted and burned under the relentless assault. A stray shrapnel of stone hit the Hero straight in the head. He fell, his boots churning up dirt, helpless.

The eye of the spider began to power up.

" _Do_ somethin!" shrieked Malon.

Link swiped his hat from his head. He pulled free a bow and quiver and tossed them to Tetra just as she sprinted past. He reached in again, found his grappling hook, and set it into a spin, then threw.

The triple-spiked hook bit into a boulder. Link pulled the rope taut directly in front of the monster, sending a spider-web of cracks blooming out over the stone surface of the rock. Tetra leapt, landed on the rope, then leapt again, pulling the bowstring back, an arrow already notched into place.

Link bared in his teeth as he maintained his grip. "Taste-"

"-Justice!" cried Tetra, and let the arrow fly free.

It spun, steel arrowhead catching the sharp glint of the sun, before it struck the monster in its single eye. The creature gave one last roar - then exploded.

Panting for breath, Link and Tetra went to join the fallen Hero. Malon followed them, one hand against her chest to steady her nerves.

Link held out his hand to his counterpart. The Hero looked up at them warily.

"Why?" he said, his voice holding a slight tremor. "After you both know what I did...?"

Link shrugged. "I thought that was the plan. When you first asked us for help. And besides -" Link glanced at Tetra who joined in with the rest, "That's how Team Tetra roll!"

The Hero blinked, lost for a moment in his own thoughts. Then, after a moment, he sighed, took Link's hand and allowed himself to be pulled up.

The Hero looked from Link to Tetra, visibly swallowing, though his face was unreadable. "You...work well together."

Link flashed a small, but warm smile. "Always room for one more."

"I -"

"Ahem," said a new voice.

They turned. Link pulled his hook free, and spun it above his head, ready. Tetra's bow creaked as she pulled the string taut again and quickly set an arrow into place. The Hero brought his sword up, gripping tight with both gloved hands.

Birds sang. Branches shivered, tickled by the breeze. The newcomer padded out of the shadows and softly into view.

Recognition hit Tetra first. "Twilight Wolf...?!"

Howl. Moon. Starlit sky.

Malon's jaw dropped open. "What...Did anyone...Huh?" Her eyes darted here and there, as though not quite sure she believed what they'd just witnessed.

"Does no-one ever stay dead?" said Link. "What is this...? A Marvel comic...?"

"My friends," said Twilight. "At last, I have found you. I searched far and wide, but I never gave in to the craven calls of despair."

"What are you even doing here?" said Tetra. I

"I believe I know the way out. Come, follow me."


	36. Smackdown

**35\. Smackdown**

Ah, nuts.

It's a first-person POV.

Not a fan. I must say.

So, here's the deal, people. Twilight - if that really is his name - is leading us through the ruins of the Temple of Time.

Actually, wait.

Rewind.

Now the Twiglet Kitten has called me aside for a little wolf-to-man chat.

"I have heard," he says, "during my extensive travels, that our erstwhile counterpart there –" He raises a paw the Hero's way. "- actually smiled when he killed all those poor innocents in Kakariko village."

That is troubling news. Mainly because I need to look up the definition of 'erstwhile.'

"There's more than meets the eye here," I say.

The Giblet Puppy shakes its furry head. "You have too much faith. You're well-meaning, but you know what infernal world good intentions lead to, don't you? "

"My Immortal?"

"Exactly."

I decide to change tack. "How are you alive, anyway?"

"Ah," he says, nodding sagely, "Thereby hangs a tale. That lightning bolt that struck me?"

"Back in Chapter 20, yeah."

"Apparently, it was nothing more than a teleportation blast. The ash was just for dramatic effect."

"It sent you here?"

"Indeed." The Thermite Golf nods again. He does that a lot. "Eventually, that is. There were other worlds first. But, yes, this was my final destination."

"Poor you."

"Ah, your hatred for Breath of the Wild rears its ugly head. You need to…let it go." His eye twinkles.

"Don't. Don't you dare. You are not a queen with magical ice powers." I change tack again. "Anyway. You go on about me and Breath, but no one ever mentions that the narrative hardly ever talks about Skyward me – us – in any of his stories. I mean…what's up with that?"

"There's another thing," says Flea-bite Snoopy. "About the Hero. He plans to use the Ocarina of Time."

"I know this."

"But do you know how? The Song of Time. Heard of it?"

"Yeah."

"It's been warped. Now it can take a person to any time – and place – they may desire."

This time I nod. Now that is useful information. You never know when information like that may come in handy _later._

"Why," says the Finite Woof, "are you nudging me while attempting to wink surreptitiously?"

So.

Back to where we were. The Temple of Time. It's all a little creepy here. Broken slabs jut out from the ground. Vines strangle the walls. The roof is non-existent. The wailing wind winds its way through the withered, weather-worn ancient temple like purple prose through this sentence.

The Hero of Time occasionally takes point to clear away any debris in our way. What a guy. Smoke him a kipper, he'll be back for breakfast.

Speaking of the Hero, I notice that he sometimes trots alongside the Airtight Elf to lean down and share some whispered conversation.

Suspicious.

The Hero of Time seems to notice that I notice, though. He casts a glance my way.

"Our newly rediscovered wolf friend Twilight here was telling me how far it was to the portal that will lead us back to my world," he says.

"Indeed," says the dog in response. "Why, it appears the Hero of Time is in much haste."

I arc an eyebrow. Who the heck talks like that? First, I know who and what you both are. I know where we're going. I know we're –

Oh. Oh, wait. Facepalm. It's a mini-recap. For those of you readers that may have forgotten. Of _course_.

Well, next time pay better attention. Yes, I'm talking to you. Well, there's no one else here in this narration, so I must be talking to you.

Speaking of paying attention, none of the party has noticed that we're being followed. Allow me to remedy that in a moment. First, though, I spy the Hero and Twiglet still whispering together like a pair of anime schoolgirls.

Cute.

I don't feel excluded in the slightest.

I can be just as bad-ass as either of them.

"Hey," I say. "You want to share? Before I'm forced to grab you both and ram a hairy coconut where the sun don't shine, sunshine."

Yeah.

Bad.

Ass.

Everyone's stopped to look at me. Speechless, obviously.

"Excuse me?" says the Hero.

"Are you…not well?" asks Twitlit.

Hold on. What's with Malon? Her lip is twitching.

Wait. Even Tetra's in on it.

Malon and Tetra burst out laughing. The Hero and Tightlight are trying hard not to follow suit.

This is just…I'm getting very…enough is enough and I've had –

"Bring me a coconut," I growl.

"What?" says the Hero.

 _"BRING ME A COCONUT!"_

We skip forward five minutes. I'm calm now. And I note that we're still being followed.

"Hey," I say. "You guys go on ahead. I'll catch up."

Tetra frowns at me. "You sure, Li-" She stops herself. We decided between us not to reveal my name, just for Malon's sake. Poor girl is confused enough already. Happens when you live around cows for too long.

"Yeah," I say. "Don't worry."

The captain shrugs and makes her way with the rest. I wait until they're out of sight, then turn to face our pursuer. I spy a shadow approaching, though I can't make out any features yet. Doesn't matter. He –if it is a he – won't be getting any closer.

"Say," I say. "Do you happen to know what a compound word is, friend?"

The shuffling shape stops short. "I…" he –it's deffo a he – says. "I believe I -"

"It's when two words come together laying a smackdown onto anything that's unfortunate enough to get trapped in-between. Splat!"

The stranger cocks his head. "Huh…?"

 **SMACK DOWN**

 **SMACKDOWN**

 **SPLAT!**

Our pursuer is now as thin as a Paper Mario sprite after that onslaught, if you smell what the Link is cookin'. Like a leaf caught on the breeze, he glides gently to the ground.

"But…" he croaks "I only wished to help…"

A likely story.

Though, upon closer examination, he does look like a cloaked and hooded doppelganger of King Daphnes from my world.

Hmm.

Whistling the theme to Monkey Island, I lift up a piece of perfectly rendered broken masonry and slide him under there with my foot before anyone notices, making sure his urgent protests are snuffed out by the sheer weight of the stone. I then run to catch up to my friends.

It's then that I realise I'm too late.

They're under attack from another monster, a giant roaring blob of a thing with yet another single glowing eye.

Well, Tetra and Malon are.

The Hero of Time and the puppy are nowhere to be seen. Typical.

I pull off my hat and enter the fray.

* * *

"Faster," said the Hero of Time. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was following

The Twilight Wolf prowled ahead "Sir, I must protest," it said. "This does not sit right with me. I still cannot believe I failed to convince you from this course of action."

"I didn't ask for your opinion," the Hero retorted. "I just asked you to lead me to this portal."

"This isn't right," the wolf said with a shake of its head. "You're just going to leave them?"

"I'm better off without them," he replied. "And, more importantly, they're better off without me. I'm sure you'll go back and show them the way home."

"That's not the point," Twilight insisted. "I saw how they fought for you."

"So? It's not like they truly trust me."

"So, they're _heroes._ Have you forgotten what that is…?" The wolf turned, its eyes burning. "Have you wallowed so deep into yourself that you've forgotten what it means to be a Link…?"

The Hero of Time stopped to glare back at the creature. The words rang in his ears. His hand – the one he'd cut – closed into a fist. With a snarl, he opened his mouth and gave his heated reply.

* * *

Link pulled his hand free from his hat – and came out with nothing.

"What?" he gasped.

A muffled grunt made him snap his head up. The blob monster had grown a pulsing tentacle and had just used it to swipe Tetra aside. She went rolling violently across the ground, her bow spinning from her grasp. Link felt his heart squeeze.

He ran – straight into a second tentacle that thrust out suddenly from the blob. Link went sliding back across the floor, his back burning from the friction.

The Temple shook. Slates fell from what remained from the roof. The blob began to rise, a ring of metallic legs sprouting from the base of its body. A third tentacle appeared, wrapping itself around Malon. She banged her fists against at as it took her slowly into the air and brought her up close to its pulsing eye.

Tetra picked up her bow, crouched, and let fly with an arrow. The shaft bounced harmlessly off of the creature's thick hide. She loosed a second arrow; the blob swatted it aside.

Link plunged his hand into his hat again. His fingers grasped at empty air. "What is going on?"

A dark blur whistled past him. It struck the blob straight in its eye. The creature skittered back on its spindly legs, and roared, dropping Malon in the process.

Link looked up. A hook had lodged itself into the blob's eye, a hook attached to a chain. His eyes followed the trail, turning around to see –

The Hero of Time standing tall, grim-faced, one hand on his hip. From a somewhere sudden gust of wind sent his clothes into a flutter, and the sunlight caught his outline just _so._ He tugged with his other hand, and the hookshot retracted with a rattle.

The Hero looked down at Link. "You have your grapple?"

"Well, I –" Link idly placed his hand into his hat again. And was surprised to feel the rope of his grappling hook waiting inside. "Yeah. Yeah, I do." He looked toward the blob, and knew what he had to do. "Trip it up?"

The Hero smiled, then glanced over at Tetra. "Miss," he called. "Two more hits to the eye should do it." He raised his hookshot. Sunlight glinted off of the spike. "Here's one."

"Say no more." Tetra set at an arrow to the bowstring. "I got this."

The blob shuffled forward, snarling, setting the entire Temple into a tremor. Link threw his hook – it caught on a wall, and he pulled, the rope straightening just as the blob's metal legs hit it.

The blob began to topple. The Hero of Time and Tetra waited, waited, waited…until the creature's bulging, bloodshot eye was directly in sight. Tetra loosed her arrow just as the Hero fired his hookshot.

"Bullseye," said the Hero softly.

The blob exploded.

Malon ran straight to the Hero who caught her in a one-armed hug. Twilight Wolf slinked around to curl himself around the Hero's feet.

Link shook his head. "Money for nothing," he muttered. "And the chicks for free."

The Hero's other hand came down to rest on Link's shoulder.

"Nicely done," said the Hero of Time with a faint smile. "Bro."

He then looked up to give Tetra an acknowledging nod, coupled with a friendly wink.

"Ugh," Captain Tetra rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

* * *

Twilight Wolf led them to the portal with no further incident. Another flash of light took them straight back to the Hero's time – but this time they re-emerged in a small, hexagonal room, bare except for a single pedestal. There was something on it, cast in pale lavender porcelain, and resting on a plush, deep purple cushion.

The Hero swallowed. "The Ocarina of Time."

He looked at Malon, who gave him a short, encouraging nod. Reaching out, his fingers brushed the cool, smooth surface –

Only to have Link snatch it from his grasp.

The Hero frowned. "What?"

"I need to know," Link replied. "I need to know what happened."

"No!" the Hero cried. "We have strength in unity! Isn't that what I've just learned?"

Link shook his head. "It's not that. The story's dropping hits like a stone. _They_ want to know. Either that, or the unhinged, insane concept has finally pushed them over the edge. None of which has any connection to why I'm going to get to the bottom of your arc. Like, right now."

Link raised the Ocarina to his lips and played the Song of Time.


	37. Hero

**37\. Hero**

Link found himself in a corridor – always, a corridor – in Hyrule Castle's past. He stood facing a tall, wall-mounted mirror. His reflection stared back at him.

"Oh boy," he said.

Something from above caught his eye. It was a crack in the ceiling tiles, a hint that it had been moved recently. Link took a few steps back, then ran for the wall, scaled up it, - parkour style - and, with a kick, knocked the tile free. He landed on both feet, then looked up again.

There. An opening.

Using his grappling hook, Link climbed up into the narrow place between the ceiling and the floor above, a tunnel of sorts, if you could call it that.

 _You just did, bud._

Shifting the tile back into place, Link dragged himself onward, squeezing through the tight space when, suddenly, a loose tile beneath him fell away. Link plummeted, landing with a splash into the room below.

Link's nose wrinkled. It stank down here. Water had pooled at the bottom, and a layer of thin, greenish scum lay on its surface. He looked around. There was no door, just four steel walls, stained brown with rust and debris.

"Trash compactor," he muttered. "Why would they even hav-"

He was cut off by a low, long screech. The entire room lurched, then, slowly, two of the walls parallel to the other began closing in.

Link sighed. "Obviously…" he said. "The narrative has to go all the way."

He pulled off his hat, and brought out his grappling hook. Link looked up. The walls began to encroach in on his shoulders. He wouldn't have time to climb up. He needed something to block the walls.

The pressure was starting to grow now as the walls pushed in. Soon, he'd be stuck fast. And then turned into Hylian jam.

Link's mind raced. Think! He had to think. Had to –

His face brightened. "Of course!"

He squeezed up one arm to begin to spinning the hook. This would be tight.

"Yeah. Literally."

Link's eyes scanned the water below, searching, searching…

"Gotcha."

Link threw the hook. It pierced the surface of the pool, then the rope wrapped itself around the intended target. Using both hands, Link heaved the rope back up, and hurled a tentacled creature into the air.

The thing caught between the two walls. A metallic squeal followed, the room shuddered, and then the walls stopped, silent.

Link let out a long breath. He looked up at the creature. It twitched once, twice, then fell still.

"I hate squid," he said.

Untangling the rope, Link whipped it up into the space he'd fallen through, then began to climb. As he passed the squid on his way up, a sudden thought occurred to him.

Link's eyes narrowed. " _Wait,_ " he said. "If this thing was down there all the time…then it would've blocked the walls anyway."

He dislodged the hook, and put it back into his hat, then continued his crawl. Voices, faint and slightly muffled, drifted his way. Link changed direction to follow. Finally, when he was satisfied he'd reached the right room, Link stopped to listen.

"Saria."

Link recognised the voice as his counterpart's.

"Look at you," said a second voice. "Just look at you."

As the man droned on, Link was surprised to find he recognised this one, too.

"Baron Von JoBo…?" he whispered to himself. "No way." Link shook his head, then mused out loud. "How can he be here? He was dead. Is dead. Is going to be dead."

 _Oh, and by the way, Mr Narrative? That wasn't to myself. It was for the readers. Oh yeah, I can do recaps, too. And don't think I didn't notice that you titled two chapters in a row as '35.' I'm watching you, champ._

Link wiggled in an attempt to get more comfortable, then pressed his eye to a gap in the wood. It felt cool to the touch.

"Though," the Baron was saying. "You can't use the memory spell on yourself. I wouldn't want you to forget."

"Forget?" the Hero asked.

"All the fun you're going to have. When I finally teach you to break bad." The Baron chuckled – then stopped, looking up, his nose twitching. "Do you smell something…? Like…rotten fish…?"

Link heard the Hero drew his sword. "You're babbling."

"Oh, _now_ you take your sword out?" The Baron stepped out of Link's line of sight. He heard the sound of steel whispering again. "Shame that I have but a humble dagger. But I can do… _this._ "

Link heard metal slice.

"A blood oath…?" asked the Hero. "Why?"

"I promise not to overthrow Princess Zelda," said the Baron. "I promise to keep your precious friend here safe."

"And in return…?"

"You kill the Royal Council. Bar myself, of course." A pause, then, "Seriously…do you smell something…?"

"The Council."

"Ah, yes." The Baron stepped back into Link's view. "I've infected the whole lot of the pompous fools with a ReDead virus. Their guards, too."

"What…?"

"Oh, yes. They're sound asleep now, but in the morning…? They'll start _biting._ Soon the whole castle will be infected."

The Hero looked aghast. "I'll…find a way…to…"

"There's no antidote," the Baron cut in. "You have to kill them. Use the memory spell I gave you on any uninfected guards you meet on your way there. And then put them to sleep. I don't want you to be caught _just_ yet."

Anger rang in the Hero's voice. "Make an antidote!"

"You're not listening. They're dead already. Their souls – brains – whatever you want to call them, were dead the moment the virus entered their veins."

"You give up too easily."

"And _you,_ " the Baron spat. "Just have to kill the bodies. Wipe them out. All of them."

Link spied the Hero looking down at his blade; a blurred reflection stared back.

"This…" the Hero said. "I can't…"

"You will," the Baron said softly. "And you know why…? Secretly, you like it. You like the killing. That's what I want you to realise. That you were born for this. After all, what's the point of a warrior without an enemy to smite?"

The Hero glanced up. "They're not my enemies."

"They are now," said the Baron.

"I wo-"

The Baron held up a hand. "Let me finish now." He grinned. "You'll like this bit."

The Hero paled. "What else have you done?"

The Baron shrugged, looking sheepish. "I may have _accidently_ slipped the rest of the virus into the Kakariko village water well. I'm afraid, to be truly rid of that much virus, you'll have to kill _and_ burn all trace of them. The good news is that if you do this, I will leave Hyrule and Saria in peace." He held up his cut palm. "Oath. Isn't that what you wanted…? Peace…? Or did you think it came without a hefty price…?"

"I'll find you –"

"You won't. Here's the catch, 'Hero.' Those two magic spells I gave you? There's a third hidden amongst them. If you tell anyone the real reason why you had to kill the Council and burn Kakariko – or if you tell anyone beforehand - I'll know about. If you even _hint_ at the reason. Even by accident. And that would mean I'd be free of my oath, and you can say goodbye to Zelda, Saria and your precious peace."

The Hero stood glaring, his throat working, but his lips pressed firmly in a grim line.

"So, go," the Baron continued. "Go be a _Hero_."

He handed the Hero a glittering, blue jewel. "When it's done, touch that, and you can let me know. One more thing, though." The Hero of Time took the stone with a limp grasp." One last, _tiny_ little condition."

"Say it," the Hero spat.

"When you massacre Kakariko and torch the wretched place, I want you to _smile._ Smile while you're doing the deed. Smile real good. And make sure Zelda's Royal Guard _see_ you smiling."

The Baron laughed, long and loud. "On the run. Hunted. Hated. Enjoy your peace, 'Hero.' Welcome to the real world. There is no black or white. There are just choices."

Link heard the door slam as the Hero left. The Baron continued to laugh, wiping away tears, then stopped, sniffing, to say, "Really…what _is_ that smell?"

With a clammy hand, Link brought the Ocarina to his lips, focussed on when and where he'd last seen Tetra, then played the Song of Time.

Link re-emerged in the room where they'd found the Ocarina. He looked at his counterpart. "Framed," he said softly. "You were in a no-win situation."

Malon scrunched up her nose. "You stink like my Bessie's turd."

"I hope," said Link, "that Bessie's a cow and not a close friend of yours."

Malon raised her chin. "Might be a bit of both."

The Hero, his eyes shadowed, couldn't meet Link's gaze. His voice croaked. "You know?"

Link nodded. "Everything."

"What's he sayin'?" said Malon. She turned to Link. "What'd you see?"

Tetra watched in silence, arms folded, a thoughtful look on her tanned face as Twilight prowled at her feet.

The Hero looked away from them all. "I could have found a way to free them from the virus. I just…I'm not as clever as the princess. All I'm good at is being a weapon. At killing."

Link stepped toward him. "Bro –"

A new voice cut in. "You were never a weapon."

The Hero of Time inhaled in recognition. Somewhere deep within the Temple gears and pulleys began to grind. One wall split apart revealing the newcomers.

The Hero swallowed. "Princess…"

Zelda, flanked by a pair of her guards, looked at each of the party in turn, frowning slightly when her eyes reached Link, but recovering her regal composure in an instant.

"Did you think," she said, her voice stern, "that you could reach the Ocarina without me knowing…?"

"Hold on…" said Tetra. "That means you wanted us to use it. Why else turn up now?"

"I'm forbidden to use the Ocarina," Princess Zelda replied. "But I _can_ see what it sees. Hear what it hears."

The Hero of Time cast his gaze downward. "That means you know…"

"I do," she said, taking a step closer to him. "And I have only thing to say." Zelda took his gloved hands in her own and then, with eyes glistening and a faint smile, said, "Welcome back, my hero."

The Hero of Time blinked in surprise. And then, after a moment's hesitation, his whole body sagged in relief. He smiled in return.

"Um," said Link. "Yeah. Very sweet. Just one catch." He waited until they had all turned his way. "As far as I understand it, now that _I_ know, and that _she_ knows…well, that must means that _he_ knows."

And, right on cue, they all looked up sharply as the disembodied sound of Baron Von JoBo's deep, ringing laughter filled the Temple of Time.


	38. Switch

**38\. Switch**

Link and Tetra fell through the sky, arms outstretched. Whistling air filled their clothes, setting the fabric into a billowing flutter like the wind pushing sailcloth. They couldn't even see the ground yet. Just clouds. Maybe if they _could_ see the ground, they'd feel a whole lot more scared.

"What's happening _now?_ " Tetra called, as she struggled to stop herself from gulping in too much cold air. "Where is everyone? How did we get _here_?"

"It's Von JoBo," Link replied. "He's making us switch scenes. Also, some people are reading this chapter twice due to a screw-up."

Tetra didn't catch that last sentence. "Von JoBo?" she said. "He's dead."

"Guess not," said Link. "But I think he might be a bit miffed with us."

"Obviously."

"It's not that," Link replied. "It's -

A choral voice began to sing a single note, filling their ears.

"What _now?"_ said Tetra.

"Hold on tight, Captain," Link said softly. "I don't think this chapter is going to be very big on sanity."

The clouds parted.

Giant yellow words headed their way.

 **The Toonsons**

The choral voice intoned the words as a light ditty kicked in. Images flashed in time to the tune.

Link found himself in front of a blackboard, chalk in hand, repeatedly writing the line, 'I MUST NOT HATE ON BREATH OF THE WILD.' A bell rang. Grinning, Link dived out of a nearby door, and slid out of the building on a skateboard.

Tetra stood holding a supermarket trolley as a bored cashier checked through her goods. The pirate captain looked down at herself.

"What kind of dress is this?" she said. Tetra looked around. "Why is everyone yellow?" She looked up. "Why do I have a massive blue beehive on my head?"

She felt the trolley jolt as something was dumped into it. Tetra heard the rhythmic sound of a toothless mouth sucking. She looked, blinked, then looked again.

"And why," she said, "do I have a baby?!"

 _ **SWITCH**_

"Link," said Tetra, frowning. "Everything's changed again. You're bobbing your head. Stop it." She gazed around. "And what is that beat…?"

Link inhaled. "Now this is a story all about how,  
My life got flipped, turned upside down,  
And I'd like to take a minute,  
Just sit right there,  
And I'll tell you how I became the Hero of Fresh Air."

Tetra arched one eyebrow. "O…kay."

Link took in another breath. "In Outset Island,  
Born and raised,  
In my sister's lookout,  
Is where I spent most of my days,  
Chillin out, sleepin, avoiding my chores,  
And shooting out ZZZs instead of attending school.  
When a big giant bird who was up to no good,  
Started making trouble in my neighbourhood,  
My sister got kidnapped,  
And Grandma got scared,  
She said, 'It's time for you to become the Hero of Legend.'"

 _ **SWITCH**_

Link curled his hands around the metal bars and stared glumly out of the cage. "What shall we do now, Tetra?"

"The same thing we do every night, Linky," she replied. "Try to take over the world."

 _They're Linky and Elaine._

" _Tetra._ "

 _Yes, Linky and Elaine._

"Tetra!"

 _One is a pirate. T_ _he other's insane._

"Hey!" cried Link.

 _To prove their toon-ey worth_

 _They'll overthrow the Earth._

 _They're dinky_

 _They're Linky and Elaine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine._

"TETRA!"

 _ **SWITCH**_

"Whoa!" said the captain as she tried to keep steady. They were flying, the two of them, swooping over deserts and mountains, sitting on a –

"Carpet?" she said, clutching the thin, richly-woven piece of fabric in panic. It rippled in the cool current of night air. Tetra looked down at herself. "What the heck am I wearing? I feel so naked." She looked up at Link. "And what's that on your head?"

The stars sped by overhead. Link coughed, then filled his lungs with air. "I can show you the world…"

Tetra narrowed a single eye. "You can?"

"Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, Princess –"

"Tetra."

"- now when did you last let your heart decide?"

"Well, probably breakfast time, actua-"

 _ **SWITCH**_

Link and Tetra floated in the eye of a hurricane, a kaleidoscope of myriad images swirling around them, accompanied by, on one hand, glowing text that hovered, silent or, on the other, a cacophony of noise, a melting pot of voices.

 _Toto,_ said one such voice, _I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..._

"I don't get it, Link," said Tetra.

"This is bad," he replied, voice thoughtful.

 _If you only face forward,_ _said another voice,_ _there is something you will miss seeing._

"What is?"

 _Rosebud_...

"He's not only changing scenes," said Link in response, "but he's controlling what we _do_ in those scenes as well."

"That explained nothing," said Tetra.

 _I see dead people..._

"All you need to know," said Link, "is that the Baron is playing us."

 _No, I am your father..._

"It's weird," Link went on. "The Hero of Time thought the Baron would go after him and _his_ princess."

 _But our princess is in another castle..._

"Instead," said Tetra. "He's isolated the two of us."

 _Honey, where's my super suit...?_

Link noticed that she was clutching his sleeve. He blinked. It was rare for Tetra to ever show weakness, but when she did, Link noticed it was always when she was with him. He felt...oddly touched.

 _I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do for you, but I'll always be by your side..._

 _"Link," said Tetra. "How do we get out of this one...?"_

 _No matter how disgraceful or embarrassing it may be, you need to keep struggling to find your way out until the very end..._

"So many worlds," said Link, the blur of colours reflecting off of his widened eyes. "So many opportunities. All of time and space. Where will we end up next…?"

 _ **SWITCH**_

It was raining. Link hung upside down in an alleyway, Tetra just inches from his face, her hair plastered to her head. Sirens bleated somewhere in the distance. The stars above were blotted out by a thin haze.

Link looked into Tetra's eyes. Tetra looked into Link's eyes.

"Err," said Tetra. "Why are standing this close?"

"Um," said Link. "I'm actually hanging. You're standing."

"This is...weird."

Link felt something deep within his chest flutter. He cleared his throat noisily. "Don't you…um… think there's some sort of, like…unresolved tension here…? Some sub-text we're supposed to be acting on…?"

"Right," said Tetra, then stumbled over her words. "I mean, no. Not right. I mean…Okay, I'm moving away now."

"Okay," Link replied, voice soft. "You do that."

Their eyes locked again.

"Moving…away…" breathed Tetra. Her lower lip trembled.

"Yeah... I can see you." Link blinked away rain. "Moving…"

"Any second n-"

"Hey!" cried Link, making Tetra jump. His eyes widened, and he snapped his fingers. "I know what this is! I'm hanging from a web!" He stared at her. "MJ!"

"Web?" Tetra looked up, blinking as droplets of rain stung her eyes. "No, you're not, Link. You've got your feet on a rusty old ladder that's about to snap. And what's an MJ?"

Link looked down at his boots.

The ladder snapped.

"Oof!" he cried, hitting the damp ground. Link bounced back up, brushed himself down, and then turned to –

"Tetra…?" He whirled around. Headlights cut into the darkness for a heartbeat. Tyres splashed puddles somewhere nearby. The alley was empty. Tetra was gone. A familiar laugh hung in the air, then faded just as quickly as it had appeared.

Link curled a single hand into a fist. "Von JoBo," he growled. "What have you done now?"

The only was response was another downpour of rain. Link sighed. "Soaked to the bone. Standing in a puddle. No one needs to tell me I'm in deep, deep trouble."

Link marched out into the street beyond. Lights and noise assaulted him. People strolled by, wrapped up and huddled together for warmth. Curious eyes fixed in on him. Some laughed.

"Is he…" said one person, "…dressed like an elf?"

A loud chime sounded. Link looked up to see the face of a huge illuminated clock tower in the near distance. He knew then where he was.

"Big Ben," he muttered. "Figures. The narrative would only write about a city he knows."

When he dropped his eyes again, a buzzing neon sign caught his attention. ' _Internet Café,'_ it proclaimed. Link dashed across the rain-soaked road, dodging honking black taxis with their chugging engines and cursing drivers; and ignoring the stares and giggles he drew. Fumes from an old, red bus made him splutter and cough. He reached the other side and shook his head.

A bell tinkled as Link opened the door to the café. It was dim inside with rows of people sat hunched in front of their monitors, their faces shrouded in an eerie blue glow. The only sound was the tapping of keys, punctuated by the occasional laugh from someone conversing into a microphone.

Link walked up to the counter. On the dirty, wooden surface was a pair of sunglasses. Behind, sat a large, bored woman with eyes drained of life. She had her chin rested on one palm.

"Fiver for fifteen minutes," she drawled.

"Bit extortionate."

"Not bothered. Do I look bothered? Trust me, I'm not."

"Do you take rupees?"

"We're not in India, darling. Pounds and pennies only. Or Euros, if you're that way inclined."

Link sighed. He picked up the sunglasses, then put them on. "I'll be back."

The woman snatched the glasses back. "You do that, Arnold," she said. "But not with _my_ shades, luv."

Outside, Link spotted a glowing scarlet circle set on a pole near some descending stairs. "The Underground," he whispered. An idea popped into his head. Link headed over, and hurried down the steps.

"Hey, mate," a young man on the way up cawed. "Where's Santa?" He and his friend burst into a peal of drunken laughter.

"Hilarious," muttered Link in a blank voice. Finding a dry spot in the damp-smelling subway, he sat himself down, and placed his hat by his feet, pausing only to pull a guitar out from inside it.

Link swallowed, coughed, then began. "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack –"

 _Sixteen hours later…_

A bleary-eyed Link trudged back into the café. The woman behind the counter was still there, seemingly having not changed her posture even an inch. Link slid the single five pound note over the grainy, wooden surface. The woman looked down at it, unimpressed.

"Number six. Fifteen minutes," she said. The woman, her expression eternally empty, looked at him. "You done a spot of busking, luv?"

"I have."

"And someone paid you five whole pounds in one go?"

"To shut up, yes."

The woman nodded sagely. "Why are you dressed like a gnome?"

"Elf," a weary Link replied, and then turned away.

He found the computer in question, sat down, grimaced as he looked down at the stained, sticky keyboard, threaded his fingers together and cracked his knuckles, then went to work.

"Google…" he mumbled as he typed. "Fan…fiction…dot…net…" His fingers danced over the keys. "Legend of Zelda…scroll down…hmm…'The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord'…Might need to bookmark that one. Okay…keep scrolling ...Yaoi. Don't recall that in the game…Ah ha! Pirate Smash!"

Link tapped the keys. "Chapter…thirty…eight. And now…scroll to the end. Oh wait, what's this?" He read the words out. "'And then the café's windows shattered under a sudden, swift hail of bullets.'"

And then the café's windows shattered under a sudden, swift hail of bullets. People screamed and ran for the door. Even the counter lady managed to drudge up the motivation to move herself.

Link's jaw dropped, and he dived quickly under a table. Sparks spat when the monitors blew under a second barrage. Sirens sounded somewhere in the distance. Shouts hung in the air outside.

Link waited, huddled in his spot. The café had emptied now. Smoke drifted, accompanied by the sound of buzzing electrics and the dying twitch of some remaining sparks.

Link took a tentative peek out from under the table – just in time to hear glass splinters crunch under someone's boots. Link spun upright - but something hard hit him straight on his head.

He sank down, down, down into darkness.


	39. Kelly

**39\. Kelly**

 _This story,_ thought Link as consciousness slowly swam back to him, _is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get._

He opened his eyes to find himself in the back of a van, the engine gunning, the whole thing bouncing and rattling as it sped along a road.

It was still dark out there, but Link saw enough to see that he wasn't alone in here.

Jolted along with him were a group of young men and women, their eyes closed. Guns lay at their feet. His captors, clearly. Link looked down at his wrists – they were bound tight with rope. He only had a single thought.

"Where's Tetra…?"

His captors all opened their eyes in unison, revealing fiery slits that glowed with molten brightness in stark contrast to the dark.

"Flame People," Link mumbled. "Figures." He raised his voice. "I thought you were all one with the Baron now…?"

A young woman with short, brunette hair turned toward him. "Shut up. You will never understand us, you miserable toon."

"Well, the polite response to your blatant toonaphobia is to tell you to kiss my curry-stained butt." Link sniffed. "I like to keep my manners in such a professional environment as this, you see."

They all bounced as the van hit a pothole. One of the Flame men frowned. "Why…" he said, "…is it curry stained?"

"Silence," the young woman said. "I have a letter here from the Baron." She pulled a crumpled sheet of paper from her pocket, unfolded it, then began to read. " _Dear Wretched Wretch_." The woman looked up and pointed. "That's you, toon."

"Thanks."

She continued. " _In your arrogance you believed the story was over, when we were merely having a short intermission."_ She looked up again. "An intermission is -"

"I know what an intermission is," Link replied, glaring.

The young woman shrugged, then cast her eyes back to the paper. _"You actually believed it when I said a strike through my heart would end me."_

"Wasn't fooled for a nanosecond."

"Shut up, toon."

"Do _you_ have a name, by the way…?" asked Link. "No…? I'll call you Kelly. Have to work the chapter title in somehow."

The freshly-christened Kelly went back to the letter. " _I'm shaking my head in case you can't tell. I told you, toon. You interest us. All of you 'Links.' Did you like how I entered the time stream to meddle and manipulate your ancestor? Such nectar seeing his sweet agony_."

"Does he always write like he's speaking?" said Link.

Kelly ignored him and continued to read. " _You all act like you're real. It's pathetic. Delusional. But I want to test you. I did it once with the Meta Knight and my secret agent –_ "

"Secret Asian?" Link cut in, slowly shaking his head. "Racialism-ism." He blinked. "…ism."

"Agent!"the Flame Lady snarled. She looked down at the letter again. "– _and I wanted to see how far you would_ _ **truly**_ _go to save people you know aren't real in the slight-_ "

The woman looked up at the sound of a tiny squeak. Link heard it, too. It sounded again. So did the others. They looked around, uneasy. The van jolted.

There it was again.

In fact, Link realised, it sounded more like a tiny voice.

"Link," it said.

"Link," said a second, more laid-back, voice.

"Grr!" added a third.

And then, altogether, the two of the unseen voices chanted, "Link. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link."

The tip of a sword burst through the van's roof. The driver swerved. Tyres screeched, a horn blasted. A second sword cut through one side of the van, and then a third through the other.

"Link. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link."

The Flamers looked around, panicked, as metal screeched. They reached for their guns -

"No!" cried the driver. "Not in here!"

Metal tore. The three holes widened, revealing –

A little toon Purple Link to the left, a Red Link to the right, and a Blue Link with a glowering face from above.

"Link. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link," Purple and Red chorused in time.

"You want some?" growled Blue.

And then they all dived into the van. The vehicle lurched wildly from side to side. Screams rang out into the night air. Link watched, wide-eyed, as his little doppelgangers went to work, happily chanting his name.

"Yow…" he said as a Flamer found his head being repeatedly banged against the floor. A gurgled shriek followed from another. Link winced. "Ouch." Someone howled. Link's jaw dropped. "Oh my God," he gasped. "They killed Kelly!"

Red marched up to him and, with a single slash of his sword, cut through Link's binds.

"Link!" chirped Red, saluting.

"Right back atcha," Link replied in a quiet voice.

Looking around past the fast-growing pile of groaning bodies, Link spied the angry-faced Blue cornering two of the last Flamers.

"Choose," Blue hissed, brow beetled, menacing them both with his short, quick jabs of his sword.

"Ch-choose what?" said one Flamer. "Choose between the two of us…? Which one of us should live and which one should die?" Anger scorched the Flamer's voice. "You sick, little –"

"Choose!" cried Blue, flecks of spit flying from his lips. "Phantom Menace. Or Crystal Skull?"

Both the Flamers paled in fear. "Um," said the second one. "I actually thought TPM wasn't that -URGH!"

He slumped to the ground. The second one shrank back. Blue pressed the tip of his sword to the Flamer's nose, then leaned in close with bulging, feverish eyes. His voice dropped to a whisper.

"Choose."

Link couldn't watch. He had to avert his eyes.

The driver was the last to fall. The steering wheel spun free from his limp fingers, and the van careened over to one side. Link was flung across the empty space, while the clones bounced off of the inside, cackling all the while.

Link's teeth rattled against each other as the van juddered along the ground. Through one of the passenger side windows, he saw sparks erupt into the air.

Finally, the van came to a stop. Smoke drifted inside. Boots pounding against metal, Link bounded over to the rear doors and smashed them open with a kick. He and his doppelgangers spilled out onto the grassy roadside. One of the van's wheels still spun slowly. Cars shot past them, either oblivious or uncaring of their plight.

"Link. Link. Link. Link. Link. Link."

A single approaching headlight made Link squint. He watched, breath steaming out from his lips in the cold night air, as a motorbike came to shaky stop right next to them.

His ears pricked up, distracting him momentarily from the newcomer. He caught a faint voice on the breeze. "Catch me if you can…" it whispered.

"Von JoBo," he said.

The bike rider reached up to remove a helmet.

Link grinned. "Tetra!"

"How's that for a rescue...?" she said.

Link looked down at his clones. "This was you?"

"Yeah. I found them wandering in that bizarre city back there. Aren't they adorable?" She smiled down at the Links. They bounced up and down happily in response.

Except Blue, who glared in sullen silence.

"And then," she continued, "we saw you being bundled into this…" Tetra gestured at the van. "This _this."_

Link looked down at her motorbike. "You adapted quickly, then."

"I'm a natural," she beamed. "So, what's happening? This place is so _weird._ I spotted a huge, metal Rito with stiff wings roaring like a dragon in the sky."

"The Baron's planning something," said Link, voice grim. "Something to hurt the people here. Something we have to stop."

The captain nodded thoughtfully. "Sounds like my kind of do."

Link inhaled deeply. "When does this ever end...?"

A car sped by, window rolled down, blasting a tune. " _Never-ending Stoooryy..."_

Link narrowed his eyes. "I'm starting to suspect that the narrative is trolling us now. Have you seen how he changed the story's summary? Click bait or what."

Blue chased Purple and Red in a circle around his ankles. Link himself gazed out at the city's skyline, the sprinkle of lights over tall, dark shapes. It was cold. Link felt cold - to his very core.

Tetra's hand came to rest over his. He looked up. Their eyes met.

The pirate captain smiled. "Don't look so worried, Link," she said softly. "We've got this." Her hand squeezed. "It's how we roll."

Link nodded. "Do the impossible, break the unbreakable," he murmured. "Row, row, fight the power..."


	40. Deep

**40\. Deep**

Dawn was approaching, thick tendrils of smudged crimson pushing back the dark across the sky. The air was cool, and felt renewed from the recent rain. Link and Tetra sat back-to-back on the damp grass, with the Link-clones lying in a circle around them and snoring loudly.

Tetra's bike was parked nearby. Cars and lorries zoomed past on a fast road that appeared to be called the M25 – the big, blue signs were weirdly all written in a variation of ancient Hylian- and the ground vibrated gently with each passing vehicle. Every so often on the M25 there would be a place for drivers to turn off for refuelling and refreshment, and it was at one these 'services' - as they were named - that they'd stopped to take a break.

"This is the strangest adventure you've dragged me into," said Tetra. She looked up. A dark shape glided overhead, lights winking from its wings.

"I don't drag," Link replied. "You tag along. It's because you miss me."

"You wish." Tetra smiled and took in a long breath. "Still. Nice to be away from the ship for a while. A little time to myself. Not be in captain-mode."

She leaned back to rest her head against the back of his. True to what she'd just said, Tetra was letting her guard down. Not entirely sure why, Link felt secretly pleased.

"It _is_ weird, though," he mused as he curled a blade of grass around his finger. "The Flame People. First, they just wanted to escape Tower Island. Now they can warp time and space. All just to see what _I_ would do…?"

Tetra shrugged. "It doesn't make much sense."

"Exactly. Motivations are all over the place. What is the narrative thinking…?"

" _No,_ " said Tetra. "What you said – oh, never mind." She glanced over at the speeding vehicles, in all shapes and sizes, and all loud. "This place. This world." She let her words sink in. "You're telling me it's neither the past nor the future…?"

"It's not even Hyrule, Captain," Link answered. "And it's equally unreal."

Tetra rolled her eyes. " _That_ again," she said. "Do you seriously think you're a work of fiction…?"

"We all are," said Link, his voice quiet.

"And that's why this little trip is so unlike anything we've ever encountered before?"

"Hey," Link replied. "Majora's Mask has UFOs, aliens and time-travel. That's your precedent."

Tetra sighed. "So why even bother? If it's not real, I mean. Why be attached to anything…?"

"I'm not," Link replied. "Not to _things._ "

"No…?"

"Nope." Link smiled. "And that means I'm free."

Tetra took a sip from a hissing red can. "Must be nice."

"I came into the world with nothing, and leave with nothing. All that matters in-between is that I be the person I really want to be." Link pulled the blade of grass up. "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was."

"Deep," said Tetra and took another sip. Sweet, cold fizzy liquid ran down her throat. "Doesn't it bother you, then, Link? That we all know – um, _think_ it's all real and you know better? Doesn't it make you go crazy…?"

"What do I always say?" he said, his voice light. "We don't listen to doubt..."

Tetra chuckled. " _Right._ Stupid me."

"Hey," said Link.

"Yeah?"

"Think about this, okay?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Haven't you wondered - until this chapter - why we've hardly ever stopped to eat since this whole shindig began? Or had a pit stop to visit the privy?"

"Garderobe."

"Or toilet, for the benefit of our non-medieval readers."

Tetra shook her head in disbelief. "Readers…"

"Fictional characters don't have time for any of that, even if they're trapped in some jungle or a captive of the big bad – unless it's important to the story, of course."

"What's your point…?" Tetra said, her voice slow and cautious. She sipped again.

"Biological functions and fiction don't mix," Link replied. "It's boring. Ergo, if this were all actually real, we be both starving and bursting at the seams all at the same time. Or possibly constipated."

Tetra shook her head again, smiling at the weird concepts. And then she stopped to consider his words. And _then,_ after a while, all she could come up with was a blank, "Huh."

"Yeah," said Link. "Nobody Poops, as they say on TV Tropes."

"Gross."

"Deep. Anyway," he said, pulling himself to his feet and brushing his clothes down, "The narrative's clearly scraping the barrel if he's been reduced to toilet humour. Back on the road."

Tetra stood, then looked down at the sleeping smaller Links. "Wake up, kids!" she called. Then, after a moment she added, "And remember to take a bathroom break!"

* * *

Police Constable Smith sat in his patrol car in a layby off of the M25 watching the vehicles rush by. He munched on a dry, tasteless sandwich – or breakfast in layman's terms - his only companions being the steady drone of speeding engines and the crackled conversation from his standard-issue dashboard radio.

A motorcycle engine approached. PC Smith looked up, paused mid-bite, and squinted hard.

The bike roared by. Hunched over the handlebars was a young woman dressed like a pirate, long blonde hair streaming out from under her helmet. Behind her, sat on the seat, his arms wrapped around the woman's waist while he tried to avoid getting her hair in his mouth, was a gnome in a green hat. Trailing even further behind, and dangling from a rope that rose into the air from the bike's motion were three smaller, identical gnomes wearing the colours of red, blue and purple.

A duet of voices rose, hit a peak, then faded as the bike passed.

"Link. Link. LINK. LINK. LINK. Link. Link. Link."

A half-chewed bite of sandwich fell out of Smith's open mouth. A split-second later, he threw breakfast aside, gunned the engine, and hit a switch on the roof above. The front of his car was instantly bathed in a flashing blue glow.

Sirens blared as PC Smith gave chase.

* * *

"What's that noise?" Tetra called over the throaty growl of the bike's engine.

Link glanced over his shoulder. "It's the fuzz," he said.

Tetra blinked. "Fuzz?"

"They're like the Royal Guards of this world."

"Have we done something wrong?"

The bike elegantly weaved through the traffic, swaying from side-to-side. The clone Links banged hard into the side of a car as the rope swung wildly behind, then cracked the window of another as the rope swung the other way. Passengers screamed. Other drivers stared as they passed.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," Purple and Red chirped in unison.

Link shrugged. "Can't possibly think what," he said. "Hey, take this exit."

Tetra peeled the bike off to the left. She caught sight of a sign stating that this was the direction to some place called 'Central London.'

The police car gained, traffic parting in response to the sirens, until they all felt a slight bump at the back of the bike. Tetra glanced into her wing mirror. The blue-liveried white car loomed large in the glass, sirens bleating. Water sprayed up onto her visor as both vehicles went through a puddle.

After she'd wiped it clean, Tetra leaned forward – she'd just spotted something new in the reflection. It was the little Blue Link, she realised. He'd landed on the car itself, rolled up his sleeves and, glaring as usual, marched up to the glass that separated him from the driver.

Blue began wagging his finger. "I've just about had enough of you," he snarled. "Cease your pursuit. You have twenty seconds to comply."

The driver stared back in utter befuddlement.

"Ten seconds…"

"That was fast!" the driver cried, his voice muffled by the glass barrier.

"I can't count." Blue drew back a fist.

The driver gave a panicked yelp. "Don't do it, gnome!"

"Blue SMASH!"

Glass shattered. Tyres squealed. A muffled metallic thump followed.

Tetra took a quick peek over her shoulder. They weren't being followed anymore. A burning wheel rolled across the road, closely followed by a dazed-looking Royal Guard – or whatever they were called in this world - with glass sprinkled in his hair and dark streaks on his cheeks. And Blue was sat on Link's shoulder, looking smug as he wiped his hands.

Tetra faced front again. She twisted the throttle with her right hand. The engine growled, and they sped up. She grinned.

 _So much fun,_ she thought. _I just hope Link doesn't ask how I got this thing. After all, I_ _ **am**_ _a pirate._

"Hey!" cried Link from behind her. "What did you just think?"

"So," she called back, quickly changing subject. "We're going back into the city…?"

Link nodded. "I have a feeling that whatever Von JoBo has planned will be going down there."

"You mean," said Tetra, letting go of one handlebar to point, "something like _that?_ "

A dull red glow hung over the city, and it had nothing to do with the rising sun. Faint screams and shrieks were joined by the screech of distant tyres. More sirens threaded through all the noise.

Link rose to a standing position from the back of the bike, pulled off his hat, and fished out a telescope. He placed it to his eye, then waited for the blurred image to focus.

Big Ben came into view – except now it had a brand new addition, one that was slowly making its way to the top. Holes had been punched into the clock tower's sides, and flames leapt from below. Helicopters buzzed overhead, with marksmen leaning out of the open cabin door to fire their handheld weapons.

"Yeah…" he breathed. "Something like that."

"What _is_ it?" said Tetra.

Link slowly sat back down. He swallowed, then took a short breath so he could steady himself to speak.

"It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."


	41. Prophecy

**41\. Prophecy**

A massive, sugary fist ploughed through the clock face, glass and cast-iron imploding under the force. It then reached inside to tear through the wooden housing of the Great Bell – the actual Big Ben – and pulled it free.

The Marshmallow Man hung by one hand from the Elizabeth Tower, and then tossed the bell into the air. He watched the screaming crowds beneath with his ever-cheery, smiling face.

Words that only Link could read flitted across the sky: _The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Terror of Teeth. Diabolical Herald of Diabetes._

The Great Bell curved through the sky, spinning, and then plummeted straight through Westminster Bridge and into the Thames with an immense splash. A wave rose and crashed against the Houses of Parliament, shattering windows.

"London has fallen," Link breathed as Tetra slowed the bike in their approach to the scene. The engine putted softly. A tide of panicked people streamed past them, running the opposite way. The police were so frazzled by the situation that they didn't give the Hylians a second glance.

Purple and Red gasped, open-mouthed. "Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink."

Blue slipped off the bike and hopped from one foot to the other with pent-up energy. "Right," he said. "Where is it? _Where_ is _iiiit…?_ "

Tetra pointed. "Up there." Her voice was hushed.

Blue looked. The Marshmallow Man reached up to catch one of the helicopters overhead and crushed it in its oversized fist. Metal crumpled in a ball of flame.

"Doesn't look so tough," sniffed Blue. "What are we all waiting for, you wimps?"

"How do we even fight that?" asked Tetra.

Steely determination flooded Link's voice. "Captain, look." He leaned forward, resting one hand on Tetra's back and pointing with his other. "That truck – _vehicle_ \- with the conveniently placed wooden planks…?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"No one thinks what you think, Link."

"Ramming speed!"

Tetra shook her head in disbelief. "Aye, aye…"

She twisted the throttle. The engine roared. The bike rose briefly on its rear wheel, and Link leaned down to scoop Blue back up, then they all sped off. Tetra hunched over the handlebars, teeth clenched and heart thudding. She dodged parked cars and debris from the tower. The truck came into sight, the planks leaning on its bed at an angle, a ready-made ramp for them to use.

A mantra chanted in Tetra's head to keep her fear at bay. _This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy._

The last few people scampered out of their way. A lone police officer came charging toward them, her arms waving. "Oi!" she shouted. "You can't –"

The bike roared past her, up the planks and soared into the air, engine revving. Hearing the sound, the Stay Puft Marshmallow man slowly turned its cheery visage their way.

Tetra yelled.

The clone Links yelled.

Link drew his sword. "Taste –"

The bike disappeared into the Marshmallow Man's soft underbelly. He looked down, wincing. His stomach gurgled and growled, then -

He gasped as the bike tore out of its back, hit the Elizabeth Tower and slid down to the ground, wheels tearing off in the process and leaving a deep, dark gash down the building's side. The current Team Tetra, now covered in fluffy goo, landed flat on their backs.

"– sweetness," Link groaned. He spat marshmallow from his mouth.

Tetra's head swam from the impact. Her back ached. She looked up, eyes fluttering, then jolted fully awake.

"Move!" she cried.

The shadow of a puffy white foot fell over them. Link kipped-up, grabbed his sword and two of his clones. Tetra got the other, and then they all dived out of the way. The ground shook when the Marshmallow Man stamped into it. Cars jumped momentarily into the air, alarms sounding in chorus when they landed with a jolt.

Huddled together, aching, and smothered in sweat-drenched marshmallow, Team Tetra looked up helplessly at the monster.

"Who we gonna call…?" Link whispered.

"Me!" cried a new voice.

They all turned to see a young girl dressed in green waving back at them. She grinned and gazed up at the Marshmallow Man.

"Evil!" she gasped. "But – omigosh - It's just _so_ cute!"

Link stared as he sheathed his blade.

Tetra's eyes narrowed. "Who the hell are you…?"

The girl stood tall, hands on hips. "I am the Legendary Hero – Linkle!"

" _Linkle?_ " said Tetra

"Linkle? Linkle? Linkle? Linkle?" said Purple and Red.

"Can I kill her?" said Blue.

Link buried his face in his palm. "No…how?"

"Well," said Linkle. "I was just trying to get to Hyrule Castle and – heh, you won't believe this – I ended up here! Weird, huh? Oh, and I brought some friends."

Linkle stepped aside to reveal the Hero of Time and Twilight Wolf.

Link's face brightened. "Bro!"

The Hero nodded back. "Bro." His deep voice rang with calm. "You didn't think we'd abandon you now, did you?"

"Though," said the Wolf, head bowed, "it took a great deal of effort to find you."

"I found this, too," said the Hero. He held up a palm-sized metal cylinder, and pressed a button on its side. There was a sharp snap, then a column of solid light hummed into life, bathing their faces in an emerald glow.

"Lightsaber…" said Link, nodding slowly in approval. "Nice."

"I hate it," said the Hero. "I thought I was done with all this." He sighed. "But needs must."

Twilight padded toward them. "We deduced – when you disappeared – that the Baron had, for some inexplicable reason, taken you instead of his promised vengeance on the Hero here."

"And it looks like we were right," said the Hero in question. His eyes fixed on the Marshmallow Man. "Now, step aside."

"Hey," Link protested. "What about teamwork? "

The Hero smiled. "Step aside," he said. "And do your thing on my command."

Without wasting another moment, he sprinted past them, saber spinning.

"Hmph," Linkle pouted. "Who does he think he is…?"

The Hero of Time leapt into the air, bringing the crackling lightsaber up and over in a smooth arc. He sliced through the Marshmallow Man's left ankle, landed, then slashed its right foot. Burnt sugar sizzled. The monster's eyes bulged.

"Try walking now, fiend." The Hero of Time turned back to the others. "Do it!"

Link dropped into a crouch. "Boys," he said, addressing his clones. "Eat!"

Blue flashed a wicked grin. "Feed me, Seymour!"

The Links ran in and jumped into the fresh wounds, teeth chomping. Slowly, inch by inch, the Marshmallow Man began to sink as the Links ate their way up. The monster shook his head frantically in panic.

Linkle wiped away a tear. "Oh, the marshmallity," she sniffed. "So sad." Then her face brightened. "But we sure showed it, didn't we, guys?"

When the Links were done – they were laid out flat on their backs, stomachs bulging, a contented burp leaving their lips every now and then – the Marshmallow Man stood level in height to the Hero, and just as slender.

His cheery demeanour was gone, though, replaced by a snarling, vicious face.

"You've been cut down to size," said the Hero. He extinguished his lightsaber; the blade sliding back into the hilt with a hiss. "Give it up. We don't need to fight anymore."

The now low-fat monster sneered, then dived straight into the Hero, and they both crashed into the ground, rolling as they grappled with each other.

Link moved – and froze. Tetra drew her gun – and froze as well. Her pistol clattered to the ground from her limp fingers.

"Can't…move…" she gasped.

"Baron…controlling…us all…still," Link said, his voice straining. He saw Twilight and the clones all fixed in place as well. "Like Dumbledore…freezing Harry…when…when...oh…no…"

The Hero of Time and the Marshmallow Man were locked together, arms entwined.

"End this," said the Hero. "There's no point to fighting."

His calorific foe merely growled in reply.

The Hero pressed on. "I don't want to harm you anymore."

"But...I..." said the Terror of Teeth in a broken voice, "want...to...harm...you!"

The Hero threw the Marshmallow Man off of him. He lost grip on the lightsaber, and the cylinder rolled into the monster's waiting grasp.

Igniting the saber, the Marshmallow Man lunged in. The Hero sidestepped – but not before the monster caught him with a slash to his flank. Gritting his teeth against the pain, the Hylian Hero clutched his wound and stumbled back.

The Marshmallow Man grinned in triumph. He leapt into the air, saber held aloft, his soft sugary figure framed momentarily by the mid-morning sun, and –

Collided mid-air with the Hero's outstretched boot. As the monster hit the ground, saber flying from his pudgy fingers, the Hero dropped and went for a leg-sweep. The Marshmallow Man sprung up out of the way, but as his feet landed, the Hero was back up to hit him with a punch that separated a gelatin jaw from a fluffy confectionary face.

The Marshmallow Man skidded across the ground, stopping at Tetra's feet. His hand curled around the pirate's dropped weapon. The Hero, oblivious, rushed in –

Link opened his mouth in agonising slow-motion –

And the Marshmallow Man lifted the gun and fired.

Standing, he fired again. And again.

And _again._

Hot metal shells clinked to the ground with each pull of the trigger. Baron Von JoBo's deep laugh drifted on the morning air. The Marshmallow Man faded out of existence, leaving nothing behind except a powder of sprinkled sugar.

Finally, Link could move. He rushed over to the Hero's twitching body and cradled his head in his arms. "This isn't right…"

The Hero's eyes fluttered. He reached up with a trembling hand.

"I…know…" he croaked, "…that…you…don't really…consider yourself…a Link…"

"Um," Link replied softly. "I do, actually."

"But…now…you must…carry on…the mantle…even though…you think…you're not worthy…"

"No, I really… _really_ do."

The Hero started to fade. "Carry on…until the prophecy passes…of one who will come…to end the Flame…one to rule them…all…one to…bind them…" He wheezed. "Tell…Zelda…I…" His head slumped, his last breath seeping from his lips. Colour bled out of him, until all that was left was a shadowed husk of dark grey.

"Rest easy, bro," said Link, gently closing the Hero's eyes. He stood, walked over to the discarded lightsaber and picked it up to hook it to his belt. He looked up. "Rain…?"

Wisps of grey cloud drifted overhead. It started to rain.

"Yeah," said Link with a quick nod. "Cliché. Thanks."

The rain hissed. The others joined Link, all looking pensive. Twilight Wolf threw back his head to let fly with a mournful howl. As they watched, a gust blew and the Hero of Time separated into a million dark pixels that vanished with the wind.

"Gone," said Tetra, her face unreadable.

"Doesn't make sense," said Link with a thoughtful shake of his head.

"What doesn't?" Tetra said softly.

"He shouldn't be dying here, in _this_ world, in such an unfamiliar place. He's the type to go out in a blaze of glory, fighting dragons and rescuing his princess…not…not gunned down by a fluffy blob of sugar, gelatin and corn syrup."

The Twilight Wolf nodded sagely in agreement.

"What now?" asked Tetra.

"Well," Linkle replied. "First –"

"Not you."

"Excuse me," Linkle huffed. " _I_ am the Hero. H-E-R-O. _Hero._ " She glared for a moment to let her proclamations sink in, then, just as quickly, she grinned in glee. "Alright, everyone! Now. All we need to do is follow my grandmother's compa-"

"Can I see it?" said Link.

"Uh," said Linkle. "My compass?" When Link nodded, she said, "Sure."

She pulled the compass out and handed it over to Link. He peered down at it. "Hmm…" he mused, squinting, one finger tapping his lower lip. "It's saying…we should go…mmm… _this_ way. Follow me!"

Tetra smiled.

It took an hour of walking – riding for the clone Links, since they clung to Twilight Wolf's back - using the rain and chaotic aftermath of the attack as their cover, but they made it. Team Tetra stood, soaking wet, in front of Earl's Court station. To be exact, they stood in front of a blue, windowed oblong box perched near the station. An equally blue light – dark now – sat on the roof.

Tetra looked up to read the lettering. "Po-lice B-ox."

"All of you," said Link. "In here."

"Hmph," said Linkle, looking the Police Box up and down. Rainwater dripped from her hair. "We won't fit."

Link smiled. "Just watch," he said. "After you."

Linkle pushed open the door. The team entered – to find a huge, cavernous room inside, thrumming with warm power, and glowing with an eerie, diffuse light. A large console with a single cylindrical column stood in the centre of the room.

Tetra blinked. "What…?"

"Wow," said Linkle. "Look what I found. It's pretty useful having me on your side, isn't it?"

"But," said Tetra. "What?!"

"Time And Relative Dimensions In Space," said Link.

" _What?_ "

"Our ticket out of here." Link took a shaky breath. "The Baron's gone too far now. He's broken the narrative and laughed in the face of canon. It's time to bring him down, once and for all."


	42. Arc

**42\. Arc**

Gonzo stood on the _Harkinian's_ foredeck, arms crossed, a faint growl hanging on his every breath. Trash Island was a dot on the sun-blotted horizon, but he could detect the stink from here. The Great Garbage Heap of the Great Sea they called it. Fat trawlers laden with detritus of every kind made their way there to dump their loads.

It was a bit grating to Gonzo, then, that the _Harkinian_ had been charged with a similar task - for a lot more gold, for sure. The only catch was that they couldn't ask any questions. They'd got the message just that morning and - after Senza and Nudge had overruled him to ahead with it - met with the dealer in the middle of the open sea an hour ago when the fly-ridden cargo had been transferred on board.

Gonzo had been distracted by something else, though. He heard Zuko's footsteps patter up behind him. Gonzo didn't bother to turn.

"Anythin...?"

"We've searched everywhere," Zuko replied, a hint of despair making his voice rise slightly. "No sign of the captain. Or Link."

"You checked their rooms, yeah?"

Zuko nodded. "Link's bed hasn't even been slept in. Miss Tetra's..."

"What?"

"Well, her bed is a bit ruffled...and...um...well...maybe they…"

"What?" said Gonzo. "Spit it out!"

Zuko swallowed. "Y'know…eloped...?"

"In the middle of the sea with no spare boat?! Don't be a nitwit!"

A sudden swirl of air ribboned around their feet. Gonzo frowned, then exchanged glances with Zuko who just shrugged in confusion.

Gonzo felt his neck prickle, Turning, he heard the sound of something wheezing in and out. Something was appearing on deck, a blocky blue shape that faded in and out, as though it was struggling to materialise. A blue light flashed at its peak.

The other pirates joined them, hands on their weapons. There was a thud, and the blue box solidified. Its door flew open. Gonzo tensed -

"Hello!" cried a familiar voice. Gonzo started, recognising it as:

"Link…?" The Outset lad leapt out, was closely followed out by:

"Captain Tetra!" And then:

"More Links! Um. Little ones. And a wolf." Then:

"A...girl Link?" Gonzo blinked. "I feel like this situation is quickly slipping away from me…"

Finally, a blast of energy shot out from the open doorway. The pirates ducked. A hole blew open in a shower of burning splinters near the ship's wheel.

"Ow!" cried Harkinian.

A strange, domed machine hovered out of the blue box. Its lower half was covered in embedded spheres, a glowing stick protruding from its rotating head.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" it chanted. Another blast shot from the stalk, aimed straight at Gonzo. He ducked, and the bolt of energy flew out harmlessly over the sea.

"What the blazes -?!" he cried.

The flat, emotionless voice spoke again. "YOU ARE IN-FER-IOR!"

"Harsh," said Link. "Gonzo's not that bad."

More blasts fired. This time Link ignited a weird glowing sword and deflected each attack straight back. The bolts struck the attacking machine, spraying sparks, but doing little real damage.

"Wait, wait, wait!" cried the girl Link. "This thing wasn't in there when we went in! Where'd it come from?"

"Right…" said Link. "Right!"

He clicked his fingers. The machine tumbled into a fresh opening in the deck and hit the water below with a splash. They all rushed ahead to peer in. The machine's head swivelled crazily as it began to sink.

"DOES NOT COM-PUTE!" it cried. "DOES NOT COM-PUTE! I CAN-NOT SWIIMMMM!"

It disappeared under the waves and fell silent.

"Huh," said Gonzo. "Who's inferior now, yeah?"

Tetra stared. "What…happened?"

"Gaping plot hole," Link replied. "It just fell into one."

Tetra looked up. "My ship…" Realisation shone in her eyes. "We made it!" She grinned. "We're back!"

* * *

It was night.

Link stood against the deck's railing, gazing out at the sea under a starry, moonless sky.

"Hey," said Tetra as she sidled up to join him. "Why so glum?"

Link shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"Mmm-hmm." She lounged with her back against the railing, then looked at him for a long moment. "This isn't like you," she replied. "I need your unflappable optimism. It makes you endearing."

Link blinked in surprise. "Really...?"

"Yeah," said Tetra. She reached up to briefly touch his cheek. "Though I'm not sure how you manage it without being chewed up by life."

Link changed tack. "Were going to Trash Island, then?"

"Yup," the Captain replied with a slight sigh. "Senz and Nudge made the deal, so we'll honour it. After that, we find the Baron." A smile made the corner of her mouth curl. "Can you believe Zuko thought we'd eloped?"

"Heh," said Link.

"Heh," Tetra replied. "We don't even have a boat to run away on."

"Well…" said Link. "If - and I'm speaking hypothetically here –"

"You better be."

" _If_ we were in a situation like that, I could just use a parenthesis for a boat."

"Ah." They lapsed into silence until Tetra gave him another long look, studying the darkness in his eyes. "Is it because you couldn't save the other…you?"

"No," said Link. "I know there's a reason for that."

Tetra shook her head. "Like I said…I don't know how you manage it. Maybe it _is_ all a story."

Link inhaled deeply. "That's just it. The story, I mean. It's all over the place. Even I can't figure it out. The readers are probably expecting an arc-"

"Arc?"

"You know, going from one point to the next, learning and developing personally in a pretty linear way."

"We have those?"

"That's my point," said Link. "We don't. Not in this story. Not really."

"Right…"

"I mean…we could've done the clichéd 'fictional character finds his writer and discovers life is all 42'...but, no. I think the writer to _this_ narrative just wanted to see me with a lightsaber escaping in the TARDIS from the Marshmallow Man."

"Sounds like an idiot."

Link gripped the ship's railing hard. "Keep it _down,"_ he hissed. "He's very vindictive."

"Uh huh." Tetra pursed her lips in thought for a moment. "Well…if we're talking arcs, I would've said that maybe you were supposed to emulate that other you and start to resolve conflict non-lethally...but you tend to do that already. Most of the time, that is. And you don't feel the need to crow about it."

Link smiled at that. "It's the prophecy. That has to be it. We just need to decipher it. One to rule them all...one to bind them." Link shook his head. "One _what_? OW!"

Tetra had just slapped him playfully around the back of his head.

"It's _obvious,"_ she said. "One _Link."_

He blinked, staring.

"And," she went on, "I suppose that would be you, given you think you're the main character."

"I am...sort of...and..." He reached up to scratch his head. "Yeah...that actually makes sense...like a Chosen On –OW!"

Link glared at her after another playful slap.

"Just keeping you grounded," she teased.

"Well," said Link as he rubbed the back of his head. "Prophecy solved. You've gone and ruined all the suspense and drama now."

"Whatever," Tetra replied. "I just got straight to the point."

"Unless..." said Link, thinking fast. "Unless I'm like Shinji Ikari, and I slowly unravel from the pressure of it all and -"

Tetra shushed him by placing a finger on his lips. He felt a strange tingle at her touch.

"I've seen you, Link," Tetra said softly. "You're not flaky. This narrative you always yap about. You trust it. You just...relax and surrender."

His eyes locked with hers. The stars shone down on them. The sea whispered, waves lapping against the ship's wooden hull.

"Are we," said Tetra, her voice suddenly husky, "having an...arc?"

Link swallowed. "It's more...more a moment."

Tetra parted her lips slightly. "A moment...?"

"Like...well, like when a lonely noun finds just the right adjective to hit that sweet spot in the perfect sentence."

Tetra held his gaze a moment longer, eyes wide and inviting, then smiled suddenly. "You pervert."

She winked and strode off. Link watched her go, and then smiled himself. With a deep sigh, he turned back to the Great Sea.


	43. Parlay

**43\. Parlay**

Link peered out of the open window of his cabin as the Harkinian drifted toward Trash Island's port. Weird place, truth be told. Not only was it a dump site, but because of its uniqueness, the island doubled as a tourist attraction. Link spied small families and other out-of-islanders being led around by ever-smiling guides, all of them wearing complimentary nose pegs.

"Like I said. Weird."

His own nose wrinkled from the stench. Worse, miniscule bits of debris had caught on the sea breeze and flaked the ship – with some even getting into his room.

Dirty rag in hand, Link got to work scrubbing the stuff away, all the while singing in a low murmur. "Fighting grime, trying to save the world, here I come –" He looked up, feeling a sudden presence. "Oh, hey. There you are."

Link turned. Standing in the middle of his room, next to a wooden table and a chair, was a scowling Baron Von JoBo.

"Why have you summoned me?" he growled. A frown followed. " _How_ have you summoned me?"

Link smiled. "Welcome, Banjo."

"JoBo."

"JonBoy."

" _JoBo._ "

"JonBonJovi."

"I'm leaving."

"Alright, alright," said Link. "We're here to parlay."

The Baron's eyes thinned. "I'm definitely leaving."

"Come on, bro," said Link, dropping the rag. He walked over and sat himself down in the chair. "What's the point in more senseless fighting?"

"It's the end of the story," the Baron countered. "It's expected."

"Exactly!" said Link. "And this narrative does everything _except_ the expected."

There was a soft bump. The ship rocked. Voices drifted from outside.

"Oh, my," said the ship. "Please be gentle when you drop my anchor, Tetra."

The captain's voice shot back instantly. "Shut up, Harkinian."

Von JoBo seethed, squinting as sunlight streamed in through the single window. "Are you seriously trying to talk your way to a plot resolution?"

"We've had two final battles already," said Link. "Count 'em. Two. First, the whole moon thing, Epic. And then on that Monkey Island where you got impaled. In fact, that was the _second_ time _you_ bought it."

"Stop recapping," the Baron replied. He folded his arms. "The readers aren't stupid."

"The point is," said Link, "Let's just shake on it, and go our separate ways. Because I promise you, the next time we fight? It'll be the end all the Flame People."

"No."

"Heck, I don't even know _what_ you want anymore. Take over the world? Rob a bank? I forget."

"I _told_ you," hissed Von JoBo. "To see how far you'd go for unreal-"

"Blah, blah, blah," Link cut in. "I hate to inform you, but technically _you're_ an unreal character, too, my friend."

"Don't think because we're talking," said the Baron, "that we're friends."

"Come on, bro. Neither of us really wants to go all grimdark in this one."

The Baron's cheek twitched. "How about this, then?" he said. "How about I poison that sunny disposition of yours? How about I reveal to the world what the game didn't show – that very first night you stayed on Tetra's ship after your sister was kidnapped."

Link froze.

A cruel smile curled over the Baron's lips. "Oh, yes. I know. The way you rocked back and forth in a corner, crying because you missed your Grandma. I know…I know the empty loneliness that lurks behind your smile." Von JoBo looked triumphant. "What do you say to that, toon boy?"

Link stared as the silence settled. He swallowed. The Baron smirked. Then Link swiped a laden plate from the table and offered it to Von JoBo.

"Doughnut…?"

"Stop it!" the Baron snarled. He slapped the plate aside. It shattered. "Stop hiding your deep inner pain behind jokes!"

"I'm not," Link replied. "And those were good doughnuts, y'know."

"What's the matter?" the Baron sneered. "Can't face the truth?"

"Nope," Link replied calmly. "I got over all that on my _second_ night on the ship. There's no dark past to unearth. With me, what you see is what you get."

"Then what I see is a naïve fool." Von JoBo glared.

"What you see is someone who's happy knowing he isn't the centre of the universe." Link smiled again, then broke into a song. "Look in my eyes? What do you see? There's no cult of personality."

"You can't sing."

"Thanks. Means a lot, coming from you." Link leaned back in his chair, then spoke softly. "Last chance. Call it all quits."

"Enough," said the Baron. "We're going to fight."

Link sighed. He stood. "Yeah, well," he said. "You're forgetting one thing – " Link pointed. "What the hell is that?!"

Von JoBo spun around, his eyes finding a scrap of paper hanging from the wall. He scanned the words quickly.

"NO!" the Baron gasped. His jaw dropped. "Brangelina are getting divorced?! WHAT? _WHAT?!_ If those two kids that I don't know personally can't make it in this crazy world, then what hope is there for the rest of-"

His lower teeth went flying as his jaw met a spinning kick from Link. Baron Von JoBo crashed through the wooden wall of the cabin, skidded out across the deck, then toppled over the railing to land on a pile of soft garbage on the shore below.

Link stepped out into the putrid-smelling air. Warm sunlight kissed his face.

Tetra stared. "What the-?" she gasped.

Senza, standing nearby, just shrugged. "This sort of thing happened a lot when he was acting captain, Milady."

"Wait," said Tetra, glancing around. "You guys made _Link_ the acting captain…?"

The crew had the grace to look sheepish.

"Not their finest hour, truth be told," said Link. He looked at them all sternly. "Let this be a lesson to you." He turned back to the captain, and leaned in to speak. "I think it's time."

Tetra glanced over to the spot where the Baron had toppled over. "Prophecy time…?"

"Yup."

Link saw his clones standing next to Twilight and Linkle, and he whistled to them for attention. They marched up to him, grimacing.

"Stink! Stink! Stink!" chanted Purple and Red. Blue, on the other hand, was looking a little green.

"Hey," Link said softly as he crouched. "I need to borrow you guys. Just for a minute. One Link to rule them all, and all that. You okay with that?"

Purple and Red saluted. "Link, Link, Link, Link!"

Blue turned away, scowling.

Link narrowed his eyes. His voice carried a hint of warning. " _Blue._ "

"No!" Blue snarled.

"Come _on,_ Blue," said Link. Ideas flitted through his head. _Blue…Blue…_ "If you do this," he said." I'll…I'll get you Smurfette's autograph."

Blue hesitated. "And a gallon of Gummiberry juice…?"

"Uhh," said Link. "Sure. Sure. Just don't get too high."

"Grr!" said Blue. "Fine!"

Link held out his hands. Red, then Purple and, after a moment, Blue placed their palms on his. The world shimmered, and a spiral of pulsing, purple energy shrouded Link. An otherworldly wind howled. Lightning bolts sizzled and cracked the air.

Tetra flinched. "What is _that_? Some kind of…Linkosphere…?"

"It's…" said Link, uncertainly at first, then, "The Linktrix. Yeah! The Linktrix!"

Tetra shook her head. "I feel this narrative of yours is quickly unravelling…"

The clones vanished, absorbed into the whirling maelstrom, leaving only unfresh air.

Zuko called out from the crow's nest. "Look! Look at that!"

Link and the crew looked. Flame-soaked tentacles were slowly sprouting from the spot the Baron had landed. A tremor overtook Trash Island. Tourists screamed in panic. The _Harkinian_ lurched violently to port.

"A giant, burning squid…" breathed Link. "He was a squid all along! That's it!" He snapped his fingers. "That explains the tower on Tower Island! That explains everything!"

"Uh..." Tetra blinked. She gripped the deck's cold, brass railing to keep steady. "It really doesn't."

Link turned to Linkle. "Now it's your turn."

"You mean _your_ turn," the girl snapped back. The ship rocked. The squid continued to grow, rising up into deck-view. " _I'm_ the Hero, remember?"

"You sure are," said Link. He held out his hand. "Put 'er there!"

"Wow, yeah!" Linkle grinned. "You can be, like, my sidekick or-" She slapped Link's hand – and was instantly swallowed up into the Linktrix.

The ship shook again. "Battle stations!" cried Tetra.

Link heard the crew draw their swords, heard the rattle of cannons being deployed. "One more…"

Rancid air now with a slight fishy tang hung over the ship. Link darted over to where Twilight Wolf was watching. The wolf shrank back with a shake of its head. "I am not so sure about all this…"

Link pursed his lips. His ears pricked at the sound of another scream. "Look," said Link gently. "Look over there."

They looked. One of the fleeing tourists was a little girl. "She's an orphan," said Link in a soft voice. "All alone in the world. She stowed away on a boat to come here. To escape from the misery of her life." He swallowed, his voice dropping. "She needs a hero. Like, now."

Resolution stiffened Twilight's jaw. "Then why did you not say so?" he said, raising his head and holding out a paw. "Let us pool our resources."

"Exactly." Link curled his hand around the wolf's paw. The world shimmered again, and Twilight was gone.

Link stood. Tetra joined him. The giant squid began shuffling inward over the shore, moving away from the _Harkinian,_ but bearing down on the escaping people. Slime trailed in its wake.

"Was that true?" said Tetra in a hushed voice. "About the little girl?"

"Nah," Link replied. "I just made it up."

Tetra rolled her eyes.

He grinned, then backed up. "See you on shore." Link broke into a sprint. "I got the touch. I got the poweeer." He somersaulted over the ship's railing, landed on the ground below in a roll, then sprung to his feet, standing tall, boomerang somehow in hand.

"Now let's do this!"


	44. Complete

**44\. Complete**

"Miss Tetra!" cried Nudge. "We can't fire the cannons! Link's in the way!"

Tetra hissed. "Dammit!"

She leapt over the side of the ship, landing on the soft, soggy shore of Trash Island in a crouch. Putrid, decaying debris went flying from the impact. She ran – or tried to – gritting her teeth as her boots struggled to maintain a grip on sludgy ground.

Up ahead, she saw that the giant squid-thing had cornered some of the tourists. Tetra pushed her legs hard. Lungs burning, she slid her flintlock pistol from its holster. Her eyes caught sight of a flame-drenched tentacle starting to rise –

And then the ground beneath the squid gave away and it vanished under a grey mushroom cloud of stink.

Tetra skidded to a halt beside Link. Her fellow pirate was standing still, watching events with an easy nonchalance, and munching away on a shiny, red apple.

The wide-eyed tourists shuffled away to safety. Air above the fresh hole shimmered from the heat of the trapped, fiery squid.

Tetra sighed. "Go on, then," she said. "Explain."

"Easy," Link replied, smiling. "After I win this battle, I take the TARDIS back in time to dig that covered hole over there so that I can win this battle." He took a bite from his apple.

Tetra tried to process his words. She tried a second time. A third.

"My head hurts," she concluded.

"Let's take a look," said Link, and walked off.

Tetra followed. She thought she heard a weird, distorted wheezing sound, and noticed that the heat-blurred air had already thinned back to normal. They stepped over twisted scraps of metal that jutted out from piles of trash. Flies buzzed around, and Tetra swatted at them with her hand as she walked.

She gazed around at all the junk. _Such a waste,_ she thought. _I bet Mako could build something from all this. Yeah…something that would help the ship when there's no wind. We'd just need to power it somehow…_

A memory flashed suddenly in Tetra's mind. A giant metal man soaring into the stars…

She shook her head. It slipped from her mind's grasp, but her gaze did fall on a scrap of parchment stuck in a rubbish pile and fluttering in the breeze. Tetra stopped to pull it free, looked at it, raised an eyebrow, then tucked it away for later.

Finally they reached the lip of the hole. Link raised the apple to his mouth. They both peered in at the same time – and Link froze, mid-bite.

The hole was empty.

Wood creaked behind them. Shouts followed. Tetra and Link spun around. The hull of the _Harkinian_ was starting to bulge, wooden planks stretching, then snapping one by one, spitting warped nails into the air.

Tetra stepped forward. "The cargo…" she breathed. "The cargo that we were meant to bring to this island…"

Wood shattered. The giant squid spilled out of the ship's fresh wound, black smoke trailing from its tentacles.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" the squid bellowed in Baron Von JoBo's voice. "In fact, it is _I_ who ultimately wins the battle, then _I_ steal the TARDIS, hide myself as cargo, and trick your crew to take me on board and bring me back here! Haaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Link grinned. "Wrong again, my friend," he said. "If we're ripping off the end to Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, then you have to know there can be only _one_ winner. That means, _I_ win, take the TARDIS, dig the hole, then use the TARDIS _again_ to steal you _from_ the hole, hide you as cargo, trick the crew to take you on board so they can bring you back right here!"

Link took a bite from his apple, and winked.

"Stop it, _please_ ," Tetra groaned. "I'm getting a migraine."

"But," said the squid. " _Why?"_

Link shrugged. "That's just how I roll," he said. "Oh, and one other thing. You see, the word 'Complete' has been hanging over the last fifteen chapters of this story. Hanging by the flimsiest of threads."

"So?"

"So it's time for that thread…to _snap._ "

 **COMPLETE**

Trash Island shook. Another huge cloud mushroomed into the air. The dust cleared. Tentacles twitched from underneath a giant, crooked C and a cracked O. 'MPLETE' toppled over with a _whumph._

Link and Tetra approached and, as they did so, saw the squid start to morph, shrinking as tentacles became arms and legs until Baron Von JoBo lay defeated at their feet, pinned under the complete weight of Complete.

"Hold on," said Link. "Before I forget."

Tetra, bemused, watched him race back to the ship. A moment later she heard the wheeze and groan of the TARDIS engines. The sound returned a second later, and Link sprinted back to join her.

"All done," he said.

"My...powers?" the Baron croaked.

Link looked down at their beaten foe. "Gone. Except all that flame stuff."

"Why?"

"There's only room for a single fourth-wall breaking, meta-aware character I'm afraid," Link replied softly. "That's why I had to absorb the others. Why the Hero was removed from the narrative. There can be only one, like the Highlander says. Or was it Jet Li? I forget."

"So…" Von JoBo gasped. "You're tying up all the loose plot threads. This…this is truly the end, then."

Link nodded. "And I hate do this," he said, taking off his hat. "But there's only one sure-fire way to kill a flame." He pulled a worn fibre noose free. "Cut off its air."

The Baron's eyes bulged.

"Wait," said Tetra. "I have a better idea."

* * *

The _Harkinian_ lay at a steep angle on a makeshift metal platform, bow pointed skyward. They'd fixed the damage to the hull and, at Tetra's request, Mako had made some modifications, utilising whatever he could scavenge on Trash Island. Now twin cylindrical steel barrels - huge _engines_ – jutted out from the ship's aft.

Tetra stood under one such engine, looking up into its yawning opening. Warm air wafted out.

"You okay up there?" she called.

"This," Baron Von JoBo's tiny, echoing voice replied, "Is so humiliating."

Tetra grinned. "Glad you think so," she said, reaching up to give the metal a quick pat. "Fire 'em up."

She scooted out of the way, catching a swinging rope ladder hanging from the ship's side, and began climbing. Flame burst out from the engines. Junk lying on the ground scattered from the force. The ship shuddered, but didn't move quite yet – they hadn't raised anchor, after all.

"How's that feel, Hark?" said Tetra.

"Strange," the ship replied. "But it's nice to know you wanted me to have such…enlargements."

Tetra frowned, but decided not to ask. She pulled herself up onto the deck.

"Captain on the bridge!" Senza called. He gave a theatrical bow. "Milady."

The crew stood to attention. Tetra smiled. "Boys," she said. "This is the big one."

Niko looked straight up. "Into the stars…?"

Tetra nodded. She pulled a crumpled sheet of paper from her pocket. "I found this down on Trash Island," she said, unfurling the parchment. Tetra cleared her throat and began to read: " _You are hereby cordially invited to the first ever Intergalactic Grand Space-Pirate Smash."_ She looked up at them. "You guys with me?"

Gonzo saluted. "We'll go where you will, Miss Tetra."

"Even if it makes no sense to us," Nudge added. "Right…?"

"Aye!" they chorused.

Tetra smiled. She felt the power of the engines thrum through the deck under her feet. "Prepare to raise anchor. Stations everyone."

"Aye aye, Captain!"

They all rushed off to their positions – all except Link who strolled up to her to stand at her side.

"If you wanted to go way up there," he said in a low voice. "I could've arranged it."

"I'd rather do things my way," Tetra replied, then raised her voice. "Raise anchor!"

Metal rattled as the anchor was brought up. The ship lurched for a moment, then slid gracefully into the air. Twin streams of pure flame trailed behind. Harkinian curved up into the bright, clear blue sky.

"Oh!" the ship moaned as he shivered. "Oh, my! Ohhh myyyyy…."

A grimace crossed Tetra's face. She looked down at the juddering deck. "Please tell me he isn't going to be like this the whole way."

Link shook his head in disgust. "Makes a mockery of the K+ rating…"

She flicked a glance up at Link. "You're doing your thing already, aren't you? That's why we didn't all go flying off the deck just now."

Link smiled. "You know me too well," he said. "Complimentary gravity. I'll also be providing the in-flight oxygen."

Her eyes sparkled. "I knew I could always count on you."

"Ah," said Link, meeting her gaze. "So we're back to where we were the last time the story ended."

"Mmm?"

"I mean, in terms of our relationship."

Tetra cocked an eyebrow. "What relationship…?"

"The one the readers aren't going to get to see," he said. "The one where we realise we complete each other."

" _Riiiiight._ "

But even as she spoke, Link felt her fingers lightly brush against his hand. He looked at her, a question in his eyes. Tetra grinned.

Link thrust his palms into his pockets. His hat rippled from the rushing flow of air. "Hey, look up front…"

Tetra squinted. "Are those…giant letters floating across our bow…?"

Link nodded. "Yup. This is it. It's finally, truly, not-joking-and-no-bonus-smut-chapter-so-don't-ask –

 **THE END**


End file.
